Husband putting on pressure to mix families over Christmas - am I being selfish and unreasonable?

[jimthecat]

I have posted about this before under another username, so this may sound familiar.

To give some background which I think is important, my relationship with my parents in law has been quite difficult. We didn't really see much of each other for a long time and I never really felt included in their family. This changed when I was pregnant and pil, mil especially wanted to be very much involved. However, my pregnancy coincided with my mother's sudden death. My mil's sudden invasion into my life was very hard to manage and this caused a lot of tension between my husband and me.

Fast forward three years and things are decidedly easier. I have been in therapy and have made real efforts to improve the relationship with pil. We do get on a lot better now and I can even enjoy spending time with them.

However, one thing that is still hard for me it watching their relationship with my child develop. It's not their fault, but seeing the close grandparent and grandchild bond they have with my child makes me feel down. I am quite close to my dad but he's not a hands on grandparent. Watching pil with my DD makes miss my mum even more because I know she would have been really helpful and would have loved spending time with her dgc.

Now Christmas is coming up and as last year we didn't see my family at all (but spent a week with pil), I invited my dad to our place for Christmas. He is coming until the 26th and then DD, DH and I go to join my pil in a cottage until the 31st. Dh booked the cottage. Pil will have DH's two siblings with them for the 24th - 25th. I thought the plan was good but now DH has started to put pressure on for us and my dad to go to spend the 24th and 25th with pil.

I am uncomfortable with this plan as although I am much happier spending time with pil than before, having everyone together will just make my mum's absence and my dad's distance glaringly obvious. Mil is pretty possessive over her time with our dd and I don't really get a look in. This can be helpful and gives me a break, but for a whole week's holiday, I know I will end up feeling pushed out and down. I told DH I would find it hard but he is adamant it will be fine and that our daughter will enjoy Christmas more if we are all together.

Dh keeps asking about it and telling me he wants us to spend the whole week with his family. I've said no as for the reasons above, I prefer not to mix our families over Christmas. But the more he asks me I am starting to wonder if I am just being selfish? I am doubting my judgement.

Sorry it's long.

Keep sticking to your guns and tell him that there's no more trying to strike a deal on this.

It sounds like he's very close to his family, which is great. We (DH and kids), spend Christmas with my family. ... at least for the last 8 years or so.

The reason being, we all have a better time with them and my DC prefer to see their cousins. My DH is very easy going and if he insisted he wanted Christmas with his family, I can't say I'd be thrilled, because unless all his siblings were involved, it would be boring just going to the PILS.

The difference is that you want to spend Christmas with your dad.

I don't think my DH really has a yearning to do that and risk the kids blaming him for a rubbish Christmas day.

My DC are older though, so they can tell him what they want.

Don't be railroaded over this.

I think I'd just have to say 'look, I have explained how I feel about it. Me, dad and dd going to PIL earlier than we discussed and agreed is not up for discussion. If YOU want to spend every Christmas with your parents then that is up to you but I need DD and I to have some time just with dad this year. We will join them as already planned.'

Then I'd have a hard think about whether is was prepared to spend the rest of my life with someone so selfish and uncompromising.

The thing is, he isn't even close to his family. His parents annoy him. And he sees his brothers twice a year at most.

This is all about what he thinks Pil prefer. Yes, it might be more fun for DD to have Christmas with 7 adults making a fuss of her than 3 which is what it will be. But, I don't think mixing the families works and the other option is leaving my dad on his own, which is what happened last year. He doesn't make a song and dance about Christmas like Pil do, but he still likes celebrating and being with us.

There are also quite big cultural differences and I would like my DD to experience 'English' Christmas traditions as she doesn't get much other English influence over the year.

I told DH the bargaining wasn't on and in any case I couldn't visit family earlier in December. He told me I should stop trying to get my own way and as that he gets less holiday than me we should spend it at the cottage as it will be nicer than being at our house.

Sorry, rambling now. Will stand my ground. My needs matter too!

'Well DH you are welcome to spend your holiday how you would like, just as I am welcome to spend mine how I would like. However, I will not allow you to alienate DD from my family in preference to yours. Me, dad and dd will spend Christmas together as planned. You can sort out what you would like to do with your parents and let me know'

He told me I should stop trying to get my own way

Hello hypocrite!

Stick to your plans op, your 'd'h needs to stop trying to bully you.

