H wants to stay together "for the kids"

[nettlefettle]

Married for 14 years, 2DC, aged 12 and 8. After 2 years of counselling on and off, H will not go any more. I felt vindicated through counselling and I think he felt attacked. He is not abusive (although passive aggressive), and is a good dad. I do not love him any more and I doubt that he loves me.

Without going into all the details the issue is that he thinks we should stay together until our youngest has left home, stating “I’m not leaving and neither are the kids”. I think that we should split up, however we are not in a financial position to do so. We are struggling every month with finances. We are not modelling a good relationship for our children, having said that they are loved very much by us, although I’m sure they are being affected by the lovelessness between h and me.

I feel completely helpless and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I’m sad most of the time and often tearful. My frustrations with the usual kid stuff is amplified and it feels like H is just sitting there while I get get wound up, then swoops in being the calm and collected parent, making me look like a lunatic. That may be just how I see it, but I’m scared that he is “giving me enough rope to hang myself” figuratively speaking. I have a tendency to have a few drinks, to blot out the emptiness and sadness, but just about managing to keep a handle on that. He does not really drink. It’s always been an issue between us. I can’t live in this void for another 10 years.

Not sure what I'm asking for - maybe just a handhold, or some backbone

Another 10 years of this misery doesn't sound great. I'm not being funny, but who knows how much longer anyone has on earth. Why spend the next 10 years in this marriage, when you can be moving on.

You'll only be 10 years older and for him, that may not be such a bad thing. Men have no problem attracting a woman 20 years younger. I'd want to get out while age was on my side.

You don't love him right? .... imagine if he got ill and you ended up being stuck caring for a husband you couldn't stand ... for fear of people saying how awful you are if you leave once he's ill.

I have a friend this happened to and she was so bitter when she found herself stuck with him, when he was diagnosed with cancer. She couldn't leave then. She was even more angry when he died. Burying a man she didn't love and was bordering on hating.

Life's too short to be stuck in a marriage when you know there's no love and no hope.

Please don't stay it'll eat away at you and the kids will pick up on it.

Does it matter what school your DD goes to there are others and it's 2 years away?

Does it matter where you live?

No you need to happy and not thinking or second guessing yourself for the next 10 years and by the way the kids won't thank you for it they may even resent that is what you both decided.

After having counselling for two years, you really have done your best to salvage the marriage. Living together for another decade wouldn't be good for any of you.

It sounds like the drinking and the financial situation are the two big hurdles to deal with and it's very daunting and difficult, but you can do it. Even if leaving takes time, do get advice and start making a plan so you can see something positive in your future. Otherwise it's just slipping into a miserable inertia. It's good that you can get along ok day to day and keep conflict to a minimum but that alone is not a reason to stay.

My kids went to two different schools as my daughter got into a specialist language school and my son is not into grammar. By that age they can travel independently so the logistics is not a problem, and actually being in separate schools meant they didn't get compared, either in popularity or achievement - not a bad thing.

Maybe your husband is just scared too and sticking his head in the sand? If you can sit him down and persuade him to cooperate maybe you can work out the financial issues more easily. How about asking him outright if he's too scared to accept the obvious, and suggesting that you work through it together? Now that would be good for the children, seeing you sorting things out in a friendly way and helping one another. Would make it a lot less scary for all.

Ravenmum I'm not bothered about DCs going to different schools or the logistics. As you rightly say, they travel independently at that age. I am bothered about the lack of school choice and the fact we have an excellent state secondary close by where DD goes and it would also suit DS and he would get in on distance even without sibling policy (most probably).

You have to get out. I'm all for trying to work it out for the sake of the kids if there is something worth working out. BUT (and this is the hard one) you have a life too, and you deserve some happiness.

That's annoying. Is the school in the potential new area no good? Have you looked into the different areas you could move to? There might be somewhere further away with a decent school for your son and a bus route for your daughter, for instance.

Your husband 's not wanting to split up is good in some ways as it means you have time to plan. Take advantage of that and work things out one by one. Research into the details of where you could live. Start untangling finances bit by bit. Get back a feeling of control over your own life. Are you in separate rooms yet?

Before I left my husband our finances were tight. There was never any spare money at the end of the month.
Once I knew I was leaving I tried to be more frugal with the weekly shop and would get cash back that I saved (joint accounts so cash back did not show).
I started to separate our finances and was ready to have control of my finances once the house was sold.
I have moved to a cheaper area but it is a lovely road with great neighbours.
Strangely I am financially better off at the end of each moth than when we were together and I'm actually saving.
Kids are far happier our relationship sounded similar to yours, but leaving has been my best decision.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to post here. I will read all the posts in more detail when I get chance later. I suspect I will have to make a plan the may take a year or two to execute. I have one thing I'm working on that may help my independent situation in the future but don't want to mention it for fear of outing myself. Funnily enough I'm listening to a radio show right now all about people who are JAM (just about managing). It's us completely. Regarding moving out of the area, if our home were to be sold, I would literally have to move miles away to be able to afford somewhere else (definitely well beyond school commutable distance).