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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Our relationship set up is starting to bother me now...

20 replies

juicychops · 14/02/2007 11:33

me and dp have been together just over a year and have known eachother for 5 years. I know you cant see into the future, but i know me and dp will spend the rest of our lives together

dp is 30 and has 3 boys between 8-13. He lives at his sisters but stays with me a few nights a week

im 22 and have ds 2 years

I haven't met his kids yet as he thinks its too soon for them and they are still struggling with the breakup. He was with his wife for 12 years.
Although personally, i dont feel it would be as bad for them as he thinks for me to meet them, its not my place to pressure him into doing something he doesn't want to do.

He spoils them rotten and he admits its wrong and he's only doin it as he feels guilty and bad for them that he doesn't see them as much as he used to. I agree its wrong thing to do but once again, its his money and his kids and not my place.

He's off this week with his boys at his mum and dads house and is spending lots of money taking them out every day and doin fun things with them.

Whilst this is what his boys need to spend quality time with their dad, i feel a bit envious as we dont get to spend time together going out and doing nice things as i get no help with ds so i have him 24/7 and get no break away. ds's dad or his family don't see him. And all his days off he spends with his boys

I know i have to be patient as his boys come first. But i feel like a spare part and just a bit added on to his life and he doesn't want the 2 to cross. Its starting to get me down now.

When he's with his boys he can't text me much as his eldest gets suspicious and gets nosy. I end up feeling forgotten about

I explain to him how i feel and he wishes we got to spend more time together as a propper couple. But because of our situations we cant work anything out.

its his sister's wedding in Aug and ive reminded him that if i haven't met his boys by then, i wont even be able to go as his girlfriend. I know his sister so obviously i would want to go to the wedding.

Its all getting too much for me

OP posts:

Original poster

juicychops · 14/02/2007 11:33

sorry its so long

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 14/02/2007 11:55

Oh Juicychops am for you as this sounds very tricky. You are clearly a very patient lady but maybe a tad too patient? A year is a long time to be keeping a secret and although it might be tough for the boys to accept you it has to be done as you seem very together with your DP. Does he have any plan for when he might tell them? I would start gently but firmly stating your position - that you'd like to be introduced soon (within the next month?), that you completely appreciate how important the boys' needs and feelings are, but that yours are important too so must not be completely side-lined. You also need to cultivate a babysitter you poor love! A night out every few weeks would do wonders for both you and your DP. Any friends that could oblige?

Original poster

juicychops · 14/02/2007 12:02

Dont really have many friends. My sister owes me a night as i had her dd for the night but im saving it for when we want to do something really good and special. i only got an hours sleep when i had my sis dd so there is no way we could arrange a regular swap... it nearly killed me!

I think its all to do with him not wanting to risk his boys being upset with him as he is trying really hard to fix the damage the break up has caused. But i cant wait forever i hate feeling like this

i feel like im being really selfish, but its got to a point where im really struggling every time im away from dp now.

i know he misses me when he's not with me, but it like he wins both ways. When he's not with me he's with his boys. But when im not with him i end up in this lonely depressive state!

OP posts:

NurseyJo · 14/02/2007 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Sparkletastic · 14/02/2007 12:06

You are not being selfish at all. Having a relationship with 2 sets of kids in the mix must be blimming hard especially in a situation such as yours. I do think you have been very patient and perhaps your DP has come to rely on you not to cause any ructions, but maybe you need to. Personal question and don't answer if you don't want to but were you the reason his marriage broke up?

mylittlestar · 14/02/2007 12:09

I think you've been incredubly patient and you deserve a bit more committment and attention from dp.

It's not about him spending less time with his boys or giving them less love or attention (you know how important that is) but it's about him spending quality time with you and on your relationship too. He needs to do both. Perhaps you have been so understanding that he doesn't realise quite how difficult it's getting for you.

Can you tell him how you feel and would he listen?

Carmenere · 14/02/2007 12:11

How long ago did he split with their mum? Is she likely to go mental if he has a new gf? Does she blame you for the split?
Tbh if their mum was fine with it, it would be a hell of a lot easier. Presumeably if he was with her for 12 years, has a 13 yr old son, is 30 he was with her from very young indeed and may be having difficulty in accepting that he is in another long term relationship so soon.

Original poster

juicychops · 14/02/2007 12:22

He thinks that his ex has a boyfriend and he knows he has a girlfriend but neither of them want to tell the boys. Dont know if they are waiting for the other to be the one to break it first.

i wasn't anything to do with their break up They split up about 8 months before me and dp got together.

We have talked about marriage in the future and future plans etc and i know that he is as committed to me as i am to him.

