Good friend with a horrible husband

[EllaEllaE]

I have a lovely friend, who has a really nasty husband. I keep trying to find a way to meet up with her (or her plus her kid) without her partner, but she always wants to include him. But her husband is just horrible. He has a nasty violent temper, he sulks, he is sarcastic and he shouts at her and calls her names. This has been going on for as long as I've known them -- she tends to brush it off or ignore him when we are all out together. Now their child is about 3 years old, the husband has started to shout at the kid as well.

She used to live in the same town as me and we were really close; we hung out a couple of times a week just the two of us, before we had kids. But a few years ago she moved away, then moved back but to a place that is about an hour's drive away from where I live. As a result, we now see each other only once every 3-5 months, so it's become almost impossible to just hang out without it being a big deal and without our partners. I've tried suggesting the two of us get together for a 'girls night' on our own. Or that we hang out with just our kids (I have a 1 year old). But she always wants to do couples+kids things with both our families.

The problem is that a) I would really like to find a way to talk to my friend about her relationship and the way her husband treats their child, but it's become impossible to meet up with her alone.
b) The times when we have all met up together have been very difficult because my dh finds it incredibly hard to be around her husband, and to witness the way he shouts at their child. My dh's own father was violent and abusive, and seeing it in my friend's family is intensely triggering for him. The last time we all spent an afternoon together sent my dh into a spiral of anxiety and depression. Since then I've made excuses for why my dh can't come along, but that hasn't translated into her also leaving her partner at home when we meet.

I want to keep seeing my friend. I also want to help her, but I don't know how to broach the subject with her when we see each other so rarely. I guess I could be blunt and say "I want to hang out with you and your kid, but I don't want you to bring your husband", but that will probably offend her so much we don't ever speak again. (I love my friend, but I also recognise she has a bit of a temper herself and a tendency to hold grudges! I have seen her fall out with people for far smaller things in the past.) Any advice?

Same situation here, except my DH is his BFF! The BAH (bastard alcoholic husband) plays nice to my face, especially around my DH, but I know he dislikes me because I've been very open with BFF about the way he treats her and told her she/they need to seek counseling or she needs to get the hell out before he hurts her. She's aware that her life isn't what it should be, she actually agrees that she should leave but she's just not 'there' yet. Even DH thinks he treats her badly. It's a long, long story.

I'm sure BAH doesn't like me speaking to her when he's not around, but I find ways. They live 2 hrs away so I can't pop in, but I call her at home when he isn't there or when she's on her lunch break at work. She has a separate 'safe' email that we use as he reads her email on her 'usual' account. She and I also go away together once a year or twice a year for a shared hobby. He'd like to forbid her but then he'd have to explain to my DH why he doesn't want her to go. That's exactly what you are going to have to do with your friend, find times when he's away. Doesn't he work? I also think you may want to consider that she already knows in her heart exactly what you want to say and doesn't want to hear it.

I've been brutally honest with BFF more than once. It's now to the point where all I say when she brings it up is 'You know how I feel, either leave or get help'. I love her to death and she is a wonderful light in my life, but one can only do so much. It may be the same for your friend. Do talk to her, but be prepared for her to either deny what you say or accept it but take no action.

Invite her to a pamper day? Tell her you're knackered and really need a break. Kids and husbands can't go to that.

Husky that's a great idea.

Make a point of lots of communication by text, phone and email. Keep the friendship strong so she can turn to you if she needs help.
Ask your DH to arrange a blokes outing, so you and she can have a girls outing. Maybe you need her advice to choose a special outfit, need moral support re a new haircut/tattoo/etc

I think you need to push for the girls night out, without partners. I think it's unhealthy to go out all the times in couples, especially under these circumstances. Good luck op

Can you invent a very personal issues that you need to be able to speak to her about, tell her you don't feel comfortable talking about it with her husband there

Brilliant suggestion and one you can email and text knowing her DH might see it which would make it easier for you then to tell him the same thing if you call and he picks up.