How to deal with this

[3rdbump]

I mentioned on previous threads about my partners drinking habits. Little one has been off nursery all week with a virus. Meanwhile I have been extremely busy with work orders these are items that take time to make hence why he goes to nursery 4 x per week . I have 50 + orders I needed to do before today. OH agreed to have the kids last night so I can work through the night to get some out today (I have customers getting impatient ) so instead he goes to a car auction straight from work then turns up gone midnight pissed up 😠 told him this morning that he would need to take a day off work today so I can work. He goes off in his van at 8am tells me he will be back at 9 so I can work. Shows up at 1 😠 I worked till 4 then he had to interview someone at 5 (fair enough) promises to be back by 7 latest but instead he's been drinking again. I tracked him down at around 8 ish hoping he would be sober still. Found him in the local pub slumped on the bar slurring. He got in the car (in hindsight I should of left him) gave me a shit load of abuse calling ne a twat, cut etc etc i hust ignored him, he was getting really angry and as we got closer to home he actually leaned down and grabbed my foot on the break!! Luckily I was only going less than 25 down a country track but still, he kept hold of my foot and wouldn't let me drive until I agreed I was an arsehole and I had caused this mess I got home and his dad ws with the kids (he showed up earlier to see them ) and went into a rant in front of our 4 yr old calling me a fucking twat etc 😦 following me around. I have managed to keep it together and not burst into tears like I felt like doing. He got bored and wandered off. He's not as pissed now and he's in the other room watching a film with our 4 yr old and our 13 yr old. What a mess :( he keeps telling me it's my fault and I have caused all this tonight and how much of a twat I am. Really I am so stressed out and tired I don't need this right now. Normally when he comes in from drinking I pretend to be asleep as if he knows I am awake he will try pick an argument or his usual is whata aping me calling me a slag etc....The next day if he remembers he will half heartily mumble "sorry" or "no I didnt" as he "can't remember" everything will be roses until he does it again - sometimes it's a few days later other times a month or so. He's never been physically violent to me although he did smash the house up once on our baby's due date (he was pissed up)
It sounds terrible doesn't it reading it back i just feel sad that I don't really have any family or friends around here I can talk it through with. I have lost loads of confidence even in things like driving?! As soon as he's not back from work and I know he's drinking I get really agitated , anxious and stressed I can't help it. He can have his good points, when he's not drinking he's a good dad l, he has always worked hard, he will cook and recently he has built me some stables and spent the whole days instaling lights etc for me for my stables down the field. He will take me to horse shows and drive around the trailer and he always treats the kids.
On the other hand he's very changeable when he's sober, some days he's really easy going and a laugh and we get on. Other days (which can last weeks) he's irritable, very argumentative and just not nice to be around.
It's as if he is 2 different people trapped in the one body. It's very odd :(
Sorry for the rant it's my 2nd post this eve but need to let it out

Problem is I need him this week (well I did this afternoon ) am self employed and have a tonne of work to do with dead lines (lo was off nursery all last week with a virus so couldn't do any work) with Xmas coming up its the busiest time of year for me. Only just got in now. He's in the other room treating me like I am in the wrong! Barely spoken to him since he got back this afternoon, just about the kids etc. Am off to bed shortly and he will sleep on the sofa again. As I said I am sure he's planning on moving out so I will wait it out til the weekend and then tell him to make plans if he hasn't already. It's much easier whilst he's being a dick.

This week has been an emotional roller coaster . Lots of arguments lots of him saying sorry one min then turning on me again the next.
Just finished a lengthy debate , I will say the word debate s that's what it feels like. Me trying to defend my actions ! Bottom line is he isn't going to stop drinking. I gave him an ultimatum either he STOPS his drinking and works through the relationship or he chooses to carry on and he loses us......He said I was selfish and said he would give up drinking if I "sold my 2 horses and concentrated on the relationship " he said giving up drinking was a selfish request on my part and I should give up my horses in order for that to happen. So yeah he clearly has a problem and stupidly i though he recognised as having a problem himself but he doesn't see it like that. He says why should he change? And in his words "there are alot of people going through worse things and putting up with far worse than what YOU are" fuck I can't believe it ! I should just "except" the fact that he is always gonna be a drinker (Piss head) and I should be okay with it, I mean sure it's fine to get wandered and let your family down and come home and give them tonnes of abuse call them a slag, hoar, teat and cut cause that is.okay as there are "far worse" ways in which some people are treated!!
If I wasn't sat here like a stupid weak crying mess I would actually think this was funny

3rd - sorry to hear he's not willing to work on it. You giving up your horses has nothing to do with him giving up drinking. Those things are not comparable. Have you thought about your next steps?

I feel so weak!!!
Managed to be 'talked around' again last weekend. All week it's been rwally good. Until tonight. Promised to be back by 6 with chippy tea - comes Walsingham thru the door about 20 mins ago. Only had 6 bottles of bud. Not pissed apparently. I sore red. Been waiting for tea , kids been waiting too (despite me wanting to make it earlier I was told not too as would have an easy tea tonight) I did swing for him and he pushed me over really hard ffs now he's telling ME to leave as the rental agreement is in his name. I am going to mu mums tomorrow early with the 2 little ones as planned. Told me now to come back!! Now he's what's aping me telling me I #blew it# hahahahahhahaaa how funny

At this time, he's in a mindset, as well as drunk, he's not going to listen, he's just going to fire insults at you and anything to upset you. Best to just stay away tonight as much as you want to shout back, that what he wants. Don't give it to him! Going forward, you're not being 'weak', you're 'trying' which is more than he deserves. Some time apart may give you time to think what you really want and also may make him realise what he's missing, what you do for him and perhaps he'll rethink his actions!!

Someone asked you upthread if you have been to al-anon. Have you?

It's torture reading you posts but you're actually living it. You could do something about it but you don't- why is that? Genuinely, what are the reasons you hang on to this appalling relationship which is like a boiling hell. He is an alcoholic and he is abusive. Do you want posters to support you to stay?

I'm not being harsh. You have kids with you in this hell hole. If you won't do it for yourself then do it for them. The home they live is hell on a stick and it won't get any better - how does another 20, 30 years of this feel to you? Because that's what you're looking at. Plus totally fucked up kids right into adulthood.

There is support out there these days. All you have to do is turn up.