All changed since we had a baby

[Tinker16]

My husband and I seem to argue so much more now we have a baby.
Did anyone else find this?

It just all feels so different

How old is baby? Sleep deprivation when my first was small made me and DH bicker quite a bit. It passed though. It's a huge change to your life so it takes some adjustment.

Absolutely! I really struggled with this when our dd was born 10 months ago. The sleep deprivation and getting used to looking after a baby really drove a wedge between us. Things did get better though! Now I'd say we are pretty much back to how we were, obviously things will never be the exact same again but we are a lovely little family now!

The arguments with my exH began when I was pregnant and got worse when DC1 was born, because he wasn't really ready to make any sacrifices and I was a bit of a martyr and did everything. He carried on boozing and staying out late. As PP said, the sleep deprivation made things much much worse. It's easy to fall into competitive complaining about how tired you are and who has the hardest time. We really didn't have any sympathy or appreciation for each other. It sowed the seeds of the end of our relationship, although it took another 6 years of increasing toxicity before the end.
I think having a child really makes you find out what the other person is made of. It's really really hard work and only the strongest survive.

Yup. And more at 3am than any other time. Happened with DS1 and DS2 and am completely expecting it to happen next time too.

It all went back to normal in between

Yes, because we're tired. Having a baby really tests you.

It's very normal and quite common. The change in routine and habits,sleep deprivation,resentment from the one at work and resentment from the one at home(in some cases), the bombarding of new information,are you doing it right,well meaning advice ,recovering after a birth(for mum) etc. There's lots of things that suddenly changed,hormones flying around and once again sleep deprivation.

No idea how some people think that having a baby will "fix" their relationship.

Yes. Absolutely yes. Sleep deprivation, not enough time for yourselves, never mind each other etc. The biggest one I found, surprising too as we had discussed the way we wanted to parent before ever becoming pregnant, was the different ways we approached parenting on the whole. It wasn't that we had different end goals, those were the same. It was more in the way we went about doing them, and it caused a lot of friction at first because you want what's best for your dc and you believe up you know what's best and don't want to compromise (well, I didn't anyway!).

Things settled down into a pattern I'd say around 9 months. DD was sleeping better, I was having treatment for my PND, we'd developed a routine and a better way to communicate with each other.

Thank you all so much for replying, you've made me feel so much better.

Our ds is 5 months, we've been together nearly 13 years and never bickered like this, it's come as such a surprise and is hard but at least I know it's normal!!

He has a job that means he starts early as well as running another small business from home. so we're both tired and everything is just so different isn't it?
It takes some adjusting I suppose.

I'm finding it hard to get the right balance of who does what at home/with the baby when he's here. He's not the most proactive when it comes to house stuff and before it was ok, I did it and it wasn't a problem but now I need more help and he's not always the most forthcoming.
He thinks I need to leave things more as it doesn't matter and in lots of ways I know he's right but equally I think he could do more to help when he knows it bothers me if things need doing that I can't get around to.

I also find it hard because when the baby won't settle his default reaction is to give him to me rather than keep trying to sort him himself. It won't ever get any easier if he doesn't try will it?

Those things said though, he's a wonderful Dad, I can see how much he loves our baby even if he doesn't always seek to get him!!!
And really he's a wonderful husband too, I guess I need to remember that rather than let the bickering get to me

Same here, we bickered constantly at each other due to sleep deprivation/resentful of the "spare" time other had/boredom/missing our previous parenting privacy and freedom etc. Many people don't discuss this aspect of parenting but it's very significant and important to resolve to keep the partnership solid over the years. Parenting is a big challenge to most relationships to varying degrees, taking into account the temperament of child/the, financial situation, jobs, amount of help offered to each other and by family members. So it sounds pretty normal that you're going through this difficult phase but things will settle down as long as you give each other support and cut each other a bit of slack.

Totally normal.

We never had the sleep deprivation (luckily) but it's a huge adjustment in how you live your lives and the time you have for one another.

It helped us to be able to say to one another that we knew we were arguing more but knew it was normal to post baby and that the arguments didn't mean we didn't love the bones of each other. We could argue and still hug in spite of that to express our love.

As far as the at home stuff goes, had worked long hours and needed his break too so I continued to follow the advice of my midwife from when pregnant (and still do if we. Any do it all) which is to batch cock and freeze, and to just do key rooms like the kitchen, bathroom and living room and leave the rest. Everything else was way down the list of priorities.

As for the handing the baby back thing, my DH did to because it was something I was better at and seeing it from his perspective, why would he want his baby to be upset for longer if he thought it could be solved quicker by someone else. It was hard for my DH for my DD to 'prefer' me over him.

In caveat to all this, my DH is one of the good ones. He's not lazy or abusive. Many are lazy or abusive and having a baby accelerates this so make sure you know the difference and what is reasonable.

Omg the typos nobody needs a batch cock

A new baby means a massive increase in domestic work.

He needs to do his share of that work (not "help") because it is as much his work as it is yours.

It is very common for men to place a disproportionate burden on wonen after a baby has arrived, but that is because too many men have been raised to exploit women's labour as a matter of course. It sounds like your husband is one of them.

Good husbands and fathers pull out all the stops to share the new load.