How to manage when friends break up? It's so tricky!

[user1477282676]

Our good friends are having a really rocky patch. We've been mates for 20 years....I'm closer to her than to him whilst my DH is close to the husband.

She keeps confiding in me and asking my advice re leaving him. I feel stuck in the middle and when DH talks about what the husband has been telling him, I feel that I should not tell DH what the wife has told me...DH always says he would not gossip but let's face it...this is his very close friend and their break up if it happens will be messy due to their shared business and home.

Am I right in not telling my DH the things she tells me...she's "getting her ducks in a row" I think. The husband is probably going to end up in a pretty shit situation due to the fact that their business relies on HER skills more than his.

He could not run it without her and she in fact does 99% of the work while he loafs around at home. But in the event of a split, he will, I know claim he deserves to have the house if she gets the business.

I think you need to agree not to discuss their marriage with one another if possible. Don't let their problems become yours.

I think you need what they used to call in the Good Wife (legal drama) a 'chinese wall' where neither of you talk to the other about what your friends have said. Must be very tricky, but the alternative is you don't talk to your friends, and they probably both need someone to lean on.

That's very sensible advice. I think I'll tell DH that tonight....he has a habit of suddenly bitching about his mate...but in reality, he'd do anything for him and to keep things nice and "clean" this agreement would be great.

Then when they do split, we can still be friends with both hopefully. :(

Yes, be careful...you could easily betray your friend's confidence. Also, divorce tends to catch on in friendship groups - don't let this couple's problems come between your partner and you.

It will be very hard to stay friends with both, especially if he is left in a shit situation.

Summer does it really catch on? I had no idea that was a thing!

Yes I'd say it's potentially catching, one couple in a group will split. Then more will follow its almost like couples with a low level of unhappiness that would otherwise work it through once the unhappiest partner sees that leaving is actually possible they do. The other view us that some couple groups just reach an age when a percentage marriages fail: unhappy partners only staying til the dc have got to a certain age etc etc.

God. Well I hope it doesn't happen to our group! We're part of a lovely group of 5 couples...most are happy I think. My friends who are having the hard time have been struggling for 10 years after his infidelity. She can't get over it though she's tried.

I'd be saying to my husband "so he's a cheating arse who loafs around the house whilst she works - tell me, why do you respect him enough to be friends with her?"

Definitely agree not to talk to each other about it!

Yes, I agree, tell your DH you don't want to hear what his friend has been saying. By the same token, tell him that you will not be discussing with him what your friend has said to you. That way, you can support your friends without betraying them. Also, it won't cause friction between the two of you.

As for after they split. I think it's fine to remain firm friends with one half of a couple and maybe just civil/polite with the other. We shouldn't judge other's actions, but we do, and if my friend's DH had cheated on her and was a feckless arse I wouldn't want him as a friend. People may say Oh, don't take sides, go out for a drink if he/she's there, I don't mind. In reality I would say the vast majority do mind. So be someone she can trust, before and after the split.

Personally I think you will end up siding with one half of the split couple as its easier, you might be civil to the other side but I don't think you will be friendly with both sides unless you are really good at being neutral.