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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He keep secrets from me. Should us partners know everything?

49 replies

Bear2310 · 22/11/2016 00:29

I have been with my bf for almost 4 years, I'd like to say I know Chris very well! However I found out the other day that he has a memory box and refuses to tell me what kind of things are in there?! It's really bothering me. I feel like I should know as he knows everything about me!? Why is it such a big deal for him why can't I add to it...are exes in there am I in there? It's hidden away in the garage and I can't get to it.... I don't know what to feel right now but it bothers me! If I had a memory box I would should him

OP posts:

GirlOverboard · 22/11/2016 21:28

You're being a bit controlling. Would you be happy if he demanded to read your diary? Or your text messages? There's a difference between wanting a little privacy and 'keeping secrets' from your partner. His memory box is obviously very personal to him and you should respect that.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 22/11/2016 21:31

Is the box locked, if it's not I can't believe you haven't already looked in it

CockacidalManiac · 22/11/2016 21:39

Run away?

Christ, what an overreaction

BraveDancing · 22/11/2016 21:43

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable but this reminded me of my ex girlfriend who used to routinely read my diary, hack into my email to check I wasn't talking to anyone she disliked, check my phone and dial any numbers she didn't recognise.

I didn't even realize how weird this was until I explained to my psychiatrist that I couldn't keep a mood journal to track my moods (bipolar) because she'd read it and get angry if I had the wrong mood. His expression was a picture. Seriously, everyone needs some privacy and not having that can be really unhealthy. Definitely leave the poor guy be.

Original poster

Bear2310 · 23/11/2016 11:46

Thank you to everyone who responded...it's funny a real mix of responses but I've desided to just leave it alone, yes it will bug me a little and leave me wondering but you guys are right thanks alot made me think about my self as girlfriend x

OP posts:

unicornpoopoop · 23/11/2016 11:49

I have boxes of old letters and photos and little memory trinkets.

I've told my husband that he probably wouldn't want to look in there. Not sure if he ever has or not but I know whilst most of it is innocent, there's bound to be some stuff he wouldn't want to see.

Saying that, it would kill me not to look if it were the other way around....

SinisterBumFacedCat · 23/11/2016 11:59

I don't think there's anything wrong in your partner having a memory box that they don't open.

Bit confused at why you're happy to name your partner in your op though....

Original poster

Bear2310 · 23/11/2016 12:24

Why what difference does it make putting a single name

OP posts:

Original poster

Bear2310 · 23/11/2016 12:29

I'm new on here are you not supposed to? Could you tell me the rules please? Didn't think it matters as there r probably about 3 million Christophershares in the world.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 23/11/2016 12:32

I probably wouldn't put even a single name. Sometimes (alot) the press lift threads and use them for their news online. If your partner saw this dilemma in the daily mail he could probably put 2+2 together and ask why he's in the national press if he sees his name.

Original poster

Bear2310 · 23/11/2016 12:36

Ok thanks hun x

OP posts:

Somerville · 23/11/2016 12:39

Saying hun is generally frowned upon on here too. As are kisses!

As are these 😂😘🙄😉.

I'm trying to think of the other unspoken rules while I'm at it. Umm...

Swearing is encouraged allowed, though.

TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt · 23/11/2016 12:45

Some people are more private than others. You knowing less about him than he does about you does not have to be a problem as long as you are both happy to accept and respect each other's privacy needs.

He had a life before he knew you and it has made him who he is today. He is entitled to mementoes of times/events/people that were significant to him. It doesn't mean that anything in that box would be a shock to you or a threat to your relationship - it's just none of your business.

If you're the kind of person who needs to know absolutely everything about their partner, and he's the kind of person who needs privacy and the right to quietly cherish his own past, neither of you are in the wrong but you'll have to learn to accept your differences, if you want to stay together.

Original poster

Bear2310 · 23/11/2016 13:04

Thank you so much you've really given me food for thought! 😊

OP posts:

Original poster

Bear2310 · 23/11/2016 13:05

Lol 😂

OP posts:

gamerchick · 23/11/2016 13:21

And lol

But bubs, hubby and holibobs are also out. Even better if you dare to use all 3 in one sentence and listen carefully, you can positively hear the splatter as mumsnetters explode over the walls.

Somerville · 23/11/2016 13:36

I got a LOL from someone at HQ the other day so I reserve the right to use it in future.

LookingGoodForTheLassies · 23/11/2016 13:37

as mumsnetters explode over the walls.

justdontevenfuckingstart · 23/11/2016 13:41

I can cope with most things but holibobs? Glad you've had some good responses op. Everyone has a past life and memories. Best to leave alone.

Ur buba ur rulz hun

drops mic.

Original poster

Bear2310 · 23/11/2016 13:46

Haha you guys are cracking me up here 😄 yeah your probably right! 😊

OP posts:

EmzDisco · 23/11/2016 14:19

Myself and DP have memory boxes that we had from before we got together. I think they mostly have things like gig tickets and undoubtedly odd bits from exes, that doesn't bother me though as we each accept we have had other partners, that were of course important to us.

I'd never ask to look at his, nor him me. They are our own personal life stories I guess.

We have a joint box too now, with things from holidays and early dates and now we have a DD we have one for her too.

Thinking about it we probably have too many memory boxes, what a pair of sentimental fools!

Vagabond · 23/11/2016 14:26

I have a massive memory box. If I tried to show it to DH, he'd probably die of boredom!

You have nothing to worry about OP. You seem very sweet so just let your sweetness ebb into a sense of understanding and acceptance. I also think it's great that your partner has a sense of his past. Only when we understand our past, can we move into our future! And here's a bit unmumnsetty kiss for all the rules you broke! xx

FastWindow · 23/11/2016 21:15

cockacidal yep i did sound a bit final there.

I had a memory box once. Was 19. New bf made me bin the entire thing, claimed it was an insult to him, as he was the only memory i should need.

Would i had had MN then to advise me on red flags... I'd have escaped the next four years of gaslighting. And worse.

So that's where my run away comment came from, but I must concede that not everything is a red flag. It was from a place of good concern only.

Wish i still had my memory box. All i have is my fading memory of having once had a memory box

Cuttingthecheese · 24/11/2016 12:24

I love my memory box, I keep things that remind me of happy times. Yes, that includes some stuff from exes but, they are exes. Doesn't mean that I use it to sit pining over them. I just like to occasionally remember the happy times and that's OK. My wonderful DH knows it's there and knows what's in it. He can look if he likes but we are too busy making happy memories together

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