My partner took a photo of me and I didn't like it so he blamed me for being ugly.. Feeling gutted

[Prettypaticularperson]

He took a picture of me and my new baby daughter. All I said was it's an awful photo so he told me it's because I'm ugly. He laughed afterwards because I pulled him look but I didn't react.

Now I'm sat here feeling hurt.. I don't look my best atm because I've just had a baby and I'm tired and a little flabby.. But he never does anything to make me feel pretty so to speak..

He only ever comments on my flaws rather than anything nice.

I really want to cry but I don't want him to see me or to think it has affected me in anyway.

I don't feel attractive at all anymore and our sex life has gone downhill (even before a baby)

I'm not sure how to approach it

That's the thing guys... It's me that wants it
Partially because I want that love and intimacy from him...
He's knocked me back for the past year unless he is in the mood and I now don't have the confidence to try..

What do you want?. Him to love you and to cherish you. Won't happen.

He has got you where he wants you; i.e. someone to now clean up after him. He has all the power and control in this relationship and will not relinquish any to you.

He has made you really a shadow of a person who now has low self worth and confidence. He has done a right number on you and you were vulnerable after your last abusive relationship in any case. Your boundaries were skewed then and still are.

Your own recovery from his abuse will only start when you are fully apart from him. He will likely not make any separation at all easy because he will likely turn real nasty and use your child as a weapon against you. This is still no reason not to get away from him though. He knows how to press your buttons all too well and I would also argue that you do not know him at all.

This all sounds EXACTLY like my ex boyfriend. I was with him for 10 years and he would regularly come out with negative comments about my appearance / personality and compare me to other women (she's thinner than you, you don't have a good sense of humour like so-and-so etc..) and whenever I told him how it made me feel I also got the "I'm only telling you because I love you and wouldn't lie" line. Also told me nobody else would love me like he does, especially with me being so oversensitive. He drove my confidence into the gutter and I actually ended up self harming before I finally got the strength to leave.

Your bf probably does "love" you in his own twisted, messed up way. But this isn't the kind of love you need. And he certainly does not respect you.

When men treat women like this (or vice versa) I strongly believe it is because it's their way of having control when they are actually quite insecure themselves. If they beat your confidence down so low they know you will never leave. And it sounds like he is succeeding at this, OP, as you say you think nobody else would have you with your "baggage". Did he tell you that, or hint at that?

Relationships like this are TOXIC, and can be very hard to get out of because you just can't think straight. But you must get out for your child's sake, you wouldn't want him dragging down your childs confidence too when they're old enough. And trust me, once you are out of the toxic atmosphere you will NEVER look back. For me, leaving him felt like breathing fresh air for the first time in years.

Don't let him twist your mind and please don't let him manipulate you into staying with him. You are strong, and there will be new partners on the horizon if you want them. The only kind of men who would consider your beautiful child "baggage" are shallow self centred types like your bf! Be strong xx

He kept digging last night so I lost it..
Told him to take his little dick and find one of these stunners he kept banging on about..
I kind of exploded which I know isn't the best way to deal with it.. But I for sick of the put downs..
Well... I seen someone entirely different.. He's grovelling and grovelling and I think the thoughtless bastards penny may have dropped.
But we'll see.. I've decided never to take shit again x

Good woman yourself.

He's a nasy bastard. If you won't get rid of him for your own sake, do it for your kids. It's better to be alone than this poison.

I'm so glad you exploded on him but please seriously consider your future with this man. Amd also I would recommend doing the freedom programme. You can do this online. As unfortunately, you've ended up with two abusive men and they could be targeting you as you are so nice. So if you do the freedom programme, it will help you see all the red flags in future and it will help protect yourself. Good luck.

Told him to take his little dick and find one of these stunners he kept banging on about..
I kind of exploded which I know isn't the best way to deal with it.. But I for sick of the put downs..
Well... I seen someone entirely different.. He's grovelling and grovelling and I think the thoughtless bastards penny may have dropped.

WOW. I just love this POP. Well done and don't you let him get away with that crap anymore. Pat yourself on the back my dear.

