At a loss to understand anymore

[user1479966204]

I really don't know what I am doing here but I wanted to put this out to you all. I am a father with two young children 12 and 8 and have been living with my partner for 25 years committed since we were 19. The last 6 years have been very difficult for my partner since she was diagnosed with bipolar and our relationship has been up and down with authorities involved and her moving out for 6 months. There has been numerous hospital admissions and i've tried to cope the best I can looking after the children, housework and working full-time. To cut a long story short things got better this year and she found work and got free from the house after 11 years. However after 3 months I found out she was having phone calls behind the bedroom door and then she was texting late at night. I confronted her and asked what was happening and she said she had met a work colleague who she really enjoyed talking to and they really connected. They like the same music, interests and have a passion for things that I don't have. I took it really bad and felt hurt and betrayed. I asked her what was happening and she had been meeting up for coffee on her days off and after work with him. I have since found out they go out for walks together and have met up during the day without her telling me and then going out on his birthday. I asked her what is going on and she said she is not going to talk about it and I have to deal with my insecurity. I found a letter in the bin she had written to him saying she wanted to know she liked him a lot and felt he was a humble caring man and really liked his caring touch to her. I'm doing my best to keep things together at home and look after our children, cooking, cleaning, homework, clubs and being a taxi driver to our children but it is what I signed up for. Am I a fool or should I embrace my partner to let her have freedom enough to be a friend to this man? I just am having difficulty dealing with it and my family say it is her illness and I should let her go after all I have been doing. I am not faultless and I am a typical man making mistakes and not thinking of others sometimes but my heart is in the right place and I've been committed to her for 25 years. Thank you

Ah that's shit. They aren't friends though are they? At the very least it's an emotional affair, though sounds like they have been physical to some degree. No you shouldn't just sit quietly and let her carry on.

Thanks for replying. She has said they are friends but she keeps it hidden. She finds him a great communictaor and they have a lot in common being born overseas and have similar interests. I took this really bad tbh.
I feel if I did this behind her back I would find my things on the doorstep and I just wouldn't do it without telling her. I love her mum and dad and they really support me but they have told me to go to a solicitor to spare the children but i'm at a real crossroads for the love of her. When I signed up for this I was committed, passionate, caring, jumping straight in with the children and I still am there today but I feel abandoned by her and alone.

She is having an affair, regardless of her condition it's totally out of order to do this to you. You shouldn't just sit back and put up. Have you properly confronted her and given an ultimatum? I would without hesitation. Your mental health will suffer if you continue doing all childcare, housework, work full-time and try to tolerate her infidelity. She's treating you like shit and shouldn't hide behind a health condition to get away with it.

She's taking the proper piss & making a mug of you.

Your worth more than that

Oh it's a horrible situation.

It could be her bipolar, god knows I'm a nightmare at times and get involved in stupid destructive shit, but even if it is you don't have to tolerate it.

You need to do what's best for you and your dcs.

She's treating you like crap, and you're allowing her to do so unfortunately. Maybe she has got used to you just picking up the slack whilst she has been going through a bad time, and has lost respect for you as her partner; just sees you as her carer. You need to be firm with her, and not treat her differently just because of the hard time she has had over the past few years. Tell her you are not comfortable with her spending so much of her time and energy on some other man, and try to organise things for you to do as a couple to get that connection back.

Thanks all for your messages. I went to see a counsellor today and explained the situation and they threw it back at me. They said if she was having an affair she would have told me by now but I just don't get it. I think the message I get is to look after myself and I'm going to take a step back from all this and focus on our children then trying to figure if I want to be with someone who treats me like a doormat.

They don't sound like much of a counsellor maybe try another one?

Your plan is good, you don't have to tolerate any of this.

What absurd advice from the councillor. They clearly have no experience of marriage counselling, as lying is normally part and parcel of cheating.

You've spent a lot of your time and energy looking after her, now it's time to look after yourself. I'm sorry you're going through thus, good luck.

I don't really see the issue. She's found a friend who happens to be male. I think you need to decide whether you trust her or not. The reason why she might keep it secret is because many people presume there's more going on when they see a male and female close.

I am female and most of my friends are male (and have been my best platonic friends for over 25 years - I am also friends my exes), although I find huge value in both male and female friendship. My partner of 15 years is also great friends with most of them and I spend time with them all together and separately. I can't bear people who say men and women can't be friends.

However, it sounds like she is taking the piss out of you. Being secretive about this 'friendship' is a big red flag as is her attitude when you ask her about it. Despite clearly being a great husband and father in many respects you are being a doormat.

As for a counsellor saying 'if she was having an affair she would have told you by now'. Er, what? Is that how it works? Because in my experience not telling your partner is kind of how an affair works isn't it. In fact the dictionary definition of affair is: "a secret sexual relationship between two people", and I think a secret is something you DON'T tell someone, quite often if MN is to be believed even for months or years later if at all. Maybe see if their 'Counsellor' certificates were printed off the internet!!