Although I don't think your reaction to your MIL'a close relationship with your DD is entirely reasonable, I do think you are reasonable to want to spend some time over Christmas with your dad this year, absent your in-laws. You have already compromised and you are going to spend 5 days with them. Stick to your guns.

please stick to your plans and don't get bulldozed, your rationale is fine your DH is being quite greedy!

Also you seem to just accept that you will get pushed out whilst you are with your PILs. Please don't allow this to happen. Everyone needs to respect that you will want to have time with your DD too over Christmas and make your own memories with her. Once a pattern of behaviour is established it is hard to break. I remember having a similar conversation with my ILs about not being the general dogsbody left with the buggy/coats etc while they fussed around the DC when we went on days out and that I fully expected to enjoy my own DC on these occasions as well.

trifle what you call a reaction isn't really a reaction. I internalise my feelings but they are still my feelings. My mil gets a good amount of quality time with her DGC. I would never stop their relationship from happening. But I can't help but feel internally jealous and sad when I watch my mil spend time with DD.

Thank you brass - appreciate these comments. We are very much in the dynamic you describe. I do find it easier to melt into the background as when I tried to be more involved when pil are around, I was told to back off (by DH). But holidays are my holidays too and you are right about creating my own memories.

I don't mean how you react to her face, I mean how you react emotionally. It sounds like she loves and has a great relationship with your DD and it is sad that that makes you sad and so resentful. In all honesty, I would be surprised if this didn't come across to her as well.

your DH doesn't sound very supportive here. Telling you to back off?!

That is true trifle and I am happy they have a good relationship. But I get pangs of sadness as my family set up is so far removed. I think that's normal and tbh my pil have been pretty insensitive in the past to my situation so I am quite proud of myself that I have made so much progress with regards to my relationship with them.

Yes DH can be rather unsupportive. It stems back to when DD was first born and I admit we had a lot of issues regarding pil. But these, on my part, have been resolved and he still seems intent to bring them up...

If my DH had told me to back off, l'd have done exactly that and backed off, taking my DD with me.

Well, you're reasonable to say no to this. Your DH is being a dick, sounds like.

My children have never had a Christmas with my family (distance), but that doesn't mean that we spend every year with MIL either. We've had a year on our own, been to MILs, had MIL here and last year we wet to FIL which really put her nose out of joint. She made noises about how we can all be civil etc (been divorced 30 odd years) but it would have changed the dynamics so we didn't give in to that as we've never had a Christmas with FIL.

I think that you have gone out of your way to compromise seeing as they had you for a week at Christmas last year and you are seeing them for an extended period straight after. I would give him the option of going to see mummy dearest on his own and you and DD going to the cottage after or him getting on with the original plans with a smile on his face.

I am reading that yr DH comes from a different (& probably more 'lived') culture - is there a way you can blend Xmas traditions going forward so it doesn't have to be all one or the other?

There are always going to be more of them - you haven't mentioned you having siblings? Myself & DS are in this situation re his GFs family & my DPs family - its just how it is. I wonder if there is a way to change the way you view/feel about it?

ocelot, I feel we do have a blended Christmas. We see my Dad from 21st until 26th. Then we see Pil from 26th until the 31st.
There will always be more of them yes. But it was like that for me too when I was growing up (mum had no family and dad has quite a big one) so we tended to do our own thing at Christmas which I also think is nice.

There is no way DH would go to pil without DD, they don't have much desire to spend time with him on his own; this is all about their DGC.

I was beginning to doubt myself as DH can be pretty convincing when wants something to go his way. thanks for helping me to see clearly!

It all sounds very dysfunctional. Particularly as your DH doesn't even get on with his family.

It has to be a resounding "No" and please stop talking about it.

He's like a dog with a bone isn't he.

Hi OP - I meant blended in terms of doing some of the traditional stuff from each family whether you are all together or with one side of the family or other at xmas. But maybe that's not an issue anyway :)

Tell DH to stop being a bully. YANBU and he needs to start listening to what you're saying. The arrangements for Christmas have been made and that's it. No changing them!

Yes Sandy you are right.
Sorry ocelot, yes that's an idea.

It's a shame as I was getting excited about it; thinking we will have fun with Pil in a nice cottage and I get my family time first.

Will ignore and if DH raises again tell him no, we are sticking to the original plan...

I'd tell him that one more mention and I'd be staying firmly at home for the full holidays, I'd made my mind up and stop banging on about it.

I'd also stop being in the shadows when it comes to parenting when your MIL is there. You are still the mother, don't hang about hiding, step up and if she doesn't like it, then that's her issue to deal with.