Long dark tea-time of the soul....

[Rue]

I am a regular.

Ok, so we were supposed to go out for a lovely meal last night (dh was going to book somehwere) kids at grandmas etc.

On way home from work i dive into shops to buy lovely ingredients for a special meal tonight.

I come home, get all dressed up, even nice undies .
we go out for pre-dinner drinkies. Then, it all goes weird. Every conversation I start turns into a nasty, sneery, bitter little tirade. This beautiful, strong, gentle giant I married 12 years ago has morphed into a bitter, demotivated, angry stranger who is so eaten up by envy that it touches every part of his life.
I should say, we are not wealthy. But we have no debts save a (by today's standards) modest mortgage. We have 2 lovely boys, he is a partner in a ok-business, we are healthy, we have 2 vehicles etc etc.

But last night, out of nowhere came this side I had no idea was there. Needless to say, we didn't have our meal, I felt sick to the stomach. Came home, he railed and ranted, and drank too much. I cried and cried in shock and fear. I thought he was having some kind of breakdown.

This morning he was all regretful apologies and hugs.

No valentines for me though.

Yesterday morning i felt as OK as could be. You know, just content. Happy with my lot.
He's not content, he's a very unhappy man. None of this that we have is enough for him, and I don't know how to make him feel better. I feel he blames me and the kids somehow in his disappointment at his life. (he is 42)

I can't stop crying. I'm at work. I've never felt so lonely.

Oh dear, what a horrible evening. So very sorry. Has he been behaving oddly recently - or did this come out of the blue?

i'm sorry you had such a horrible evening.

do you think this is just a one-off bad time or a roblem that needs more work?

i hope you have a better day today

well, I know he is a bit lonely ATM, as some close friends have moved away etc as things go, and he's not the sort of bloke to join a sports club or seomthing. (bit geeky). See that's another issue, I have been neglecting my friends so as not to make him feel bad by having a 'visible' social life, as he no longer has any drinking buddies. And we don't have many babysitting opportunities. So this meal out last night was a big deal to us. And it all went very tits up.

But yes, all this came out of the blue. Thinking back, (hindsight and all that) he's been a little irritable etc I put that down to stopping smoking. Obviously I'm way off the mark)

What a horrible evening for you.

Could it be a midlife crisis? What was he ranting about?

oh what a miserable thing to happen... and what a shock. you'll just have to try and keep talking and sympathising, but fingers crossed he'll have got it out of his system. sometimes dh has a bit of a rant about his career etc and how he's not really where he thought he'd be and it just takes him a day or two to realise that we're very lucky. (i think of it as a wee momentary mid-life crisis).
i hope it's not more serious. and good thread title btw. try to take things (dirk) gently... [win]

Poor you Rue.

FWIW I think he was just having a very bad day. Sometimes we go on a downer and it's difficult to lift ourselves out of that - everything looks black and the harder you try to see something good, the worse it all looks.

He was apologetic this morning - so if this isn't a regular occurence, maybe you should just try to give him a soft shoulder to "cry on" and see if that helps him deal with his occasional dark day?

I thought mid-life crisis. I said to him this morning ''if it's a midlife crisis, could you just not go out and buy some unsuitable shirts?''

MLC - we all talk about them, but what do I do to help him and stop me just thinking ''stuff this for a game of soldiers''?

MLC - midlife crisis.

Got to go pull myself togehter and , y'know do some work {watery grin}
Thanks for sympahty, just needed to cry on some shoulders x

Awww honey, no real practical advice, just a huge hug.

x x x x x

sad lunchtime bump. Thought he might have texted me or rung at work or something but no....

I had something similar last night. Dh in very good spirits until ds work up as we were going to bed and screamed inconsolably for about half an hour. Then as I get into bed, dh says something about how he's fed up with being undermined all the time. I asked what he meant, thinking he was referring to our parenting, and he said he was fed up with his Chinese clients!! Don't know where it came from...

Not usual behaviour for him, but I do think men bottle stuff up until it eventually has to come out. In my dh, and quite possibly yours, they bottle it up in a misguided belief that they have to protect their dw from the stresses that they're operating under. We had something similar when dh's financial problems surfaced at the end of last year.

All I can suggest is that you take the initiative and give him lashings of sympathy and tlc... I know that is difficult to do, but the chances are he needs it at the moment... Good luck!

thanks , I know the blokey fear of communication thing is part of it.

But I'm so scared that he can let this stuff bubble up and push it down etc etc until this happens.
I'm so scared that if he feels this dissatisfied with his life that he will become seriously depressed - and given that he will not Talk About Stuff, this could be really dangerous.

I'm also scared because I work, and raise kids, and remember people's birthdays, and remember to pay the bills, and make sure we don't run out of loo roll, and cook and clean - I'm not sure I'm strong enough to hold him up if he's falling. Does that aound awful?

Nope - I am also with you there... Run the household (admittedly with help from an au pair), work and generally do our household administration... It's hard work, isn't it?? If you need to support him and want to, you will find a way, even if it means letting other things slide for a bit...

Perhaps he feels the same way, that as you have responsibility for everything already, he can't burden you with any more... You won't know unless you talk to him and, ime, there is nothing worse than the two of you both feeling miserable, lonely and isolated because you aren't speaking. I almost always end up taking the initiative with dh after an argument because I can't bear the idea of us both being so miserable...

have spoken to him briefly, he says he feels better today (the boil has been lanced, as it were. ) I'm glad he's feeling better, but I feel very drained and anxious this is going to happen again soon.

He gave me a card which made me cry, saying I was everything to him.

With my dh, I wait until things are back on an even keel and then if I have any continuing concerns, I raise them. That usually enables us to have a reasonable, rational discussion, rather than a heated emotive one. If you're worried and think it will reoccur, it sounds like you will need to sort this out at some point. I find that if I tell my dh that I want a chat with him at some point and when would be a good time, he reacts much more positively than if I just launch into a DMC...

Sorry - should also have said that I'm pleased to hear he is sorry and that you are talking again!!

thank you all for your time today - i appreciate it so much. I can't recall the last time I felt so upset and tearful.

Mumpbump especially - When I 'see' you next on MN with my 'real' name, I will say hello (don't think I've come accross you much before)

And I rarely 'share' this sort of stuff on here, I'm more here for larks and offering crap advice to others

you may say hello to me also, should you so desire...
am glad that things are sounding better... he does sound like my dh, needing to vent but not really realising that things said cannot be unsaid. my advice is to let things settle, have another good, warm chat about it when you're relaxed, and then develop amnesia about it. because i'll bet it all wasn't really as catastrophic as it sounded last night, if he's anything like my dh i bet he was just on an 'and another thing' roll.

sure you're right Aitch. now all I have to do is get rid of the trauma hangover,(iykwim,) find a very speedy way to get eyes back to normal after marathon sob-fest and summon up enough fresh, emotional energy to feel sexy...to keep his mind out of the dark place

i believe that the new MN sexy includes a burlesque strip in a public place... or would that send him screaming to the dark place?

Hiya, just reading this, sounds horrid for both of you. Did you manage to talk last night? You need to ask him what he wants and what he thinks would make life better. Then tell him your version and work out a compromise. And summer will be here soon, maybe you could use it as a target together to try and have a really great family summer .