Compassion fatigue where one party is a carer

[PlayOnWurtz]

Last night my dh told me he has compassion fatigue and that he can no longer be sympathetic to me when I have a health crash. I am sympathetic to him that looking after me is hard work but I don't stop him doing things he wants to do for himself, the only area I'm perhaps not normal is that I can't do a 50:50 split on the housework so he has to do it all (inspite of the fact I keep saying we should get a cleaner in!)

At the start of our relationship the tables were turned slightly and I supported him through his early recovery from alcoholism however now the shoe is on the other foot he can't seem to reciprocate without setting terms and conditions

How do other couples cope in our situation?

I'm really sorry you're both going through this

Your health isn't your fault but it isnt his either

I'm sorry to hear about your infertility but I think another child would be the worst thing you could do.

Has he had any counselling? Is there anyone he can talk to about what it's like for him?

If you can afford a cleaner I would organise this and book it yourself. Surely that has to take some of the pressure off you both.

I have been on both sides of this. I've had seriously mh issues myself at various points in my life and I've also (now) experienced it from the other side with a dh who has serious anxiety to the point he had a breakdown and had a year off work and then left two other jobs unable to cope. I love him to bits and I would do anything to support him but he knows himself that there's only so much anyone can do to help. He has changed medications several times and it's only now he's started to feel better on the new one he's on. Have you changed meds or could you try some other ones?

Does your dh have any health issues himself?

He does a lot of the parenting. He is, during my worst times, physical and emotional carer and I hate that. I hate having to put that on him.

His t&cs are that I do as I'm told basically. That I don't push myself on good days. That I go and "relax" in the bath (I fucking hate baths I can't get out of it easily!) each evening.
That I use essential oils (which cause me migraines) to help ease my anxiety
That I get an early night (as in 9pm)
That I take medication that I've taken in the past that makes me incredibly unwell simply because a Dr suggested it'd be worth another shot
He decides what I wear to work because he won't let me iron my clothes

Writing it down I sound like a complete cow but I have very little control over my own life any more and him micromanaging me, even when it's with his heart in the right place, just makes me want to do the opposite.

I'm not an easy person to look after. I do do what the hcp's tell me to do. But I'm also my own person and sometimes I want to stay up and watch shit TV!

I don't mean this to come across as unsympathetic Play but how do you deal with your illness? We nearly reached breaking point a while ago because dh was taking all the bad things he felt out on me. He'd got into a cycle of not going to work so he was home all day thinking about nothing else other than how bad he felt.

I'm in no way taking away from the fact that he was feeling dreadful but it went beyond that and he was almost wallowing in his misery.

It wasn't until I told him I was leaving that he listened to how I felt. He was able to change his outlook on his illness and started to look at it as something he had to live with and work around rather than sit around feeling bad and not doing anything.

I realise this does sound unsympathetic and it's probably not coming across as I intended, but could you have a chat to your Dh to see the reasons for why he's feeling this way?

Could he get some support?
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/get-support/local-support
Also he is entitled to a carers assessment from the local authority. I feel like this towards my DP sometimes. It's often a sign I need to get some time to myself, sort out some temporary practical support. Also what also helps is if my DP acknowledges that I am struggling and does as much as possible to seek further help. Even if it is self help. Anxiety and depression can be overwhelming and often you can feel it is happening to you and their is nothing you can do, but looking at small changes to make improvements in your mental health can make a big difference to you and can help your DP have hope that things will change. Have you looked at pacing techniques for fatigue for example. Have you had a blood test for any vitamin deficiencies? I am sorry you are in this situation OP and I hope things can get better for you both

Yeah but if you stay up and watch shit TV does that mean a very bad day the next day?

In my family's situation the carer could be perceived from the outside as being quite controlling. She had bowel issues, so he insisted on fibre for breakfast. She became quite petulant about that. But he was the one who had to change her pads.

So theres often another side to it.

I'm not a joy vampire if that's what you're implying

I'm actually usually quite stoic about it believe it or not. I don't generally talk about it and I don't generally say when I'm in a lot of pain I tend to just take myself off and medicate and rest.

With the anxiety it's harder because the panic attacks happen at night usually when I'm dropping off to sleep or actually in my sleep so it does disrupt him occasionally - although I try to get out of bed and take myself downstairs when they strike.

But generally if you speak to me you wouldn't know what I'm dealing with. I've been told by colleagues they can see in my eyes when I'm hurting and they usually tell me to go home in those instances. Work are brilliant about it.

But yes it gets me down. I would imagine living with someone who is stubborn and in pain and wants to still be normal is frustrating. I don't do pity parties. I don't do breakdowns of emotion. I'm very British stiff upper lip - perhaps this is why I'm so mentally fucked up?

I feel sorry for dh and I do wonder if it's time to draw a line in the sand and let him be happy.

