Hi - long time lurker and I really hope someone with a similar experience can help me. Sorry this is so long.
A bit of background. For many years now I have been unhappy in my 20 year marriage. My DH is basically a good man but very controlling. He is a classic Mr Right from Lundy Bancroft's book and Mr Power from "Too Good to Leave, too bad to stay". For example, opens my mail, rushes to pick up my mobile and refuses to hand it over until he has read the latest messages, our email accounts were all linked so nothing was private there (although I could read his too), continually makes digs about my weight as I have been 2.5 stone overweight for years, my cooking is never up to scratch, he puts me down a lot and tells me I am stupid. He is constantly moaning about life in general and me in particular.
There is anger bubbling under the surface all the time which flares up during the day over trivial things, and he totally overreacts to every unimportant little thing, eg someone spilling something or breaking a cup. He makes a problem where there isn't one. He also belittles people and can be quite a bully. His brothers always talk about their unhappy childhood with their very strict father and their unemotional, cold mother. He doesn't seem to remember any of this, although his mother said he got the worst of his father's beatings as he was the eldest.
I have dreamed of leaving him for years when he is being nasty, but then things settle down, but never lasts. I have tried to discuss things in the past (about 15 years ago when we were going through a bad patch) and he got quite threatening, so that's why I didn't discuss things before I left, as he refuses to. He won't even discuss going on anti depressants (either ignores me or snaps 'No') as I believe they have helped him in the past.
He does have a lot of good points, really good with the grandchildren, plays with them and takes them for walks and to the park etc. Always willing to give anyone a lift or help anyone with anything. He says he likes helping people. He has been a hard worker over the years and worked long hours, but he loved his job. He is now retired.
There have been many many instances of his nastiness over the years - so uncaring, unaffectionate, rude, hurtful, and the final straw was his lack of emotional support when my mother died a few weeks ago. Not even a hug or commiseration on her death when he returned home. He was really unpleasant and was saying things like he might not come to the funeral, or not come in the funeral car with the family, as he had fallen out with my father on holiday. This was the final push for me to go. With all the sadness it was extra stress I didn't need. In actual fact he did come to the funeral and after that things did Improve for a couple of weeks, but everything for my move had already been set in motion by then.
I am 59 now with limited mobility and so leaving was a huge decision. I found a little house to rent and gradually moved smaller stuff in, and then on a day when he was out, a few weeks ago, I hired a removal company to move a bed and sofa. My family all helped me settle in and after a week everything looked great.
The moving day was very traumatic, my stomach was churning and I had a lump in my throat that wouldn't go away. My husband rang when he got home that evening, but unfortunately before he had read the email I had sent him. We had a long conversation and he was reasonably calm, but got angry towards the end and hung up. After the initial euphoria wore off, I started to doubt my decision.
A week later I was toying with the idea of going round to the house to talk to him and discuss the reasons for leaving more fully, but then I had a voicemail from MIL's carer saying was everything OK as she couldn't get in touch with DH. That got me worried, as in spite of all the nastiness I wouldn't want anything to happen to him. So I went round and he let me in. We started talking and he was absolutely distraught. I've never seen anyone so upset. Said his head felt as though it was going to explode and he couldn't stay in the house alone. He had joined about five social groups and had been out on three meet ups in that first week.
We talked all afternoon and he really wanted me to come back and promised to try and control his anger. He said I don't show him any affection, which is true, because he is always angry with me. We don't touch or kiss or cuddle at all and haven't for years. If, after a month, I didn't think he had changed in that respect then he would go to counselling or we would both go. I found during that talk that I did want to come back and try again, but I think my decision was partly influenced by seeing him so upset and by guilt at the way I sneaked away. I also missed my lovely comfortable home that we have built up over the years. Anyway I've been back a week now and things have been OK, but obviously he is on his best behaviour and I am trying to be more affectionate. I did used to be really affectionate to him, but gradually stopped after all the hurtful things he did and said.
So my problem is have I made the right decision to come back. I've signed a six month tenancy for the new house, taken on a broadband contract, arranged utilities etc. and spent quite a bit of money on furniture, and all my family have spent time helping me get settled. They didn't think it was a good idea to go back to him so quickly as they know what he is like. He is their DSF not DF. During the week I've been back home there have been several digs about the money I have wasted, and how it would have paid for two holidays. He has stood back and let me pay for two food shops and a meal out, and I've seen him bite words back a couple of times. Also during the initial talk my weight was mentioned again. My weight is a big thing for him.
I feel so torn. My life will be easier financially if I come back, but it wasn't just the anger, there were so many other things that wore me down. I couldn't face another twenty years of the life I was living, the feeling of being on edge in case he insulted someone (which he would call just joking) and the damage to my self esteem.
I welcome your advice and thoughts on what a disaster I have made of things. Has anyone had a partner like this who changed. According to the self help books a 'Mr Power' does not usually change. My rented house is still waiting for me if I want to go back.