Higher sex drive than DH - help, I'm going bonkers!

[ExpatMrs]

Any of you ladies have a higher sex drive that's your DP/DH?
I'm going bananas here!
We've talked it all through in the past - I wondered if he no longer found me attractive or whatever, and he vehemently denied this. Said I was worried about nothing. I think he's just lazy and glued to the telly or iPad (not porn).
We're now on day 10 (yes, I'm counting, I can't help it). It's dwindled from every few days then used to be once a week (always on a wknd, soooo predictable but better than nothing!).
Don't get me wrong, I don't want it 24/7 but I'd like him to initiate it (sometimes) and for it not to be the same quickie that's like a bad programme on repeat. He's not given me oral sex since July.
Anyway, he's amazing in every other way so do I just ignore it? I'm not bringing it up with him again, he looked devastated the last time I did.
Lying here with a lady garden resembling the last chicken in Sainsbury's after a full wax (he likes it all off) and he never even batted an eyelid, he's now snoring and I'm ranting to you lot!
Apologies if TMI - surely I can't be the only woman with a higher sex drive than her hubby?! What do you do?

And I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks a prostitute advising on normal intimate relations within committed relationships is laughable.

Please don't use your clients as examples of all men, they're not.

I dont think anyone says its all men but i suspect it pretty common. I used to work with a guy who went twice a week in his lunch break - there was a lady just round the corner from the office.

His view it was a lot less messy than an affair and he had no intention of leaving his wife

what do you do?

you leave.

What? Because of ten measly days with no sex? Are you serious? Christ almighty if you gave a man on here that advice about his wife you'd be flayed alive. In fact he'd have to go without for ooh, about six months to. A year at least before he'd be considered anything less than a selfish sex pest.

Oh where oh where has the art of seduction gone. It's all in the anticipation...................

Right... I'm back! Thanks for all the replies, I do appreciate everyone taking the time, but let me be clear - I am absolutely not leaving my husband. I'm not unhappy, I'm frustrated sometimes but I want a work-around not a divorce. If it came down to it, I'd go without sex totally rather than be without him. We're a super team, and I adore him.

Ok, now that we've summarised I'm not leaving him, I'll answer what I was asked:
owllady I wouldn't say anything has changed as such.
esoteric if we do masturbate then it's a solo thing, if we were doing it in front of each other then it would be worked into foreplay rather than one person getting themself off over the other, hope that makes sense?! Maybe your DP thinks it's turning you on?
YetAnotherGuy so happy to have a man comment on this too as the sexes definitely think differently about things. In answer to your Q's: his sex interest has gradually declined, been together 4 years, he lost an erection waaayyyy back in the early days when we were a new couple but not happened again (think he was nervous - we both were!) and whilst the current Brazilian was not suggested by him, he's told me before he really likes it.
UnrequitedLove he's not depressed but now you've mentioned it, his work is a huge pressure- I've realised I so vividly know the last time he gave me oral was because we were on hol in an idyllic location and we decided on the plane that all phones/iPads were banned so any thoughts of work emails etc were off the page for a fortnight.
Mummyplus7 I definitely don't want to suggest anything else in case he sees it as a pressure! You're so spot on with that.
Happybunny19 I've always had the higher sex drive but our previous two chats did result in him saying he would try more (we're not actively TTC) but I can't deny that afterwards there was a wee bit of me thinking 'do you actually want to have sex or are you doing this cos you know I want more' hahahahah believe me, I didn't voice this though!
BonsGirl hope you get sorted soon too!
SlottedSpoon you made me giggle!

Thanks again to all! That mammoth reply required a phone to type and a computer screen to ensure I'd covered all bases, lol. Away for a cuppa!