I keep thinking maybe he has got comfortable with the way things are and doesn't feel the need to tell the boys yet as he knows il just wait?

I could write him a letter and tell him exactly how i feel. I tell him bits and bobs when im having bad day and he seems understanding and sympathetic. He is a very understanding person

I understand how hard things are for him and his relationship with his boys. His wife has done a lot in the last 6 months to try and come between them and stop him seeing them so i think he is worried about anything destroying what he has fixed

OP posts:

Original poster

juicychops · 14/02/2007 12:23

meant to be 'she' knows he has a girlfriend

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Sparkletastic · 14/02/2007 12:29

Although your DP sounds lovely he is being a bit of a coward (as is his ex). The boys are old enough to understand even though they'll be angry and upset at first. The sooner he tells them the sooner they can start dealing with it IYSWIM. Writing it down deffo a good plan - maybe not tonight as I hope he is coming round for some Valentine's romance! Or then again what better time to focus on the two of you and how your relationship is developing...

Carmenere · 14/02/2007 12:33

He is coming around tonight isn't he? I suspect your instinct is right, he thinks you are ok with the situation when you are not. Do have a talk about it, maybe ask him to draw up a loose timetable of when he will introduce you to his other life

Original poster

juicychops · 14/02/2007 12:35

afraid he's with his boys tonight. We had our night together last night. il write him a letter tonight, but i wont give it to him until after half term has finished. I don't want anything to distract him from his week off with his boys

I wish i had a hobby or work or something to do in my free time to take my mind off it all when im on my own in the evenings

OP posts:

Carmenere · 14/02/2007 12:43

I have actually got some experience of this situation as dp kept me secret from his dc's for about a year because he said their mum would go mental. It was hideous for me tbh and I still resent it a bit although in truth she did go mental but I felt he was putting her feelings before mine. He wasn't though he was just concerned for his dc's (but their mum is an unbalanced, nasty piece of work).

He should not be spending tonight with his dc's though, he should have told them that he has to work a bit late and gone out for an early dinner with you. You need a bit more respect from him, a bit more appreciation of what he is putting you through, of what you are going through for the sake of his dc's.

It's is a very hard place to be Juicychops, you have my sympathy.

Original poster

juicychops · 14/02/2007 12:54

Thanks Carmenere. I really don't mind about not seeing him for Valentines day as we had a nice evening last night. And we cant really go out much because no babysitters for ds. He's at London for the day with his boys and wont be home till late so thats why he came round last night instead of tonight.

Its just a rubbish set up the whole thing and it is horrible. Even like when it was his boys birthdays i know they aren't my kids, but it would of been nice to know them and be able to share a bit of it with them as they make dp so happy and i want to share that happiness with him (if that makes sense)

OP posts:

Carmenere · 14/02/2007 12:55

Makes perfect sense and I'm sure you will in the future, just talk to him, I'm sure it will workout.

Tallie11 · 14/02/2007 12:55

Hi there,

I didn't meet my dp's children (at the time aged 8 and 10) for a whole year, and had to ''move out'' every weekend. As I was totally besotted with him, I didn't really mind.
In the end his ex wife said, that he should allow me to meet the children, otherwise he'd lose me !!
Anyway 4 years later we are expecting a baby and his lovely children come over at the weekends.
I think it is time you met his children, after all it's important for them to get to know you.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 14/02/2007 12:59

I?m going to be blunt here but it sounds to me as if he has the best of both worlds and seems happy to keep it that way. He has you when he wants you and he has his boys on access visits and that seems the most convenient for him. By saying that they?re still getting over the break up he?s got a convenient excuce for not allowing you into their lives. He has his family and I?m afraid to say that at the moment you?re not a part of it.

You need to have a serious discussion about the future, and how he sees it. The reality is that the longer he keeps you a secret from his children, the worse it actually will be for them. Or is he going to lie about that too when he finally introduces them and say that you?ve not been a part of his life for as long as you have?

And what of your future together? Do you plan to have children of your own? In which case will he keep those from his boys as well?

You say he?s very understanding, but tbh it sounds as if you are the understanding one and he is just saying what you want to hear re understanding how it is for you. If he understood he would be taking active steps to do something about it.

Original poster

juicychops · 14/02/2007 13:02

Right im definately going to do this letter tonight.

I feel like i know everything about his kids as he talks about them loads. and his mum and dad talk to me about them loads. and ive seen them many times from a distance.

i don't want him to feel like im pressuring him though so il have to be careful how i word it. but i wont beat around the bush

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wheresthehamster · 14/02/2007 14:00

If I was 13 I would be more upset that my parents were keeping secrets and lying to me.

ohsmellyjelly · 14/02/2007 14:11

Message withdrawn

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