I do get the lack of control you feel but it might be useful to reconsider his Ts&Cs from his viewpoint - seems he's trying to manage his workload & persuade you to do the things that help you.
Are you taking yr frustration out on him?
Can you tell him in advance which clothes to iron that you want to wear?
Can't you watch shit tv earlier in the evening so you get enough sleep - or is the problem getting to sleep?

Sorry lots of cross posts there!!

Thank you for your help BTW it's good to see from the other side why my dh is feeling how he is

He does sound quite controlling from what you've written. Unless he has serious concerns about your own safety he shouldn't be dictating what you do and when to that extent. The medication bit is a bit different because if he can see they help you (even if you can't) then of course he's going to want you to take them. One of the things dh and I clash about is that I insist he continues to take his antidepressants as otherwise he descends into bordering psychotic anxiety episodes. If he doesn't take them I feel like he's not willing to help himself.

If your dh wasn't there what would you do to look after yourself? Would you need to get a carer?

Sorry, but he's not your carer, he's your prison warden....

It sounds a wretched way to, live not being allowed any autonomy at all.

I'm sorry Play, I really don't want you to think that i think you are wallowing, it sounds like you are dealing with it as best you can.

Remember that I can only give you my perspective and I have never suffered from a chronic illness so don't know how it feels.

I'm a bit confused as to how a baby would possibly fit into this situation.

Those "Ts & Cs" do sound controlling.

Do you get support from health services for your MH?

I can't work out wether he is controlling.

Or if he is at the end of is tether and, from his perspective, you don't manage your illness well. Which impacts him massively. And his grasping at ways to make it work.

It could be either. If it's the second could joint therapy be an option?

Does he know you feel these terms are controlling? From what you say they do sound too much but as other posters have said he might perceive them as helping you?

I find it very difficult to articulate what I want to say when I'm upset so could never explain to dh what he was doing that upset me. We both had issues with each other (not just around his illness) so I took some advice from here and we both wrote down a list of things we wanted to change or had a problem with. We agreed that we would each read and address each other's points without any interruption. It meant we could both see each other's point of view and agree what we could change and what we could put up with.

Could you do something similar?

OP, do you claim PIP? It sounds as if you would qualify. That money could, and should be spent on making your life easier, ie cleaner, ironing service, pre prepped veg.

My dh does loads for me physically and hardly ever moans but I try very hard not to complain to him but off load onto others, friends, my counsellor. He can't cope with my emotions so well.

Men are often fixers so being faced with the unfixable is really tough for them. I suspect this is where his T&Cs are coming from but they are unreasonable as you know. You are an autonomous adult and can make your own decisions about what to wear. Don't have a bath to please him...say, thanks I'm not having a bath because that's painful but I will relax on the bed for an hour. Ditto the aromatherapy oils. Nice idea but not a success.

Your situation is different to mine because I'm only suffering physical disability ( although that drives you pretty mad) but I can identify with you. Yesterday I chose to be out all day doing something I love with my fabulous friend. Dh looks a bit cross because I've wrecked myself but that's my choice. Today I've done almost nothing which is my choice. My price to pay.

And I agree about support groups. I've had better luck with online support. FB have closed groups for almost every condition known to mankind.

igglu don't apologise! I appreciate your input

mrskeats it won't which is why we stopped ttc

dozer I have done in the past but they're so stretched they no longer manage chronic issues

Scooby I'd be open to therapy however he doesn't "do" therapy and thinks mental health and psychological issues are BS

matilda yes I claim pip which is why I keep pushing to get a cleaner in. But for whatever reason he resists. He works from home a lot and keeps using that as an excuse not to get one.

Thank you for your advice and support everyone. I'm taking it all on board.

Things blew up again last night when it transpired we as a family have been invited to a 50th birthday next week however dh told me it was a lads night out. I found out when the wife organising said how it would be lovely to see me out again as it had been a while and I gave the face saying it was a lads night out from what I'd been told...

My head is all over the place. If I do go it alone I will need a lot of help, for me and to run the house, I'd have the leave the dog with dh, I may even have to give up work. Every option open to me is shit.

Well you'd be able to get a cleaner in for a start....

And the kids can't be that young if you've been together a decade - they can throw on their own loads in the washing machine. I had a poorly mum and did my own laundry from 13.

And if the dog only has to be walked once a day, look into dog walkers. My neighbour has a bad ankle and has one permanently and she's not rich.

And you could go to therapy without his disapproval.

And no more bloody baths.

It sounds like he is really struggling and needs some support too, maybe it's not just you who is having MH difficulties. Honestly I would find it incredibly hard. Maybe couple counselling would help, he must have felt like this for a while but felt unable to say anything. Some open communication between you both would answer a lot of your questions.