Walking away from getting married

[LostandConfused5]

I have got myself into rather a mess. Been with OH for 6 years, we are engaged with wedding planned for next year. But now I am starting to question everything.

I sometimes work away from home and while on a trip I started talking to a colleague, we found we had a lot in common. a few weeks later the work trip was over an we were all travelling back, and we were drunk and me and said colleague did things we shouldn't have. He has a wife and kids.
We then went on a second work trip away and spent every night together, and have fallen in love.
Even during the work trip I told him that we would never be together, as he has kids and I couldn't do that to his family. He says he has an OK marriage, and I thought (I think now I was papering over cracks in my head) that I had a fine relationship.

Since coming back from the second trip when we said at the end of trip it was over between us our feelings have not changed. and now I just don't know what to do anymore.

part of me says I need to answer 2 questions in a clear order

1. do I want to be with my fiancé and marry him?
2. if the above is no, do I want to be with the other guy.

my heart knows what it wants, it wants the other man. my head is struggling.
I can't seem to answer the questions in the right order.

right now I want to say to the other guy that I want to be with him, then I would break up with fiancé and take the risk that me and other man doesn't work out.
but if I say to the other man that I want to do it and he says no, I don't know if I would break up with fiancé.

that is where I get confused.

my relationship with my fiancé is "ok" but not perfect, he really struggles to communicate, getting to know his feelings is like getting blood out of a stone. and the other big thing is that we have very different attitudes to life, I am a "go get" person, he is a "if it happens, it happens" person and I am scared that this is just too different to be together for ever, which is what decision I feel I have to take if we get married (no one walks into a marriage thinking it might not work-surely?)

so now everything is spinning in my head. I have told fiancé that I am freaking out about the wedding and that I am scared that we wont work out, and have told him about my thoughts on communication and attitude to life, and he says he wants to be with me, and wants me to think that he is the one for me again.

I am now on a work trip again, other man is not here, and I just don't know what to do, or think anymore.

help!

Of course you shouldn't get married. I think you're absolutely disgusting and should leave your fiancé to find a nice women. You definitely won't be the first OW other mans had and won't be the last. You've got a lot in common with other man because you're both selfish

Wow forgettheworld is everything in your life so black and white? Emotions are part of being human and either making a mistake or not is too. All we can do is try to not hurt people and forgive people. Whos to say her fiancé wouldn't love her warts and all?

Lost- please believe me, you really are stronger than you think. It just affects so much of your life that a decision takes time and the process is done gradually.
You now recognise that you shouldn't marry him. So now you have to figure out what your next steps will be.

Please get that help, it really will make your decision making easier. I know how difficult it feels to be in your position. It seems daunting. But you really can find a good life for yourself! You have one life, please be true to yourself in it.

OP, of course you should not marry your fiance - if you were able to behave like this towards him then you don't love him. Also keep away from the other man, he has a wife and children, you are already a family-breaker.

As for moving to another country to be with your fiance: you of course realise that people move to other countries alone, too, to live there (alone); they learn the language, get a job, create a new life and they don't need a fiance to do this.

You don't need a man in your life, and certainly not one of these two. I know it's hard, but cancelling the wedding is the right thing to do, as is keeping away from this married pig.

You have three options, not two. And the third is what I would recommend - don't be in a relationship with either of them. Be single and work out how to be yourself and not defined by either man.

If you do choose your fiance OP you need to tell him who you are, what's happened, and allow him the opportunity to "choose" you too. He may not want to, but you cannot and you should not impose a marriage on someone purely based on what's best for you without putting all your cards on the table.

Plus I promise you it will not make you happy.

If you can't tell him, leave him. Then go wherever you need to go from there.

Everyone, thank you for your responses. To those who think I am a terrible person, well, I think that myself too.
I came to this site to get some perspective and advice and so thank you for that, I wanted to hear all the different points of view, even the ones which hurt.
As for what I do next, and what OM does next, these are two separate things. I have to decide whether to finish with BF/tell BF and see what happens or do nothing and carry on. OM has to do the same.

Seriously, stop even thinking about the OM and what he may or may not do.
You should NOT be basing your choice and behaviour around his - you've already pointed out they're 2 separate things, but do you really KNOW that?

What you should do is tell your fiancé what has happened - maybe give HIM the choice as to whether or not he wants to stay with YOU - and if he forgives you (unlikely but it happens) THEN decide whether or not you can go ahead with this.
Or if you can't face up to admitting the infidelity, then just split with your fiancé.

Anything else just worsens the situation you have already created and reduces your self-respect further, IMO.

Just forget the OM. What he chooses to do to his family should be done out of his own choices, not based on what you do either.

Don't get married op , your marriage would be based on lies from the start !
Am not judging you for getting cold feet by the way 6 years is about the longest Iv ever been with anyone . I don't think there always has to be some major problem or event just that relationships can become boring etc

With regards to the other man though you need to end that too to many people will get hurt and it's really lust not love that you are feeling . Plus the man is a proven cheater and liar why would you want him anyway ???