Being assertive

[Chamonix1]

When people just push and push.
What do you do when "thanks, but that's not convenient for us" if followed up by "well, what about this then".
I'm dealing with in laws who we have had such a rocky relationship with it's almost split me and dh up on several occasions.
Mil is a narcissist and fil her hatchet man.
They very nearly didn't come to our wedding, and I wish they hadn't because mil was nasty to me all day.
We see them monthly. But they are always Pursuing time alone with dd, especially "All day" and "overnight" which doesn't sit well with me, mainly because I don't think my mil is a nice enough person to be left alone with dd with out manipulating her, if I'm totally honest.
I struggle with assertiveness and yesterday they asked to take dd on a specific date just before Xmas.
They asked specifically to have her "All day" and "overnight" and I feel like I should start sending out booking forms for my child's company.
I feel they are entitled and never pleased. Just last week we had them
Over all day and for dinner and tried very hard to have a nice time and make them welcome, we are seeing them on Boxing Day too so really don't know why they need to push.
I told them "sorry, that's just not convenient for us, catch up soon though" and made the effort not to try and justify myself.
So in reply I get a less friendly, rather business like email asking "please inform me of when is convenient in the run up to Xmas"
I just don't know why they can't take no for no and enjoy our company when we've organised it and I'm now feeling incredibly anxious as don't know how to respond, knowing this could lead to the mother of all arguments because mil is once again hurt by the word no.

Attilla
"Why can you yourself not go no contact with them, examine your own reasons very carefully."
-because I don't want to be blamed if they no longer see DH because of me/he won't want to see them because I don't see them anymore. I don't want that responsibility.
"what is a "bad person"?. "
Fair point, what I mean to say is they present very well to the outside world which means if I say no contact I look unreasonable, to everyone and worry that one day DD will think I've been unreasonable too if I shut them
Out. They are very good at looking genuinely nice, they fooled me for a good year, I thought dh was mad not to want to see them, until the cracks in their relationship started to show.

You're right, it's not good enough. He works in London now, and commutes every single day, is up at 4:30am and back home at 9pm, so he would struggle to find time although weekends are an option for sure.
I gave him details for a counsellor I thought would be good, rather than organising it. Bad wording. He never followed it up.

655
Thank you- what you've said makes sense to me it's all the small stuff and the big stuff too to be honest. They just seem to forget about those issues and feel entitled to time alone with her the battle is endless.

Big issue, the last time they took her overnight dd had a huge night terror.
Away from mil, my fil told me about it, said dd was crawling around on the floor, screaming and crying, he said she couldn't hear him and was acting like she was asleep but her eyes were open. He said I wanted to call us, that e asked mil if he could take dd back home but mil refused.
MIL then in front of me said "FIL I told you not to say anything, honestly chamonix he's being stupid, ignore him" and stared at fil the with death in her eyes.
This is the kind of thing she does, and to be fair wasn't the way to insure dd goes to stay!

Why can you yourself not go no contact with them, examine your own reasons very carefully."
-because I don't want to be blamed if they no longer see DH because of me/he won't want to see them because I don't see them anymore. I don't want that responsibility.

Your DH does not communicate with his mother at all and all communications between he and they seem to go via you. He is already using you as a buffer to deal with his parents because he cannot and will not.

You're already being blamed and being portrayed as the bad guy by your DH to boot. This is because his own inertia re his parents is stopping him from wanting to see his parents for the people they really are. Denial is a powerful force after all.

You are not responsible for the lack of a relationship he has with his parents. He cannot or will not deal with his mother either and that may not change.

What you do need is to have and impose far higher boundaries; these have been too low to date and his parents have taken full advantage of you both as well as your child. You as a couple have really played into their hands.

These people as people have not been good grandparent figures to your DD; their behaviour with the rope is but one of many things they should never have done to your child. Family is not binding. Your job here is to protect your own self and your DD from these malign influences because your DH is clearly not up to the task. You really cannot afford for your DD to be emotionally mistreated because they will do that to her.

There is no magic way to make this better because this is who they are and they will not change.

This is really your husbands problem to sort out. Every time they ask for contact tell them you will talk to your husband and he will get back to them. Repeat over and over if you have to.

Fuck me, this is absurd. Quite apart from the fact that someone as callously manipulative as MIL should have no unchecked influence on a toddler and has a clear track record of ignoring your parenting choices (and either would be a total deal-breaker for me, for what it's worth), why the hell hasn't your DH accessed his anger about the situation? We're not talking about lending out a kettle or something here, this is his daughter that is being poorly treated in someone else's care. Even if it was family, I would be apoplectic with rage and that would be the last time that that individual had anything to do with my offspring. No discussion, no second chances. I cannot understand how or why he is happy for this state of affairs to continue, or how he is happy for his wife to act as a buffer zone for communications. Call him out on this, and if he won't adequately address it... well, then you may have your answer anyway.