Help am I being paranoid here?

[manga42]

I will try to keep the story brief, a few weeks ago I came home from a trip (husband still away with work too) and found a letter had been posted to me, this letter told me my husband was not a nice person at work basically and that because of this they thought I should know he had been having an affair for some time with a manager at work! it was very out the blue, I waited until he came home and challenged him, which of course was met with complete denial and a very long explanation about issues at work and that as a senior member of the management team they obviously felt aggrieved and this letter was just that 'to cause trouble'. I did some research myself and in fact there is no manager of the department in question mentioned in the letter, and the only senior member in that team is a man!!
I questioned him and challenged him a lot over a few days, a lot added up and some did not of which I never fully got an answer or to the bottom of.
In short I chose to believe him and move on however I find myself now snooping and questioning what he's doing. He has gone away tonight for something to do with his hobby which he does attend every year but is going alone this year, I found him ironing favourite shirts late last night to take despite him having plenty ironed already. I'm not of proud of it but earlier this week I snooped in his brief case and he had a wad of cash £350 quid which I don't know why, this is unusual and we share an account!!
There are various small things I notice along with being over attentive that I can not put my finger on but my gut tells me something is not right!
I just don't know what to do, he is very clever at talking and quick thinking, and I'm finding myself pulling away - what's an outsiders view here guys?
Thanks

I see. Well that's not really specific information in that case. They should have given you a name to have more credibility.

I'd still go the VAR route though.

But it. Could just be a colleague with a grudge. Or a person with mental health issues?
It hair seems weird that they wouldn't be more specific after going to the bother of writing a letter like that.

Thank you all for taking time to reply, this site is great to give you a varied perspective. I'm not sure I have a full answer what to do, I love dh and want it to work out, maybe I need to keep vigilant but not be obsessive and try to look forward.
Before this incident I hadn't cause to worry however I must remove rose tinted glasses as well.
If anything more changes I will update you ladies

Thanks again

I'm the original poster of this thread I started last year, I wanted to come back to this as after months of ticking along as usual after the first letter, in the last week have received another anonymous card this time, the envelope filled with confetti style love hearts, the card saying 'hope you will be in xxx can't wait to see you there love ?' this was sent to husband this time rather than me (he is on a business trip next week, I've put xxx instead of location for sake of identity but the card states the location of his trip), hand written envelope but looked like they had written it in their left hand to disguise as was very blocky and child like - again husband has just said It must be related to this work situation but again REALLY!!, his reaction was rather causal which I'm not sure what to make of! He basically seems to think I should just be happy to ignore this but after a second incident am I being an idiot to do so?

You've had two letters. Both anonymous. One claiming to be from a concerned friend of a friend. The other one implies it's sent from someone your dh is having an affair with. My guess would be they're from the same person, who's obviously untruthful, unkind and unpleasant.
Who knows why they have a grievance against your husband. But I would take no notice of anonymous letters.
Your lack of trust for your partner is a concern for you though. Maybe unpick the reasons why you think it's possible he IS having an affair. How does he behave/treat you generally? Does he give you reasons to distrust him? You said you had a gutough feeling there was a problem. I wouldn't go down the PI route. If it's got to the point you want to hire a PI to investigate your partner it's probably time to seriously consider whether you want to stay in the relationship.

I'm guessing these are from OW. He's had a fling. he fucked her off and now she is getting revenge. Or he's still in the affair and she wants it brought out into the open.

I'm not sure now.
If it was really happening with a work colleague why not just text, email or message?
They are being way too vague here.
If they really had something then they would have shared it with you by now.

Do you have full access to your DH phone / ipad?
Can you ask him to have a look through it?
Check all apps.
Check all folders with apps in them.
Check facebook messenger.
Texts, whatsapp, etc...
Have a look at 'settings' > battery > wait a minute, cursor down and you'll see battery use.
So if you can't find an app it will still show how much usage that app has used as a %
Looking at mine I have 39% Messenger, 37% Messages, etc....
You can look at last 24 hours or last 7 days.
That will give you an insight into what messenger system they are using if they are using one.

But a card seems very odd.
Like they are trying to wind you up but have no real evidence at all.
Have a snoop if you need to with his permission if possible.

I was harrassed for over 2 years by an exgf of my exh - you'd be surprised at the effort/trouble some people will go to once they get into this frame of mind. A malicious letter to a spouse is nothing. If your dh has upset someone like this at work he could well be telling the truth (he might not even be directly responsible for their situation - it doesn't have to make logical sense to you, only the person writing the letter).

MakeItRain, you are right to challenge if I trust him and honestly no I don't think I do, I want to as he's lovely for the most part, but I am not stupid and I work in an office environment and I just cannot swallow that someone from a department totally not related to your own would be soo aggrieved as to send this stuff to another manager of a different department that's not related, if you were pissed at being treated badly at work and were childish enough to want to send this stuff to get back at them surely you'd send it to the manage in question!! So in my mind something has gone that is enough to implicate him somehow and he is not telling the truth about that, I saw him the other day retuning my phone to where I'd left it on the side from his pocket, I didn't tell him I saw and I have nothing to hide but wonder if he checks my phone to see if I'm suspicious about anything! Honestly would you just ignore letters like this as nothing just because they are anonymous and don't fully disclose even when in a trusting relationship?