He better shape up or ship out.

Good one, there was a poster here years ago, don't know if anybody else remembers it but her 'partner' kept going on about what a great body Shakira had when she was up half the night with a baby, so when she finally dumped him and moved out she said ''good luck with Shakira''.

Good on you for standing up for yourself! The grovelling reeks of manipulation to me, but I'm a cynic after my experience.

Make sure he never slides back into his old ways again, and if he does then be just as assertive as you have here. He's had his warning, no more chances if he does it again! Xx

It reeks manipulation to me too and I'm on my guard now.. I've pulled some strength from somewhere since I'm not pregnant and vulnerable anymore and totally put the foot down.. Instead of shedding tears I've decided to try channel it into building the future for my babies..
I've warned him that I'll quickly dispose of his arse if that attitude towards me arises again.. Im going to take him grovelling ect with a pinch of salt until I see him to continue to show this level of respect throughout the relationship. You are absolutely right ladies I don't deserve it and I've told him the same. I've told him I will eventually find a man who loves me unconditionally and shows my daughter the way she should be treated or I'll teach her independence if nobody matches the level of respect I give out. I know my self confidence is lacking and my anxiety spikes around that... But that's because of him and I've also told him that..

I actually said to him.. I've started training again and I feel more confident in myself and I'm building myself back up.. So deep down I know I'm a catch as people have said as much.

I do think the penny has dropped but I'll keep my guard up because I also know I can hold my own.
Thanks for the support ladies

I'm also raising my boys to be men so if he doesn't act like the man I want them to be.. I certainly can't have him around them x

I'm interested to know how he used to speak to you in the early days, IP. Did he really treat you like a princess and then start making all these vile remarks? Was it truly a complete about-face? Did he really make you feel beautiful and desired and protected and then start telling you you're ugly (you're not) and sneering as you breastfeed his child?

I ask because I think you need to know what it is that draws you to such awful men. What is the attraction? How do they make you feel? What do they bring to you that makes you want them in your life?

And once you know that, you can work on building yourself up independently of these abusive shitbags and seek the happiness you deserve.

And great news on your show of strength.

Congrats on your baby girl. Hes vile, to say that at all but to tar this special time with your new baby, vile.

Only advice is really consider LTB.

Just to add I have 4 dcs, am massivley over weight and my dh is nothing but supportive, kind and comlimentary. I could almost feel stunning but the mirror and scales don't lie!

You go girl!

I'd been in a bad relationship and yes he was like a different brand of Man..
He order me flowers.. Left my love notes in my bag... Helped me build my life back up after I got into a rut... Reminded me how it felt to be young and in love and proved he was in it for the long haul... Called me beautiful, complemented me... Jumped my bones so to speak..
Then it gradually wore of, he became more obsessed with my ex and controlling that situation, like he was jealous in some way.. And I don't know why..

My ex and I were dead a long time ago..
I have no feelings for him
I don't even hate him.
We have a mutual interest that is all.. Our children.
I met him when I was 15 and he was 20.. I didn't have a great child hood.. He was my escape. He abused me... Mentally, physically, financially and once even sexually in a subtle way.. I learnt he was a little man (fully true) and I was more powerful than him.. I built a support network and told him for better words to leave.. He did.. And so on!

My dad was a an abusive prick too.. He was a serial cheat also..

I do see a pattern and more so over the past year.

Really well done, you deserve so much better than this abusive man. I suspect the change in him is temporary.

If you can try and get things in place so you feel able to leave if he reverts to type. It is better to be on your own than in an abusive relationship.

Congratulations on your little girl

I'm really sorry, OP, but it sounds as though you've been a victim of "lovebombing". Vile men find women who aren't used to being treated well, overload them with too much affection too soon, and then once you're emotionally attached, or have a baby, they can drop the act. Too much love when they hardly know you is a bad sign.

But it sounds as if you've made the start in rediscovering yourself, which is great. Remember, he's supposed to add to your life. If he's draining it, he's worse than useless.