Names have been changed... Friends gambling DH... Do you just watch it unfold?

[Goandplay]

Me and DP are friends with another couple. DP has been friends with 'Charlie' since they were kids so 30plus years. Charlie has been married to 'Debbie' for 8 years.

It has become apparent that Charlie has a gambling issue. He came to DP and asked to lend a big wack of money a few years ago, said he had got himself into trouble and would pay money back the following year when he had some shares mature.

Then some time after a smaller amount - less than £1000 and that was paid back quite swiftly.

Charlie then asked if we could lend them a lot of money to finance a large purchase. Charlie said he was worried they would be turned down for finance as he had racked up some bad debts Debbie was unaware of. We said we couldn't because this amount of money would have left us without any savings (and Charlie hadn't and still hasn't paid back the very first loan). They made the purchase - how this was financed I am not sure.

Over the years I have become close to Debbie and really respect her. We see each other socially aware from our DP's.

My DP spoke to Charlie about the gambling and said it was obvious it had got out of hand and was he ok? Charlie said he had stopped, said he had got some professional help.This was some time ago.

Very recently Charlie has been asking DP to intercept post if Debbie is going to get home before Charlie - this has been ringing alarm bells. Then Debbie found some evidence by accident of recent gambling. Charlie denies this was his and said this was another friends. He also told DP the same story.

Now we have a relative that has recently started working in the gambling establishment.. Relative mentions that she saw Charlie collecting some winnings - Charlie was clearly surprised and embarrassed to see this person. After he left, the manager said 'Do you know that person?' and proceeded to tell the story of him contacting her asking her to lie if Debbie called about the evidence she found as his marriage would be on the line. This is obviously a breech of privacy on the managers behalf and now this relative is going around gossiping about this. Relative knows a lot of the wider circle of friends and there is no way she will keep any of this to herself.

Do I say anything to Debbie? There are financial implications if he is squandering all their money as well as emotional.

DP said he will speak to Charlie but I can't see that helping - it is out of Charlie's control.

I said the manager should be reprimanded but DP does not want his relative getting into trouble at work.

Or do I think this is none of my business and keep out?

WWYD?

I wouldn't open DP's post if I got me before him, which says to me the debt might not all be in Charlie's name. If he's named her or potentially even posed as her to obtain finance, he might be trying to intercept bills and warnings addressed to her as well. Usually I'm firmly in the "keep out of it" camp, but this is different. You should tell her.

How much does he owe you, OP? Does Debbie have any idea about that?

No idea - she knew about the last amount they/he asked for. The first amount is supposed to be strictly between DP and him but DP told me. I think it's £6000 there or thereabouts so not a small amount.

You need to tell her. I've been Debbie and I was humiliated that everyone knew about the problem before I accidently found out one day.

Funny, in the cheating spouse threads, I tend to be of the 'mind your own business' group but here you must tell her. It impacts not just her private emotional life but external stuff like credit rating, her financial stability, possibly even her career if she has the type of job where bankruptcy would affect it.

I would also think carefully about whether your own partner has been forthright in all of this. His behaviour sounds very strange to me, particularly around the first large unpaid loan and also the post. Is he in something together with Charlie? I'm not normally one for wild suspicions but something isn't quite right there.

No my DP wouldn't think there was anything wrong collecting his friends post to prevent an argument. I can see the issue.

Charlie has previously helped DP and think the money was there not being used and at the time my DP would've trusted him without question and it was short term. This is much more like a sibling relationship. Nothing is too much between them.

DP has done questionable things over the years but he can't really keep a secret.

I agree. I think I would find this harder to deal with than cheating. This is weighing very heavily. My DP knows I will say something. I've mentioned it a few times today and it's as though he knew it was inevitable.

On a practical level, I have no idea if a gambling equivalent of AlAnon support groups for families of addicts exists, but if they do, could you have that information ready to share with your friend when you do tell her?

Yep. Definitely got to tell her.

Can you speak directly to Charlie? He owes you money and you have found out that he is gambling. In addition, you have found out that DP is intercepting post.

Ask him wtf is going on and tell him he needs to tell Debbie?