How do you get a partner to pull their weight in the house?

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

Just that really.

With my exH, he was a lazy fucker who didn't work and did nothing around the house, so I did everything. I felt like a slave. I promised myself that I wouldn't let myself end up in the same situation again.

Except I am basically in the same situation again, except DP is absolutely not a lazy fucker, in fact he works very hard in a manual job, 6 days a week.

This is where I'm struggling because in a way I find it only fair that I do more in the house than he does because he works a lot more hours than me, but at the same time I'm becoming increasingly annoyed with the fact that he does literally nothing. I'm at uni 2 days a week but at the moment I'm working all the hours I can to make extra money and still have uni work to do in the evening and I'm exhausted. I know DP works more hours than me but our commutes are almost exactly the same (if anything mine is slightly longer) and if you add up the hours that I do in uni, work, and home study its probably not that different from what he does except that I don't get paid for all the hours I do.

We don't have and will not be having children so that isn't an issue but I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.

Trouble is, I have no idea how to fairly divide the housework and stuff because, in all honesty, its always been me who has done it all. How do you do it (without breaking up)?

Oh, and if I can't be bothered cooking (and we don't have much fresh food in) I usually suggest beans / scrambled eggs / cheese on toast / fish finger sandwich. Even my DH who can't cook can at least manage those! Or sit back with a glsss of wine and phone a friend / go to the library to study whilst he's forced to cook something / go hungry occasionally - don't just let him assume you'll have dinner on the table every eve and you'll be there to serve it for him!

When I met DH, I'd had a cleaner for years. He was perfectly honest that he'd not do housework. Cleaner's hours increased for his shirts.

I manage the home and children. I now also work full time. He works as a workaholic works.

I have never had a problem with the status quo because he has always treated me as his equal. Because he has worked 60/80 hour weeks I've never felt put upon.

I will never understand how so many women get into this situation. The second they start not doing their fair share of lifework, I was off like a shot. When the tenancy was over I was gone. Who did all the lifework when he was single? Just stop doing all the stuff except for yourself. 'Look, it's not my job to do everything because I'm a woman.' Don't cook for him, do his laundry or do all the cleaning. When the tenancy is over, move out.

Love is respect, and someone who thinks it's their partner's job to do all the lifework is fundamentally disrespecting them. Similarly, slobs, you're dating and you to go their place and it's a total tip - how can someone respect you when they don't respect themselves and their stuff? It shows they're not adult enough for me. How do you find someone who lives like an animal attractive?

'he really doesn't see what needs doing which frustrates me, and if I push him he just suggests to get cleaner to come more often, which isn't helpful with stuff that needs to be done daily like stacking dishwasher / moving plates and cups to sink / not dumping clothes on floor. '

Yes, he does. He just thinks it's your job to do it so he doesn't bother himself to.

Tell him!

There's no point in feeling resentful and martyred about it. Sit down and have an honest conversation about how you feel and agree a proportionate split of household chores. If he's unwilling to do it then you have your answer about what kind of man he is.

You can't 'make him'. You can only sit down and talk to him and explain how you feel. Tot up the hours away from home for both of you (+ your study time) to show him that you're both available to do housework for the same amount of time per week. Either he'll understand and agree to a better distribution of labour or he'll come up with 1000 reasons why you should be doing it all.

If you've already tried talking and he won't listen, then there's nothing you can do. You can go 'on strike' and stop doing for him and that may work temporarily, but eventually he'll start making excuses or putting off tasks until you do them out of frustration.