WWYD re passive aggressive dp

[ThatsWotSheSaid]

I think my DP of ten years is passive aggressive. He deals with any argument by sulking and seems to enjoy wallowing in self pity. He won't communicate directly.

We are going to visit my family this weekend. He does not like them, there is no massive reason just a personality clash. We are staying for 2 nights but on the second night some of my old uni friends are meeting up so I asked my parents and they said they will look after the DC so we can go out. He doesn't want to come, it's all girls so fair enough. He has good friends in the city he could see (he used to live there) but hasnt contacted them.
It seems like he would rather stay in with my parents and be moody and sulky the whole weekend than make the most of it and have a night out. I have said 'why don't you contact 'x' or 'y' a couple of times over the past week or two but he just says something like 'No I'll just stay in'.

I just confronted him about why he seems to want to make it worse for himself and he said he said he doesn't like being told what to do. He then refused to even speak to me - he literally ignored direct questions. He has now sulked off upstairs. At some point he will come down and act like nothing has happened but If I try and bring it up again I will be 'punished' with more sulking.

I also think (but can't know for sure) he deliberately doesn't clean up or does it badly to punish me for asking him to do it. The same with looking after the children. If I ask him to put them to bed and he doesn't want to he is so hostile they end up crying and I have to do it or let them be upset.

How do I know if the moods are not his fault and something that's part of his personality or even a mood disorder or he is using them to control me?
WWYD?

Hmm, well he sounds like a bundle of laughs doesn't he?

Why do you want him to come to your parents with you if he is going to be a pain? Why is it so important to you that he goes out when you meet your uni friends? Are you worried he will upset your parents if you aren't there?

I'd rather he went out and met his friends so that he has a good time and doesn't get in a funk the whole weekend. I know from experience that he will hate being alone with my parents for the evening.
In all honestly the reasons he does t just stay at home are partly practical such as the drive and the childcare but also that it will look odd to my family and they will realise that he dislikes them.

Really? I take DS to visit my parents nad leave DH behind if he's got stuff to do or just wants some downtime - he likes my parents, it just doesn't always work out for us all to go together. Perhaps your family would enjoy seeing you and your DCs anyway, especially if he's not going to want to join in your night out. I can understand him not wanting to be hauled off for a weekend away that seems to be entirely on your terms with a sort of afterthought that he could get together with some friends.

The PA sulking is quite another thing though. I find the best approach is to take them at face value 'oh good, you don't mind then?' and if he's suddenly forgotten how to wash up/clean/do laundry, treat it as a separate thing. 'Sorry love but that's not clean, it'll need doing again'.

Well if he dislikes them and doesn't want to be there why are you putting pressure on him to go?

If you can't drive can you get a train there instead?

Why are there childcare issues if you go alone?

Why would they realise he doesn't like them?
I'd be very honest about why he wasn't there.
"Dp won't be coming because he's a moody twat and I could do with not looking at his miserable face for a couple of days tbh mum"

I could get the train but it's £130.
We have alway gone together I supppose I've never really questioned it. When we visit his parents it's the same.
It terms of childcare our kids are young and can be a handful but I suppose he doesn't need to come.
I think maybe part of me what's him to make the effort with my parents because I want them to get along but I think I'm flogging a dead horse and making it worse aren't I.

This isn't just a one off thing though. Not pulling his own weight in the house and sulking/ doing a shit job to punish you is pretty nasty behaviour. It certainly doesn't speak to a man who respects you as a partner.

I'd leave him behind because life is too short to waste on a man who sulks about doing dishes and deliberately makes his children cry to get out of putting them to bed.

Can your parents pick you up or meet at a closer train station?

I don't think you should force him to do things he doesn't want to.
I think you need to address why he does a shit job of cleaning, because you've asked him to.
''He doesn't like being told what to do'' not many people do, especially if its another adult bossing another adult about.
I'm sorry I can't see what he's done wrong other than doing a shit job to punish you. Sounds rather controlling.

Google 'stonewalling abuse' you will find your DH there.
I would also suggest getting the book - Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.
He sounds like a childish abusive asshole and I can't begin to imagine why you are with such dick.
You even use the word 'Punishing'!
That is exactly what he is doing.
Punishing the little woman at home for daring to suggest he do anything that is below him and how very dare you tell him what to do.
Good grief!
When did all this start?
When babies came along?
Because I can't imagine for a second why you would choose to be someone have kids with them if they behaved like this early on????

He's never been keen on doing stuff if I ask him, it has to be on his terms. When we were young and child free it didn't matter so much. We lived in a flat and didn't have messy children. It's usually an issue when we have to get the house straight in a rush because people are coming round.
I will look up 'stonewalling' when the DC are in bed.

Also his parents are very traditional. His mother is a domestic goddess and prides herself on caring for everyone.

Very rarely does my dh come to my parents with me and the dc when I visit them. I usually take them in the holidays so he is at work. He likes them too. It is seen as a total non-issue and my parents don't see it as a slight to them at all.

I would tell him to stay at home if I were you.

Win-win all round!

OP, there was a great thread on here a while ago about passive-aggressive behaviour - I can't seem to search for it & link on the phone. But it's title is something like: "Are you turning into a screaming banshee because of a passive-aggressive partner?". It's an eye-opener.

On to your DH. He clearly doesn't want to come. I would ask him to come one last time, due to the cost of rail fares. But say that in the future, you will visit each other's parents separately. I suspect he will still want you to come to his parents, but not to visit yours. Which leaves you with a problem.

How do I know if the moods are not his fault and something that's part of his personality or even a mood disorder or he is using them to control me?

When people have a mood disorder , it sometimes affects their ability to do things they want to do . Like see their mates or do a sport or hobby they enjoy.

When people are being manipulative or controlling, they only have these moods when they have to do something they DONT want to do or when YOU are doing something that they don't want you to do.

Also people with mood disorders often have insight into their own behaviour later even if they don't at the time. So they may say " oh I'm so sorry I was so down last week, I spoiled your birthday , lets go out next week instead " .

Does he ever apologise for the way his moods affect you ?

Do his moods ever inconvenience him or only you ?

IMO the best way to deal with these passive aggressive dimwits is to ignore the behaviour. Hard to do, but don't let him feed off your psychological discomfort. They relish making others suffer and sometimes aren't even aware they're doing it so wake him up to this unhealthy pattern by carrying on (apparently) oblivious to his childish sulking. It's hard if he's doing tasks badly as a protest. In that area it might be worth confronting his dishonest behaviour with a really serious chat and frighten him into waking up saying you're having some concerns about your relationship going forward.