Her MH issues do not excuse her behaviour in terms of an EA with someone else. There really is nothing wrong with her having male friends in my opinion. HOWEVER why is she having secret phone calls/texts if it's innocent?

Could you ask to meet him?

PS Your counsellor doesn't sound like they know what they're talking about

There's a book called Not Just Friends - have a read and suggest she does too.
I hope things work out for you

Well maybe call her bluff and ask her to introduce you to him. Maybe you could meet up for drinks or he could come over for lunch? If it's all above board then presumably she won't have a problem with that.

It is nearly 7 months since I asked my partner to leave in January. I was really unhappy about her friendship with this male colleague and she refused to discuss it with me. She said it was just a friend. To cut a long story short he helped her pack and left whilst I was away and she moved into a place of her own. I didn't see or hear from her until this week when I asked to take the children away on holiday. She still continues to say it is a friend although it transpired he wanted more and she declined saying she wanted to give her love to him as a friend and not sexual as she enjoyed his company and didn't fancy him. I have found out they have been spending a lot of time together whilst I have kept going working and looking after our two children. She told me to get over him and said she loves me the children but I told her all she talks about is him and her and gives no certainty about our life together after 26 years and his lies of not wanting more from her. I found numerous texts on her phone which i regret seeing and looking into but his intentions were clear. I have tried to move forward since January but now the question arises do I trust her and try to get together in counselling for the sake of the children or continue on my own? He has his own MH problems and they have got together to seek solstice i gather but for me I saw a counsellor and they guided me to make decisions which make me happy and they said if it didn't feel right what she was doing then it wasn't right and she should have respected my thoughts. I have tried my hardest to work and look after our two children for the last 8 months and I find it very hard but rewarding to the point if I keep going on my own or seek to rebuild. I am scared on both fronts but I feel really disrespected how I gave my thoughts to her about what she was doing but she never gave me any security and kept seeing this man without telling me what as going on and now I have found out they spend a lot of time together but not in a sexual way.

Your life has moved on without her. You are doing a fab job. Focus on you and your children. Do not include her in tour day to day. Regardless of what she says she is not ready to commit and focus on you and her children.
You should congratulate yourself for how far you have come since earlier this year. Well done.

You need to move on.

Even if this friendship is just a friendship she has made no effort to make you feel secure. No effort to make clear your relationship is more important and is not putting an any effort into your relationship.

She may not be sleeping with this man. But he is her priority. Not you and (by the sounds of it) not the kids.

You are doing a great job andbit must be very hard. But move on. Your relationship with her is over, your relationship now is only as parents of the children.

You know you can do it yourself but are being tempted by the fantasy of a happy family that your ex Is offering.
Unless she is prepared to make huge changes and put the children and you first before her own needs then you will be back in the place of desperate unhappiness you were in your first post
Could she do that?

You do need to move on

I agree with Galaxy. You have done so well with a very difficult situation - well done. Your partner has taken the piss over a sustained period of time - and blamed you for your 'insecurity' when she was having an emotional affair right under your nose. Nope, she can't get away with murder just bcs she's bipolar.

I wouldn't trust her again. It's not good for the kids to have one parent taking the piss while the other is heartbroken and hurt.

Thank you all for your replies on a Sunday morning. I sit her alone as there are no kids clubs today or chasing around and my mind wanders. She hasn't seen the children since January as she said she didn't want to there to be any confrontation in front of the children which might damage them but to me I wouldn't go two days without seeing my children.

I just feel very alone as I lost my Mother in February as well to compound matters and also my father and sister 8 years ago. I still have my other sister although 80miles away but I feel all alone without much support. I still have my superb MIL who does not agree with her daughter but wants to support the me and the children but every day is hard and thinking what might be drains me every day. I haven't had thoughts about moving on or finding a new partner as I just don't know if I can trust again. But I think the only way I will find happiness is if i step into the unknown rather than back into the chaos that might be with someone who does connect with that deep inner self of warm love. It just scares me and I'm sorry to open up but really appreciate all your opinions.

You deserve better. Regardless of her illness

I think you are doing very well and should keep building your new life with your children and with MIL's support. Do not go back, do not trust this woman who seems manipulative and evasive and who has treated you very badly.
Let her and her 'friend' get on with it. As your children grow you will get more freedom and be able to do more in the community, join clubs etc. You could start now by finding a reliable babysitter....and live your own life, not the one your ex plans out for you.
You [and your children] are worth far more and you need to look after your mental health. You are important too! It's not all about her.

user you need to take everything she says with a pinch of salt. Words are so easy . .actions are everything. I learned that the hard way. I pay every day for the naive and trusting nature i once had.

Please protect you and the kids - sounds as though things are progressing well. Hard to see when you are in the middle of things x