Need an objective view on SAHM/work

[Bonywasawarriorwayayix]

I've been at home since 3 yo DS was born. I'm after some objective opinions on what to do next.

I am a property solicitor. DH is an actuary who does contract roles. His earning capacity is much higher than mine, so we when I got pregnant (planned) we agreed that I would stay at home with DS until he started school. This was fine at the time as I'd left my last permanent role due to disillusionment and a horrible commute and took a role doing maternity leave cover.

DS is due to start state nursery school in January. I am desperate to return to work then as I miss the intellectual stimulation and sense of being myself.

DH wants us to do another year and a bit with me at home so that we can spend time together when he doesn't have a contract. He also wants to spend 3 months skiing together in Spain. I'm happy enough to ski, but it's not a big passion like it is for him. DS will be 4 then, so would probably be happy.

I don't know what to do, hence asking for objective advice from strangers. DH is desperate to live a non-conventional lifestyle for as long as possible, he gets fed up of the best case scenario of being out the house 6.50-17.30. I get it. I really do but I'm not sure how to achieve it without sacrificing my career and sanity. I love DS to bits and I think generally I'm a pretty good parent but recently I've been getting impatient and frustrated with DS. I'm not sure what to do for the best for all of us.

Find a local solicitor who does that sort of work and pay for a one-off consultation then Gloria. You can search solicitors on the Law Society website under Find a Solicitor.

Could you take a Term time role? That was you have all summer off and all other school holidays. Surely then you could fit in long trips away, if DH was careful about the timings on the contracts that he takes.

Can you get a part time job as a compromise? Or can you do locum work.
I hate the idea of not earning my own cash and the longer you stay out of the workforce, the greater chance of being deskilled and finding it harder to get back into it.

Does your DH work away or just lots of hours. How much flexibility is there for him to do sickness cover for DC? My DH is in a medical field so really can't do last minute days off without letting loads of people down - which combined with inflexible hours in his field is the major reason I'm not planning to go back to practice any time soon.

Return to work is very much a joint decision - but a local government role sounds like it could work brilliantly - I'd be tempted to apply for "perfect" jobs that are unlikely to come up again regardless of convenient timing but it would be good to have something to look forward to if the jobs don't come off...

Another year and a bit is a long time so I'd go back to work and then next year take your holidays to coincide with part of the skiing trip. You wouldn't enjoy 3 months skiing so it seems silly to postpone getting back to work for something you wouldn't enjoy. And your dh has already had his 3 month skiing with you last year so he can't get his own way all the time!

Random I am leaning towards applying for the perfect jobs, particularly the work from home ones. The job market for me is unusually buoyant right now and I don't want to miss the boat.

DH works fairly sane hours but will always have to commute. We chose to stay in this town due to friends and an extremely helpful MIL, so they could do sick cover between them.

Plus I agree with Cricrichan- another year and a bit is long time. It made sense when we were planning on having 2 DCs but we've not really discussed the timescales since we decided to stick with DS.

Nothing to add other than as a recent return to work solicitor, now is the time to get back into property - I've got back into my own area but experienced property lawyers are in massive demand.

Finally the profession seems to get that if the majority of your workforce is female then you need to offer family friendly policies (not that male dominated industries shouldn't!) We don't know where the economy is going to be next year so I would be trying to get back in sooner rather than later.

Could you reach a balance where you start applying in January with a view to going back at Easter?

Thanks OP. I know how to do a general search, but I'd rather have a personal recommendation.

Didn't intend to hijack the thread... .

I think your 'hijack' was actually pretty helpful, Gloria!

OP is obviously gagging to get back to work. A career you love might not 'spoon' you but it'll keep you saner than any man ever will.

You've already done the skiing thing which is your DH's passion. Is there something that you would like to spend doing for 3 months?

Don't put off work to have another ski stint. I'd only consider it if there is something you want to do before going back.

That's the thing, he has a valid point about being together when he's not under contract, it's brilliant.

It's brilliant for him. You sacrificing your sanity so he can have an extended 'holiday', which he no doubt thinks he deserves for working so hard.

