Narc/EAs: do they know what they are doing?

[TheNewWoman]

I'm pretty sure DH is one of these, but I really don't think he means to be. I think he just thinks his behaviour is his personality.

What I mean is I don't think he intentionally sets out to be abusive or damaging, but I think in his personality he sees things as a game and he has to win at all costs. Therefore he tries to manipulate to get what he wants and if he doesn't he gets petty / mean. I don't even think it occurs to him teh damage he is causing, just that he 'wins'.

As an example we shopped together and agreed meals this week. Today was going the be shepherds pie, but for (very sensible and explained) logistical reasons I wanted to swap today and tomorrow so we have fish today. Both are in date for a couple more days. He is refusing to budge insisting we have shepherds pie today - he has no reason, he is just being an arse. It's such a pointless petty thing I know (there is a bit more to it than this but I will out myself if I go into it).

I'm pretty sure I need to leave him (not over tonights dinner, but many many other things) but I've always believed in fighting for my marriage and we have many ups as well as downs. I'm just hoping there is some personality trait where this 'game playing' can be cured, as when he is not being an arse he's quite a nice guy.

[messeduptotally]

My exh didn't apologise for anything either, never saw that he did anything wrong. I remember one night he came back steaming drunk and switched on the deep fat fryer, I said don't you realise you could have burned the house down?? He just shrugged his shoulders..

I was in labour pacing the floor with pain and he just carried on playing his xbox..

Stupid me came off the pill because of MY lack of libido to please him so we could have more sex, then I fall pregnant.. I asked him what shall we do, he said he didn't want anymore kids.. I had a termination and he never mentioned it again..

I can think of all sorts which is what torments me really as I thought I was the one with the issues..

Then recently he texts me to say he was having so much sex with his new younger girlfriend...WTAF?!! (he was a 2 min wonder anyway, like I care)

[ThisThingCalledLife]

Narcs know exactly what they're doing - they just believe in their own importance so much that any suffering of 'lesser beings' is negligible.

I'm NC with a narc sibling, the first 'voluntary' apology i got from her - after catching her offguard (i cherish that gold dust moment ), was "i'm sorry you're oversensitive".

The second 'voluntary' apology came after 4-5 years of NC.
Now she knew that i wasn't going to talk to her unless she acknowledged her actions towards me ....this is what i received - "I'm sorry that i hurt you and the family and let you all down by going away to university. But home was such a dark place that i had to get away. i ask for your forgiveness."

i read it, laughed and changed it back to 'unread'.
After all her experience, i would have thought she could pick something better than 'university' to delude herself with....or maybe she genuinely believes her own delusions and has forgotten all the help my parents gave her so she could go away to uni?

Either way, i'm not banging my head against a brick wall. I'm just waiting for the flying monkeys to descend with 'but she's apologized, she's making an effort, you're being unreasonable".

That's ok. I'm happy being 'unreasonable'

[ThisIsStartingToBoreMe]

Yes, they know exactly what they're doing