Firstly a disclaimer, I know it is annoying for people with ASD or with children with ASD to be associated with neagtuve character traits in this way, but I have specific reasons for wondering about this, which hopefully will become clear.
My husband is a very difficult man. We have been married for 10 years and have 3 dds and over this time I have learnt how to handle him to reduce conflict, but I don't think he has really changed.
He is very controlling. He has managed to change this in the way he interacts with me, as if he hadn't, he would have lost me, but it still comes out. Lots of passive aggressive behaviour, if something isn't his idea, he will make sure he stamps something of him on it one way or the other. This is the narcissism suspicion, along with the fact that he seems unable to imagine how his behaviour might impact upon others.
However, he also has an element of oversensitivity which makes me question how much control he has over his behaviour. He is extremely sensitive to sounds, smells and tastes. His job involves working in peoples homes (he is self employed, don't think he could stand working with others), and has actually cancelled lucrative contracts due to the smell of someones home. I know the oversensitivity is genuine as I have seen evidence of his ridiculously acute sense of smell. For example a cat ran into our house from the garden, when DH came back from work, he could smell it (also allergic to cats and dogs). He is not sensitive to fabrics though, which I know many people with ASD are.
The other thing that makes me suggest ASD is that while he is completely insensitive to people feelings (has made people cry and not been able to understand why), he is very strongly affected by seeing people ill, he has been reduced to tears by me being ill (I have a long term illness which is OK for ages and then symptoms return), and will do anything and everything to help. I wonder if this is because it is visible and therefore easier for him to understand?
The intensity of his behaviour waxes and wanes, it's worse in the winter (we seem to be at a peak right now, hence posting this).
While at times he can be lovely, obviously this all has an impact on the family. I have learnt to work around him, and sadly, DDs are learning the same skills. He is a good Dad to them, spends a lot of time with them etc, but I do find it sad that they have learn this so young. His own family seem to do the same. Challenging him when he is being controlling or unreasonable makes things worse, but he will often later acknowledge when he has not been nice, and sometimes apologise. But when he is at a low he can go for long periods without 'coming out of fog'.
I love him, and don't want to leave him. He has a lot of attractive qualities. He is very clean and tidy, both with personal appearance and round the house. He has also supported me a lot to progress in my career despite my illness and I couldn't have done this without him.
But sometimes I find it so tiring and feel really hard done to. It has affected my friendships, we don't really socialise as a family so while I'm in touch with friends we don't share family events and things (he doesn't really have friends and generally doesn't enjoy being around people except us).
I would really like to understand more about where all this comes from. Any ideas?