Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

How to deal with being ignored by extended family after break

24 replies

12345a · 22/11/2016 21:53

My partner of almost 11 years decided to call our relationship a day in spectacular fashion at a family wedding this summer. I moved out of his house that my son and I had lived in for 6 years shortly afterwards.

Although my relationship with him has ended at his choice at the wedding, I feel as if I've been totally blamed for our breakup on that special day. We had an argument in the car on the way from the church service to the reception and he refused to let my son and I attend the reception, we were dumped back home, literally...

Since then his mother and sister who I used to get on with well have totally blanked me, walked out of shops when they see me, ignored me whilst driving, even when I've been crossing the road in front of them. I gave no seen or spoken to them since the church wedding. I was asked not to by my ex partner and have honoured his wishes.

It's so upsetting as I live less than 500 yards from my ex partner and I have to pass both my ex partners house and his mothers every weekend. We live in such a small place and friends have started to notice they are ignoring me as both his mother and sister have ignored me when others have seen, although they were not aware that others had spotted their behaviour.

I'm keeping my head held high and if I see them will treat them as I would like to be treated, with respect. It's just a shame that people become so ignorant, I'm sure it's guilt... However it's very hurtful, especially as happy memories of previous large Christmas get togethers and birthdays are so fresh I'm everyone's minds right now...

Any advice on dealing with this sort of reaction would be really helpful.

OP posts:

peoplepleaser70 · 22/11/2016 22:10

To be honest, they are his family not yours and you don't know what he has told them re the break up but as you have broke up they arent your family anymore. Sorry if that sounds harsh but i imagine they will always take his side. Yes it would be nicer if things could be civil but even then surely it would only be a hello or a wave so I'd just let them get on with it. Keep doing what you are doing and keep your head held high and concentrate on your new future

Original poster

12345a · 22/11/2016 22:24

Thank you. You are off course so right. It's just hard as I was never allowed to say goodbye to them.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 22/11/2016 22:31

I was asked not to by my ex partner and have honoured his wishes.

He sounds pig ignorant, his family, too. Forget honouring his wishes, say your goodbyes.

They may ignore you but I can't see why you have to do what he says on this. You have been treated extraordinarily badly by him - chalk it up. Follow your own moral compass, not his (or theirs).

DamePlata · 22/11/2016 22:34

I agree with PP that they are his family but I would send them a christmas card saying that you enjoyed the warm relationship you had with them over the years, you understand that they're his family but you feel sad not to have said goodbye properly.

Then leave it. Don't nudge them for a response.

Time has a way of making things clearer.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/11/2016 22:36

He has undoubtedly told them a different version of events and/or lies about you.

I think you just have to let it go. It's sad but at the end of the day blood often is thicker than water

Original poster

12345a · 22/11/2016 23:03

Thank you. It is actually my partners daughters birthday today, I've celebrated the last 10. I sent a card from my family and son who was like a brother. I imagine it will be ripped up but I felt it was the right thing to do. Will see what reaction is...

OP posts:

springydaffs · 23/11/2016 07:03

When you get over this complete turd man and his revolting family you'll know in future to get a ring on your finger before the relationship progresses too far. Not because marriage is the be-all and end-all but because it protects you financially - and he won't be able to chuck you out when he feels like it.

Well done on sending the card. It may not get ripped up but the important thing is you're being decent unlike them which is the important thing for your peace of mind (and your son's) xx

Joysmum · 23/11/2016 07:11

Springydaffs has the OP posted other things saying it was a problem not being married?

I'm all for marriage myself but I've had friends split when not married and it's been a blessing they've not been married because the split was quicker and easier. I guess it depends on the circumstances.

springydaffs · 23/11/2016 07:34

When children are involved then, yes, it's better to be married - ie have the protection of the law.

Unless the mother is the greater earner. Then it's a yay situation.