He seems to forget that you have also been working hard as a sahm, your mental health is just as important as his.
A year 'and a bit' is a looooooong time when you already feel like you're losing your mind and sense of self.

I think he needs to understand than being a parent comes before his love of skiing for 3 months.
He can be a sahd whilst off contract and support you re work. That way he can have the real experience of family/parenting. I bet he hasn't even thought of how you will share sick leave,school drop off/pickups or any of those logistics.

He's going to have to learn to be happy with a couple of weeks skiing together on a family holiday - not outsourcing childcare to you or his family so he can indulge in his self-centredness.

No, I have no great passion that I feel justifies 3 months away. DH has admitted how hard our time in Switzerland was in places (no shit Sherlock. You try having to use your rusty German to communicate in a hospital whilst having a D&C for a MMC). Spain might not happen.

DH wants to live an 'unconventional' life but I really don't see how that's possible with a small child. Maybe my view is coloured by a couple of poorly handled moves by my (divorced) parents but I think children need stability.

We had a chat last night as I couldn't leave it having started the conversation on here. He had sensed something was up. There are still some things to work out as to exactly how we do things but we've agreed that I'll apply for the work from home and council jobs first. I made it quite clear that I need to work now. He and DS could do some shorter trips without me.

Thank you everyone for helping me get it straight in my head.

Gloria where are you? I can help if you're near King's Lynn or Peterborough or possibly Hull.

I'm with your DH and love his idea. God, life is short and if you can afford it.....

But I would never put my partner in the position of being unhappy and stuck at home for a year in order to do that.

Could you seriously not find it look for work that you could easily leave in 1.5 yrs to go on this adventure? Like do maternity cover for someone or go freelance etc? It sounds like you are simply against the idea which is a pity but your right to not want to do it. Such a pity.

I would love to spend extended time in between work travelling and I did before kids. We did a long trip with the two year old. But we don't want to homeschool for lots of reasons so once nursery and school starts we will be on school holidays. I want my children to have a stable home like both of us did with local friends and to be part of the local community.

He should be able to negotiate something consistent with that if he wants to and is good enough (I know a bit about actuaries!). We are considering a camper van and summer trips around Europe for the summers.

'Such a pity.'

Not if you're the type who doesn't really care for that kind of thing.

Glad you are holding firm OP. You've done things his way for a while, now time to do what you need to for your sanity.

Your DH can still have lots of mini adventures with your DS when he's between contracts - just not a ski season (which let's face it is all about your DH and not the rest of you). He can also achieve some useful things - sort out DS's clothes, DIY, get to know local parents, have playdates etc - and make your return to work much easier that way.

Sorry to hear about your MMC - sounds horrendous

Expat, yes. It is such a pity that she's not the type to care for that kind of thing. That's what I was saying.

I am 'the type to care for that sort of thing'. I spent the third year of my degree in Germany. I'd love to not just be stuck in the UK.

BUT our original plan needs adjusting now as my mental wellbeing is suffering. I'm looking for work from home jobs. Mat. leave cover might come up somewhere, ditto a suitable locum role (not that I've ever seen one in our city). It's what to do if not.

Whoopity what did you do with your 2yo? DH's contract keeps on being extended with the same employer. Why can't actuaries work from home more given it's all computer based? DH is going to ask but it seems unlikely. We're also considering DH finding work in Switzerland for a couple of years.

Thank you Mini. It was but at least I've left the physical reminders (hospital) behind.

I don't understand all of this about an "unconventional lifestyle". The wife staying at home with the child facilitating the husband's lifestyle sounds pretty conventional to me.

I have Pm'd you. Let me know if it gets through. This will all get far too outing for me to be comfortable posting in public.

Your mental wellbeing must come first. And I agree that children need routine and stability, I think your husband was being a bit unrealistic. I don't think you need to take 3 months out at a time to be unconventional - there ways of encorporating that into a structured life - unconventional friends for a start and holidays off the beaten track.

I'm in London, but thanks for your help.

Agree with redmapleleaf so tell him to stay at home whilst you pursue your career for a while for some unconvential.

Random thought but if you get a WFH job - could that job be done from spain for a few months...?