The fact he's snooping on your phone is a bit of a red flag.
Often a cheating partner will accuse the other one of cheating to deflect.

Hells Bells thanks for that tip with the battery, TBH I'd be quite surprised if he just handed his phone over if I asked without question though!
Lizzy, this is a sensible view you have and what I have been telling myself since the first letter but still I don't think I am crazy for questioning this though am I? something does not smell right...

hells but isn't that contradictory what you're saying? She's accused him or shall I say question the letters (rightly so) has just above so in the thread been told how too check her partners phone. So If she starts snooping and going all FBI on him, does that mean she's cheating aswell?

I remember your thread from last year and thought at the time something really didn't add up. I assumed from the ironing favourite shirts and carrying cash that he was planning to sleep with someone else.
It could be someone he shagged and then broke up with.
It could be that someone is obsessed with him but he has never reciprocated.
It could be malicious behaviour related to a workplace issue.
Whatever the reason it is causing you distress and worry and you need to get to the bottom of it. Your husband owes you some answers. If he really hasn't been having an affair then he should be on board with reporting this issue to HR and management at work, because if it is a workplace issue that has spilled over into his private life, it is having serious ramifications and needs to be addressed. These things csn escalate and you need to know that you are safe.

Nope - she has very good reason to believe something is going on.
He doesn't have any reason to believe OP is cheating.
He just wants some come back when things go tits up for him.
But OP has nothing to hide so he can snoop away!

This is definitely a shifty guy! I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. If I got an anonymous letter (or if my spouse did) which put my marriage at risk, I'd be at HR first thing to sort it out.

In your position I'd be looking at a VAR I'm afraid.

Has anyone on here used a VAR before with good results?

I know its some time back, and I don't know what his hobby is, but I've been to hobby based meet ups over the years and there's often been buy and sell aspect, if that's the case it could explain the £350 in cash. DW & I don't discuss how much we spend on our hobbies, so long as we can afford it. I get the impression from both men and women that plenty don't they don't tell their DP exactly what they have spent either.

As for the letters, the writer has an axe to grind, knows that your DH is away and took a gamble that you would open the letter as they were both addresses the same way.

The big question is what's the axe? Is the author an OW wanting to get him for herself or someone who has a work grudge. Checking your phone is bad but if you have been acting differently towards him because of the first letter his gut could be telling him something is wrong and he may feel justified in trying to find out what in the same way as you would feel justified in checking his phone.

At the core of this is the letter writer, I hope you find out who they are and why they want to split you up.

Hmm, I just don't know.

On one hand, it could be someone with a grudge against your DH. How would they have his address?

I do know someone who had an affair with a MM and sent him/his wife messages like this, pretending they were from an aggrieved third party. She did it because she wanted the wife to know, but didn't want her lover to be angry with her for telling the wife IYSWIM?

In the end she shagged the lover at his house and left her whole fucking handbag there for the wife to find!!

I hope things work out for you OP.

Do you have a pet bunny? I would check its okay?

No seriously, I don't like the sound of this at all. Someone still has it in for your H and isn't letting it drop!! He surely would know what it is and these letters coming to the house is downright concerning and puts you in a very vulnerable position.

Do you have DC?

I would go absolutely crazy if I had one, let alone two letters of this kind coming to my house. Plus, why isn't he (as someone else mentioned also) taking this further to HR, complaints procedures at work? Or leave his job if he's having such harassment.

Too many red flags here; working away, taking 'favourite' not work shirts? on a trips, cash in the suitcase, checking your phone but not allowing you open access to his/ emails etc.. etc.. not particularly reassuring you on the whole letter situation, almost brushing it under the carpet to say its nothing. Hmm....

Dislike. What's his response to this love letter??

How was he when he got back from the trip with the £350? Any signs then?

Imagine he is innocent, and he then finds out you've been recording him. High chances are your relationship would be over. Would you like too be secretly recorded?

I get you have suspicions but that's just one step too far in my opinion.

Did you ever use the PI? And what happened with the £350?

I'm so sorry this is still going ok OP.

Wow this is a really hard one!

From your first post I thought yep having an affair but not enough evidence yet bide your time he will trip up. Then the update with the card and I thought wow I was wrong it really is some crazy person that is setting him up. Now after the phone business I'm thinking affair again.

If it was me I wouldn't trust him and would be hiring a PI if I could afford it or doing my absolute best to investigate myself if I couldn't.

The only thing is if you cannot get answers or evidence either way can you carry on in a relationship where you don't trust the other person?

"...harrassed for over 2 years by an exgf of my exh - you'd be surprised at the effort/trouble some people will go to once they get into this frame of mind. " what lizxyj4 said. Only earlier today, on another thread, I shared how after 18years together and DC my hubby's longtime exgf has continued to send letters and make contact. Some people just never know when to stop and they do it for a whole range of reasons. You really need to find out who and why these are being sent to you.

What is his response to these letters??