Did I blow my chances with this guy... online dating vs bad past experience

[oldandstupid]

First of all, thanks for patience reading this, I really need some perspective, as despite my serious age (39) I am very new to all this online dating thing!
After failed 15 year old relationship and 3 years of being single …and a couple of flings/dates with the wrong guys I finally met someone who seems to be normal and I think I really like him.
We’ve met online, been dating for 2 months, know details about our jobs and families, been to each other houses, had sex (yes!) and all seems to be going good but!
I cannot get rid of impression that for the past 2-3 weeks his interest in me is going down.
At the beginning we chatted for hours every evening, always saying good night and good morning, learned about each other through these a lot. He kept saying how much he fancies me, how much he misses me when we are not in touch and tbh I think he was much more into me than I was into him at the beginning. I was a bit reserved, bearing in mind my previous crap experience with man and OLD, but eventually dropped my guard a bit and started liking him more and more. Now, he seems to withdraw a bit. We still talk and text but there is a massive drop in length and quality of these chats, there are more for making arrangements to meet. I even asked him once if anything changes but he says he still likes me loads and wants us to meet, suggested weekend away in the near future. Now, what bugs me is that sometimes I don’t hear from him for 2-3 days until I make a contact. He always replies, but sometimes I see him online and resist the urge to write, he doesn’t write first. He is not extremely busy at work from what I know, has kids over less than myself (full time mum) and generally is probably quite used to single life, so that might explain it a bit (??).

We meet on average once a week. After our last date (dinner, then very good sex) he was to stay overnight at mine but when he came he said he cannot as has early meeting at work. OK, fair enough, normal thing, I wasn’t disappointed. Then he was out one evening with his best mate and was to pop in for a couple of hours afterwards but cancelled on the same day as they met another friend and it was too late. Tbh honest I couldn’t be upset about it either as he made arrangements with the friend earlier and my invitation was last minute, he said he would like to come but might not be able to make it.
The same week I noticed he hid his last online status on whatsapp and it all together made me feel a bit suspicious, as we usually chat on there. I started wondering if he is hiding from me because I chase him too much?? ( I don’t think I do, as I said there are days when we don’t talk at all). I have loads of insecurities about people being honest and open, as my husband of 8 years had a long term affair, was very secretive with his phone and laptop and I finally found out through snooping… and I guess these bad memories are just kicking in now.
I couldn’t resist asking my new guy if he hid his status because of me…. And instantly regretted it, felt like some controlling freak but the damage was done. He explained that it wasn’t the case, apparently he just re-installed the apps and this is how it came out. I wrote to him lengthy apologies and explanation (too lengthy, I know…) about me being a bit paranoid about these things due to ex cheating in the past. He wrote that he understood and we carried on normal chat.
We are to meet again this week.

Now: my problem and question. Did I blow my chance with him by showing all this messy insecure and controlling side of me? I do a really good job on a daily basis with keeping cool and I am not controlling by nature but ex’es affair made me a bit obsessive about use of social media, checking people etc. I feel stupid and like some immature teenager that I even brought it up with him…
And second question: how can I make it up, what to do and how to behave to make it all work – after I have done what I have? I really like this guy and I can see us possibly having a relationship in the future but surely he won’t stay around if I behave like this… how to deal with these emotions that make me wonder and question his loyalty and strength of his feelings towards me? At the end of the day it is all very early days, we started as a rather casual arrangement and didn’t even have the talk about being exclusive etc…. but it seems like I am overly investing in it all already, which might probably be a massive turn off for him and anyone, really.
I just want to be normal about these things and let things happen at a natural healthy pace, but I guess my bad past experience makes me a bit of a crazy woman at times.

smalltowntwirl I have to ask, why did you not dump him then?

I don't think he should say sorry for feeling different. I think he should say sorry for not being honest. Every decent human being would, bearing in mind that 'level' of closeness as we had (sex, letting each other in our homes, sharing family details and stories).

