Oh fuck.. I accused my partner of something wrongly

[Fuckingcrapatlife]

Is paranoia a symptom of the menopause?

I've accused my partner of something wrongly.

I've apologised, but I know he's smarting and considering where we go from here. I'm really upset and don't know where to go from here. He's gaslighting me. I understand why totally. But how do I break the silence.. I'd do the same with him so no comments about gaslighting being wrong.

I find trust hard and have low self esteem.. but that is my issue and he has been so fabulous and patient with me.

How do I gain his trust and stop his pain?

I understand what you're saying. I don't need details really but I think if you're in a relationship of 10 years it's unusual that he has secret friendships with female work colleagues that I've never met.
A few years ago I had a male friend at work but never text much except to make arrangements to meet for an occasional drink. I was v open about conversations I had and partner hated it so I cut him off when I moved job. Partner knew we got on and was open but he instead keeps secrets and isn't open and that's what I hate. Of course he can have female friendships but why not mention occasional names in conversations. I'm not usually Sherlock in nature so it must be his behaviour as never felt insecure with other constants in my life .

I've been in your husbands position, and I couldn't stand it. I have a group of male friends who I socialise with on a weekly basis. He knew this before we got together but it soon became a problem. He would want to know the exact conversations, would demand to see my phone at every 'ping' and when I wouldn't take him on our nights out he would turn up unannounced. It was suffocating, bordering on abusive and was all so horribly needy.

Would be a total deal clincher for me. How can you expect to know everyone of his work collegues? Also sounds so needy & suffocating. I couldn't live like that, life is far too short

A few years ago I had a male friend at work but never text much except to make arrangements to meet for an occasional drink. I was v open about conversations I had and partner hated it so I cut him off when I moved job.

Wow. I would never let a partner dictate my friendships like that! Why on earth can't you have male friends you go for a drink with after work occasionally? I often go for impromptu drinks after work - and sometimes, it's only my male colleagues who are free. I wouldn't turn down a quick drink with them because my partner "hated it". I would tell him to get a grip, quite frankly. But luckily, he doesn't give a flying fuck and encourages me to see my friends, both male and female, separately and in groups. Like I do to him.

user1479989941

One question... Are you happy?

Just as a heads up.. we have sorted the issue.. it's fucking painful to talk openly, but we have done it.

I'm sure it's caused friction, but I will walk proudly knowing I've talked and that he listened and talked too.

Thank you everyone for advice and support.. sometimes it's much needed and it's not a subject I can go into anywhere else.. or with family/friends x

Well done OP. I hope things get better

When someone says something that shows they don't trust you, it's a slow killer.

Bit harsh Oblomov. Sounds like the OP and her partner are moving past it. We all make mistakes.