Original poster

12345a · 23/11/2016 07:40

Hi all, I did want to get married, not for financial reasons but because I saw it as a commitment. Because I was not married it was easy for him to finish the relationship without much thought. Using lawyers after the breakup was never on my agenda. However because his first divorce was so acronomious and left him financially scarred I think there is a fear in his family I will do the same. Also because of his previous divorce experience, he and his family clearly have trust issue, the lack of trust meant that we were never really in a true and equal partnership.
I'm actually relieved it's over although right now I miss him and still love him despite everything. I know it's a matter of time for everyone to heal, it's just that I feel if his mother, sister treated me a little better that this would be easier for me and a much quicker process.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 23/11/2016 07:43

Left him financially scarred?? What, he had to pay is dues you mean

Poor him. Boo hoo.

Girl, you've been taken for a ride. You are WELL RID.

TheNaze73 · 23/11/2016 07:47

Blood will always be thicker than water. You just need to dust yourself down & move on.

Joysmum · 23/11/2016 07:57

I think that's it, our friends have been equal and so not being married made thing so much easier and quicker.

I'm a fan of marriage but can see it can be a disadvantage to be married and have to actually split up.

I'm glad your relieved it's over 12345a and can appreciate how hurtful it is to have the relationship with both your ex and his family end when not by your choice.

Simonneilsbeard · 23/11/2016 08:13

His family have trust issues? What?
Who cares what they think? They aren't your family. They dropped you like a hot brick when you split with that idiot.
Forget them, hold your head high when you need to pass them and forget them!

The same thing happened to me when my ex left..and we have 3 children! His family haven't contacted me or the kids for 5 years. Do I care? No way..their loss!

springydaffs · 23/11/2016 08:21

Well, you're living the consequences of 'not getting married for financial reasons' now

Though I assume the not getting married was his (and his family's) idea. Because the poor love had to pay his dues when he divorced his first wife - which cost a bit more than 3/6d - and he's howling how TERRIBLE it was and he and his family see any future women as plain gold-diggers who are after their money.

You saying you 'didn't want to get married for financial reasons' and that you'd 'never consider going legal' are no doubt entirely because of his previous experience, the poor lamb. Which he drummed into you re don't be like my ex wife.

Like I said, you've been taken for a ride here

springydaffs · 23/11/2016 08:23

any chance you could get in touch with his ex-wife?

NewIdeasToday · 23/11/2016 08:29

Why should the OP get in touch with his ex-wife????

Sadly OP it sounds like the relationship is well and truly over. And understandably his family are on his side. I think you just need to put it behind you and move on. Good luck.

springydaffs · 23/11/2016 08:32

Why should the OP get in touch with his ex-wife????

Because she'd hear a very different story to the poor pity story she's been peddled all these years by her now ex.

Or, in fact, she'd hear the same story re him and his revolting family.

Simonneilsbeard · 23/11/2016 08:41

I don't think there's any point in getting in touch with his ex? I don't see why she would need to?

The relationship is over ..cut them all off and move on.

springydaffs · 23/11/2016 08:59

It wasn't an entirely serious proposition on my part, folks.

Original poster

12345a · 23/11/2016 09:26

His daughter played a big part in our break up so I would never contact his ex. I have heard through friends of his ex that she was treated the same way, however I can understand this as she took him to the cleaners!

I haven't, I've walked away graciously and was therefore hoping to also be treated so, clearly I misunderstood his family. They make themselves out to be educated individuals on the surface but as you say blood is thicker than water and people act it an ignorant way in such circumstances, it's just so hurtful, and embarrassing.

OP posts:

Simonneilsbeard · 23/11/2016 09:32

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. The man treated you shoddily at a family event.
Don't forget that!
I hope this doesn't sound harsh because obviously you're hurt here but maybe they didn't consider you as a part of the family in the same way you did.
That they have manage to cut you out of the picture so quickly speaks volumes.

WellErrr · 23/11/2016 09:37

I have heard through friends of his ex that she was treated the same way, however I can understand this as she took him to the cleaners!

I bet she didn't, you know.

Squeeeee · 23/11/2016 09:44

You don't have to do what he's said, it's not up to him who you speak to afterall.
If you feel strongly about it write them a letter saying how you feel and that you've been sad not to be able to say goodbye to them and you'd hoped that things could be civil between you all but you're unsure what's happened. Don't expect a reply or for things to change, see it as a chance to get things off your chest and clear the air, you may find it cathartic and you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you've been the one to behave decently in this situation.

Flip