And re me being needy. I guess I do come across as needy in this thread, especially through the length of my post haha... but I guess it is sort of therapeutical for me. I just find it really hard to understand why I let myself in that position AGAIN. I really tried to be normal and cool about this, I remember that I actually was thinking at the beginning - whoa, this guy is intense and fast - but I tried to neglect that voice because I tend to be negative about dating matters. My marriage and dating experience left me thinking that things with guys rather don't work out, and this time it will be probably the same... so I really really tried to be positive and balanced here.

Oh well. I guess I just let myself to analyze and wobble over this weekend and then move on... luckily have too much on my plate with regards to work and being a mum to dwell on it for too long.

And one more - being controlling/monitoring someone's online presence... how do you approach that? If a guy texts you often and first, and then he stops, if you answer him back and see that he is on whatsapp or fb (not that you are obssesively looking) but you do see when talking to friends or family - aren't you getting suspicious?
If he installs the app to talk to you ( that's what he told me) and then he hides his online stamp - and says he didn't realise he did it, and turns it back on - doesn't that sound weird?
If you chat to him and then he says he is tired and needs to sleep - and then an hour later he is still online on whatsapp - isn't that fishy?

I think it's easy to say don't do it - I never was paying attention to it till I noticed that my ex husbands is active online when he was apparently working (he was not allowed phone due to nature of his job) or sleeping after extra night shift (you could explode a grenade next to him when he was tired and he would still sleep). And this is how I slowly discovered his affair, he was constantly talking to a 22 year old OW.

Some of my friends discovered guys infidelity through similar stories too.
It turns out that I was suspicious for a reason with this guy - he actually did change towards me and it was just one of warning signs. My wobbling is about him not being honest as soon as he knew he doesn't feel the same about me. I just hate playing games, why not saying I am not interested anymore or please let's slow down, I need some time and space to decide what I want...

I'm sorry to hear this op but I stand by what I said. Be yourself, and act and contact etc when you want to.i don't think you rushed things at all, in fact you took it slowly and he was the one doing all the chasing.

It sounds to me like he likes the chase and the fun beginning bit of a new romance and that's it. So, whenever you became available he would have gone off you.

As Cric said, It sounds to me like he likes the chase and the fun beginning bit of a new romance and that's it. So, whenever you became available he would have gone off you.

This. He has love bombed you. It's a thing. And a massive Red Flag. You were prepared to move more slowly, like a sensible human, and he pushed it. Now he has withdrawn his affections, and you are feeling the loss, and are naturally a bit bewildered.

When you have been subjected to unfaithful partners (and many of us have, unfortunately) you recognise the signs that were there, and often ignored. The whatsapp stuff etc. Watching this stuff is a sensible way of looking after yourself. I wouldn't necessarily mention it, but I would be aware of it, having been badly burned, and been far too trusting. So yes he is entitled to move on, and text you less etc, but it was him that was full on to start with, until he 'hooked' you.

I don't think you should question yourself too much over this. I think his actions made you insecure within the situation, and had he progressed at a normal pace your expectations would not have been raised. Far too many men on OLD are like kids in sweet shops. He may well have been one of them. There are plenty of potential partners out there, when you feel up to joining the fray again. It's just a numbers game. Good luck!

At such an early stage in a relationship, you need to not care so much/be dependent on it. Keep doing everything else you do eg seeing other friends. Be much more cautious about new people & definitely be too busy with yr fabulous life to have time or inclination to check what they are doing on social media!!

The sum of my (long :( ) experience of OLD is that if it's any effort AT ALL or becomes so, its not worth it. Just move on. Flogging a dead horse will just delay you finding a nice guy who doesn't play games

People do this kind of stuff all the time, OP. Men do it, women do it, idiots do it, and some perfectly nice people do it too tbh.

Yes in an ideal world he would have been upfront immediately. But come on, have you never in your life been less than transparent about your feelings and wants? Never made an excuse not to go out with a friend when you just didn't fancy it? Never tried to let someone down gently because being completely honest just felt too awkward? Some people can't bear a scene and hope they can just bow out slowly without having to have a 'conversation'.

