I'm worried ED will ruin our relationship

[NastyWoman16]

Long time poster but NC for this.

I am 34 and have been in a relationship with a 43yo lovely chap since May this year. It's getting serious - meeting each other's parents and siblings and planning to move in together next year. I've kissed a LOT of frogs and this one is different - an actual considerate, kind, loving man.

He's had ED problems from the get go. He said he'd had problems all his life really but after a while in a new relationship things tended to settle down as he gained confidence. (Plus apparently he doesn't have any problems during one night stands ).

Fast forward to now. Now he can maintain an erection and ejaculate with a combination of oral and hands (team effort), but he hasn't yet been able to sustain an erection during sex. It's not really getting any better.

He's been reluctant to go to the doctor but I eventually managed to get him to go and he's had various blood tests and urology appointments. No underlying health issues and nothing physically wrong with his plumbing. In all likelihood it's psychological. He was made redundant over the summer and is struggling to find a new job, so his anxiety is fairly high at the moment overall (and probably not helping).

I have been patient and supportive - trying all sorts of things to stimulate and inspire him. A cock ring hasn't done the trick. I've tried to keep it light and unpressurised, but recently I have been finding it harder to suppress my frustration and disappointment as yet another session ends with him using his hand or just giving up.

The other day we had managed to get an erection and start in missionary, but then it faded within about 30 seconds. I'm not proud but I burst into tears. I can't help feeling that (because I am a bit overweight) deep down he might not really find me attractive - it seems to be when he's looking at me/my body that he loses it. And all these stories about how he's been OK with other women!

I'm so worried about the future. I thought this was the one - that we would have an amazing sex life together (once his initial nervousness died down), that we would be able to have kids. If it never gets better I don't think I could bear it.

I'm already finding I don't really want to initiate sex any more because I know it will be unsatisfying and even a bit upsetting. I am so tired of thinking about his penis so much! I want our relationship to be more than this but it hangs over us like a cloud.

He says now that he'll talk to the GP about Cialis or similar. I am wondering if that would be a superficial fix for a deeper problem.

I would welcome perspectives on this. I haven't had to deal with this before. Does anyone have any experiences they could share? How can I make myself feel better about this? How do I talk to him about this without adding pressure, making him more anxious, and making it even worse?

Thanks everybody.

Re the job situation - he's managing to send one application a week (aiming for a fairly senior role and there aren't many about). When he gets a "good feeling" about an application/conversation with a recruitment agent/interview he tends to stop searching and stop applying for other stuff. Meaning when they come back with a no, he has to start over again.

From my own experience searching for senior roles I was aiming for one application a DAY even if I'd got through to the next round for a different opportunity. I was going to networking events. I was writing blogs in my subject area and promoting my opinions on LinkedIn and twitter. it was bloody full on and it took me 3 months to get hired.

I've given him ideas for ways to up the ante but he hasn't done any of them. And I don't want to nag him or somehow hint that I know best, which he would find rude.

I just have to watch as he plods along, gets excited, gets downhearted, starts over. And every time it eats away at his confidence and makes him anxious.

I tell him no matter what, I think he's marvellous, to try and keep him buoyant.

Oops posted too soon.

Was going to finish by saying that I wonder if he senses that I'm frustrated with him about his approach to job hunting and he's picking that up, and it's somehow making him feel a bit emasculated.

I do tend to pay for most groceries and stuff too. He has his own place that he's just about managing to hold on to by using savings, but he's pretty skint and would live on beams on toast if it weren't for the meals I buy for us.

Whilst it is natural to worry 'is it me?', it is usually isn't. It can be physical, psychological or a combination. The blue pills will fix the biochemistry that is getting in the way, really, they will , greater confidence will follow -and you can then get on enjoying yourselves and your otherwise great relationship.

he sounds a bit depressed to be honest, which is consistent with all the synths displayed ;-)

you are taking on a lot - be aware that to play Mummy (to him) will never fulfil you long term

I think that you have to decide how much this matters.

If you love him and want a serious relationship with him, I really think you shouldn't place so much improtance on him performing in the sack. You can do other things, it doesn't need to all be about PIV sex.

If you can't handle that, it will put a lot of pressure on him and the relationship and I think it'd be better off calling it a day.

I say this because I suffer from vaginismus which makes sex painful and often impossible. Luckily my DP is very understanding and we have fun in other ways. If he was putting pressure on me to get over it, I think that would make it worse.

Honestly, in the honeymoon stage you shouldn't be having to tiptoe around his job search in case it upsets his penis.

I'd be seriously reconsidering to be honest. This is all extremely hard work. It does come across a bit like you're determined to make this relationship fit because you want a family, rather than taking the long view. If you're frustrated with aspects of him now, how about in 5-10 years time when you're both wrecked, stressed, sleep-deprived. Are you still going to have to manage him in this way?

Lots to think about.

I love him so much. I really want to make this work.

I had a chat with him last night where I said 'hey let's put less pressure on ourselves' and we just cuddled and kissed and chatted until we went to sleep. It was lovely. I don't need swinging from the chandeliers at all.

But it has been weighing on my mind that this is meant to be the easy bit.

I went out with someone almost identical. Too long on his own with death grip watching porn was the explanation. Viagra helped with the ED but he never climaxed with me. It was so frustrating and the hours just banging away with him furiously trying to climax, killed our sex life and ultimately our relationship. If you want children you would be best to walk away now and find someone else. That's what I did.

If OP and this chap were both aged 40+, already had kids, and so on, I'd give entirely different advice.

But a 6-month old relationship [with seemingly no ties, not even living together] with a man who has both money and sexual problems doesn't sound like something that's worth moving heaven and earth to hang onto??