I left my long term partner because he only wanted it twice a week which dwindled to once then twice a month... Given the option I would want 5 times a week, I guess 3 wouldn't be awful, but I wasn't about to start pressuring someone into unwanted sex because, well, I'm not a total twat, so I cut my losses before I lost my mind.

actually I find your comments very interesting NotTheFordType.! I think there is an assumption that its only the desparate and sad old men who use prostitutes. From another site about fidelity, that clearly isnt the case, many of the women talking have decent looking husbands and are decent looking themselves. I think mismatched drives are a huge issue, certainly its impacted on my relationship, problem is I just mentally cant "switch it on" I often wish I could.

OP - you sound like a very nice, considerate and sensible person. I'm not sure however that anyone on here (including me) necessarily has the right answer

So his interest in sex has declined. It could be that he has a low sex drive but the initial excitement of a new relationship pushed him above his normal level. I asked about erectile disfunction because this happened to me once (or certainly no more than twice) in my 40s, and I didn't feel like having sex again for some time. Stress at work can be a huge deal too, and could account for everything you're talking about

Re the Brazilian. If he mentioned it to you, you could try to work out if there is anything else which could arouse him

I would be inclined not to push things, but praise him to the rafters next time you do it. For example, I've had very few sexual partners, but I've never forgotten someone saying how she couldn't believe how wet she was. Or you could say things like how hard he felt inside you. But it has to be credible. Like if you are going to deliberately make a noise, it would be more realistic before you orgasm. And remember that we men can never be praised enough

Apologies if I've become too graphic here, if I've caused offence

Good luck!

Would you be open to the idea of having an open relationship? Do you think he would be o.k with that?

Most men want exactly what women want, not sex, but to be desired. To be desired by somebody they feel is capable of making a selective, valued, judgement of their worth and relative desirability.

Yes go along with that. But it does seem to me its a large problem about which nothing is done or can be done medically. It more affects women the low drive but it does affect both sexes.

Have a read of this thread from menshealth.

forums.menshealth.com/topic/63643898169732258

I'm in much the same boat, DP has never had a high sex drive but he's good when we do. However these days that can vary between twice a month to once every two months.

He had trouble (for years) maintaining an erection and it took him ages to get that sorted, he now takes Viagra. That takes the spontaneity out of it so I generally know if we're going to do it it'll be on a Sunday night (romantic huh), he'll give me 'hints' if that's not likely to happen. I get drunk on Sundays so if he knocks me back it doesn't matter so much.

Previously I have had affairs and I wouldn't rule that out again. I don't want to leave him and I love and respect him, I could even live without the sex if he'd just be flirty with, treat me like I'm attractive and sexual (basically like other men react to me). God it's shit, wish I hadn't opened this thread now.

YetanotherGuy & JustABoy
Thank you both sincerely, a guys perspective really helps. I didn't find your comments graphic and appreciated the link you sent.

bridgetoc
Absolutely no way. As I've said, I'd give it up completely first. Everything else is great and I wouldn't be without him. If I don't have it, I'm ok? Like when I've been single in the past I've gone months and not bothered, but when I do get it, I want it!

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair
I don't know what to say, except I get it and you're not alone.
It's definitely harder when the woman has the higher sex drive, I feel like I'm being such a slut. I spoke to two very close friends about it and they looked at me like I had 7 heads! We have a great marriage so now they basically think it's perfect and I should shut up.
#sigh

to you

It's a tough one, and I feel for you ExPatMrs........ You should not just end the relationship as others have suggested. Sex has always been important to me, but I would never have dumped my lovely man, even though he wasn't capable of satisfying me in bed.

Do you know what? I feel better just for having released a bit on here. I've evaluated my marriage as a whole and I'm happy, he's a wonderful man. So, he doesn't want it as often as me - doesn't make him a bad person.
Ok, it's not a fix but it's not a disaster either.
Thanks all. Hope you all have a great wknd :)

No oral sex since July, he barely initiates, sorry but to me that reads like soul destroying and must really dent your self worth.

If you're prepared to accept this for the rest of your relationship then I think you are settling for something that for most, would not be acceptable.

I get that he's wonderful, great, if so, surely he wants a satisfying sex life too, he must know how frustrated you are.

You should be able to bring it up whenever you want, he looked devastated, how does he think you feel?