He came on strong, then he changed his mind. It sucks, I know. But thems the breaks. In a few weeks it won't matter anymore. x

Its true that in a few weeks it won't matter :)
But also true that you have probably scared him off by being needy. I feel qualified to say this as I have done it with the man I thought to be the love of my life. Pls learn from this. I am now in a nice, calm relationship with a man who does not play games or make me doubt myself. As I write I am sitting incront of a roaring fire & he is cooking dinner :) Though still sometimes think of the other guy...

I think needy can show itself in a few different ways maybe that you haven't been aware of, body language or reactions to things and he is a coward but I have known a few of them in my time And they Never redeem themselves in any way, an apology or you telling him some home truths will not make a difference. It's his issue just as yours are yours.

Thing is you ended up being right but a massive red flag to me is all the stuff he said to you at the beginning, it's never a good sign when someone gushes over you like that and looks like they have jumped in with both feet and a blindfold as what it does is blind you to other things and also never end up being sustainable. A good solid relationship to me is something that slowly builds - you can't know that it's for keeps for a long time, and yes you enjoy being together but you don't make silly promises.

and to be frank there are many guys out there who like "the thrill of the chase" Once they know they have you waiting on their every text/call, they lose interest. These are the guys who rarely get to even the 7 year itch!, because they have an itch at 7 weeks and constantly need that "just met someone fresh" feeling. Consider yourself lucky OP, you wouldnt want to be even more involved with this kind of guy.

I'm pretty sure that whoever it was that invented 'Last Online' on WhatsApp is a complete sadist. Look at the trouble it caused this perfectly blossoming relationship here.

OP, if I were you I'd switch it off - you switch your last seen off you can't see anyone else's last seen (only when they're actually online) and so the paranoia can't happen.

You don't know if the relationship ended because of the WhatsApp monitoring, or if he genuinely was 'wasn't feeling it'. However it's a difficult thing for someone to hurt someones feelings after two days, two months or two years...so maybe he did try to carry on for a couple of days before he ended it. But you have to remember this guy could still be stringing you along now, not messaging for days and you'd be here with the paranoia he's up to something.

He's eventually (albeit two days late) done the decent thing. I'd let it go, and then delete the Last Seen as quick as you can!!

OP you said 'not that you are seriously looking' abut checking someones online status, but that is exactly what you were doing.

Switch off the 'last seen' function on whatsapp. Don't become FB friends until you are completely secure in a relationship. Then you won't have this worry about whether they are online and ignoring you or they are chatting to someone else.

I've been cheated on and it's hard to trust again. But if someone I'd dated for a few months was asking me about what I'd been up to online and knew the times I'd been online, I would run a mile.

I think SlenderIsTheNight posts were spot on.
Whether it's a normal friendship or a relationship, it can often go very pear-shaped when it is too full-on at the beginning.

The monitoring of what time I´d been online would seriously put me off someone. Also the questions about why I hadn´t replied, why I had functions switched off, etc. As much as I love my boyfriend, I want to be able to talk to friends/ surf in peace/ do some reading/ whatever without having to drop it all because he commands my instant response.

I don´t think this guy has done anything wrong. He met someone he liked, was really keen and first, and then when he got to know them better, he discovered that they weren´t for him. That´s what dating is for. You didn´t do anything wrong either by wanting more than he did. That´s also what happens in dating.

So put it behind you, and move onwards to the next guy. But turn off the message thing if you can´t relax with it. Try to see messaging as an invitation to conversation rather than a summons when you send one. So if someone doesn´t reply immediately, it just means that they haven´t got round to it yet.

He wasn't the right man for you. The right man for you will make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside and secure. The good news is that your instinct was right but instead of binning him you blamed yourself for being too needy and insecure. Stop blaming yourself for his bad behaviour. The guy was a dick!

He has done wrong I think because he led the OP on.