Bear with me, this may be long, a bit all over the place and may not make sense. There will probably be things I've missed which I've meant to put down.
Parents adopted me when I was 6. They already had a dd (who I shall refer to as Abby) of their own who was 4 when I moved in. They adopted me because I was part of the wider family and when my parents died (rather awful circumstances - dad murdered mum and then killed himself) myself and my younger sister (who I shall refer to as Carrie) were taken into care. She was adopted by our dad's sister and i was adopted by her SIL and husband.
I'm 47 now. I have dealt with all the stuff about my natural parents. Carrie and I are close, we have researched endlessly about what happened as no-one would really tell us and have found everything we can.
I was raped about 17 years ago. I was living a long way from my parents at the time and eventually rang to tell them. My mother's response was to suggest that maybe I had 'asked for it'. To say I was devastated was an understatement. In the whole process of claiming criminal injuries I accessed my medical records and found that when I was adopted the Courts and SS had specified that I must receive counselling. I was taken once. Then my mother said that it wasn't needed and never took me back. I was never encouraged to talk about my bio parents but rather to just start calling them mum and dad and the whole 'lets sweep it all under the carpet' mentality which my mother does so well was what happened.
My childhood was ok. In terms of being fed, housed, warm, clothed they met all those things. I was never loved. I didn't get cuddles or I love you's. It was very much like they were going through the motions, especially my mother. My dad was always at work, and he always made time for me to play draughts or teach me stuff but there was this emotional gap.
I ended up leaving home at 17, dossing about in various shared houses and eventually moving 600 miles away and starting over. I was gone for 20 odd years and only came back a handful of times. I made bad relationship choices, most notably the rapist who is the father of my DD1 and DD2's dad who was so violent that I had to get a non mol and flee the area we were living in. I think I know deep down that I have issues and have been seeking the acceptance and love I've never had from anyone, even if they weren't good people.
So coming back to today. I've lived back down near my parents for the last four years. I live with my fiance and we are very happy. My two DD's live with us, one is going off to uni, one is still in school and being assessed for ASD. Life is by no means easy but we are coping fine and I'm the happiest I've been in a very long time.
When I moved back down Abby suggested we all have a girls night out. While we were in the pub she pulled me to one side and told me that I mustn't ask our parents to babysit as they are very busy and that I mustn't expect to see much of them. She basically made it clear that I was stepping on her toes. Abby's son has been going to my parents house every week (once a week) for dinner after school (they used to pick him up from school) and this has continued even now he is in his teens. Which is nice but they have no time for my DD's at all. Christmas, Abby and her son go to my parents house for the day with her partner. My parents have said that there isn't room for us as well. I haven't spent Christmas day with my family in 18 years.
I rang my mother yesterday to ask if they could look after DD2 for a couple of hours on a Saturday in December. She said 'oh we don't have space ... errrrm, no we can't'. I came off the phone in tears. It's just endless rejection. I know my mother and Abby go out for lunches together. I have often invited my parents over for dinner (they say no) and often suggested doing things with my mother (always busy) and I just can't keep doing this.
They are in their 70's now. Dad still fit and active, volunteers etc. Mum is still the 'what will the neighbours think' person she's always been. I got knocked off my motorbike once and and ended up in hospital and all she was concerned about was a) the police coming to the door (what will the neighbours think) and b) that her food shopping hadn't been put away (she rang my bf at the time and got him to go).
I know if I was reading this I'd be saying just tell them all to fuck off. But I can't. I don't have a relationship with Abby at all. I messaged her last week - no response. I am close to Carrie but she lives 3 hours away and has just become a Nanna for the first time, her life is as busy as mine. We meet up when we can.
DP doesn't understand. He thinks everyone is like his family (although his parents are dead now). He doesn't quite get that I have spent my entire life feeling rejected, second best and not really wanted.
I'm not even sure where I'm going here or what I want from posting it but getting it all written down helps to formulate my thoughts.
Thanks for reading if you got to the end of my essay.