Do you think difficult people know they are difficult?

[StreetFighter]

I've been pondering this in the run up to Christmas with family visits looming.

I'm generally pretty good at getting on with people, but after twenty-odd years, I've made my peace with the fact that I'm never going to be able to spend any time with my MIL without being driven to distraction.

It's really not because of the dynamics of the MIL/DIL relationship - she drives everyone crackers. She's self-centred (is only interested in talking about herself) domineering, has a hugely inflated sense of her own importance/expertise in any given area (including areas where the person she's talking to is an actual expert) and often rude. Family gatherings tend to involve everyone walking on eggshells and colluding in trying to placate her and not become embroiled in any contentious conversations with her.

It's not restricted to family, either. She has repeatedly alienated and offended acquaintances over the years, resulting in extended outraged ranting from her, with a complete inability to consider accepting any responsibility for the fall-out, or to identify patterns in her behaviour. She has one long-standing friend, a relationship which has survived due to this person being incredibly meek and never disagreeing with her and always allowing we to dominate and have her own way. FIL is a coward, and has enabled her poor behaviour for four decades; while he rolls his eyes at her and pulls faces behind her back, he never pulls her up on it, and often colludes in her self-righteous rants about the ways in which she perceives herself to have been wronged.

Anyway: I'm fascinated as to how she manages to maintain such an unshakeable belief in herself as likeable, reasonable and rational (indeed,she prides herself upon these things), in the face of all evidence to the contrary. How do people like this avoid self-reflection to such an extent and remain so utterly oblivious to their own faults? She's objectively a very, very difficult woman, but she has no idea whatsoever that this is the case. I just can't understand it - I'm very able to identify my less desirable character traits and behaviours (even if I struggle at times to change or modify them) and I think most people are similar.

What are your thoughts? Do you think difficult people are ever able recognise that they are difficult, or is this lack of recognition part of what makes them difficult?

I think most "normal" eg non narc people know they can be difficult sometimes or in certain situations. For example I like to have a plan each day and know.when things.are happening (although i dont mind changing plans its just no plan i cant stand) I really struggle "to take things as they come" I know some people find this really difficult.

I have experience of someone like that and they have no idea what they're like. I think their ego is so fragile that they can't bare to think they are anything less than perfect. If slightly challenged they go into a self protection mode. The person also gets angry and distainful if people have different likes or ideas from them. If someone talks about their A1 holiday they can't just accept they had a nice time. Of couse they only enjoyed A1 because they are boring, narrow minded etc. People like spicy food because they have no taste buds, really they can look down their nose about anything.

I can't decide if the behaviour has become ingrained because no one ever challenges them. Or deep down we all know that they will never get it, if we want to get the good part of them then they have to be placated.

I think most "normal" eg non narc people know they can be difficult sometimes or in certain situations.

This.
I would openly admit that I am not the easiest person to get along with. I have a number of psychological issues.

And just recently I read a book by a person with OCD who was really ashamed of how crazy she seemed to others, and how difficult it was to socialize with her because of her problems.

It depends on the person. There's probably non-narcissists who refuse to admit that they are difficult.
But there is plenty of very difficult people who are very aware of how difficult they are.

Sounds exactly like my SIL. I think she's just oblivious because she has such a high opinion of herself she thinks everyone else does too!

My mil is like this. She is warm loving selfless. Until you say no. Or express an opinion which differs to hers. I found this out the hard way.

My opinions are wrong. My expertise in my job is wrong she knows better.

She needs to have constant attention.

She cheats at board games. Then gets offended when she's called on it.

I have bought (but not yet read) toxic inlaws.

They don't see it because they don't want to. Npd, denial, enablement, confirmation bias, all combine. Npd and denial are bandied about quite flippantly when people are OCCASIONALLY awkward (as we all are sometimes, humans are inherently selfish if we weren't we wouldn't survive!) but there are people who genuinely strongly experience these.

My father ( I'm Nc now) addict (so an expert in denial), but definitely narcissistic too. Mum enables hugely. Everyone else is wrong, cannot understand why mum is the only person who is still in his life despite a long career (army which many people make lifelong friends in), 5 siblings who are close to their cousins too, 3 children (I'm completely Nc my siblings have very little to do with him and that's 'for mums sake'), and 6 grandchildren none of whom enjoy spending time with him.

My sister is becoming VERY like him, as a result I'm now Nc with her too.

Ex-mil - on her own less awful but with ex-fil argh! Very controlling, when I met her my ex tried to 'warn' me but didn't really have the vocabulary. His 2 brothers were Nc with his parents at the time. This was prior to me learning about all this stuff so I initially took at face value. As I got to know my in laws I understood why! Their daughter was still in contact but she was very good at managing them (and is very much the golden child, eldest brother one of the Nc ones very much the scapegoat), but later there were problems she had to deal with as they set her 2 kids against each other. Each had left home at young ages, had reportedly had difficult relationships with their own parents. When I met them they had one other couple they were friends with...then ex-mil had HUGE falling out with the wife over something ridiculous and that was that! They don't even like each other much! Ex-mil is an only child, but ex-fil has 2 sisters neither of which speak to him and haven't for decades - but it's EVERYONE ELSE who is 'difficult' 'awkward' 'oversensitive' (this one comes up a lot with their clear sexist/racist comments).

I once had a discussion with my best friend after a row with then mil along lines of 'maybe it is me' else how come I have such awful parents AND in laws. She wisely pointed out it was more likely ex and I were together as we understood each other having been raised by similarly awful parents!