The big freeze

[strawberryblondebint]

How do you end it when you have had an argument. Trivial bit with a deeper cause. Yet you are both stubborn bastards. I catastrophise (is that even a word) and imagine being a single parent and even dark thoughts creep in. Massive overreaction in my head. We are being pleasantly civil but he didn't hug me in bed last night. I made the effort on a car journey home to ask how his day was and he answered in a normal voice yet didn't ask me anything in return so we sat in silence. Now it's back to silence unless the kids are around. Dreading when they go to bed. I know one of us has to crack and be the bigger person but why is it always me. Feel so despondent. Always happens when I am under massive work pressure and it's the last thing I need. He knows that as well. Fucking cunting bawbag men. Help me please

Address the deeper cause so it stops coming up?

Yes man up and address it. Dig it up, deal with it. That sort of thing. Or if youve totally gone off him and genuinely do want to split with him then sit down as adults and tell him and make arrangements to move forward as parents.

The cause is I think to do with a career change. I'm currently training to do a new job. Husband was allegedly delighted. Totally supportive. Yet picks a fight in the middle of something really important to do with this and about something trivial. I left some clothes on the floor when I was halfway through some work in the computer. Took a break to get the child ready for bed. Called him through for his night night bit of the routine and had forgotten to pick them up and put them in the basket. The house is not obsessively nest or tidy. It's mostly cluttered with his stuff. So there mushs be a deeper cause. Fucked if I know what that is. However I have needs to work every night this week. This will be the issue. I want to punch his lights out for being a twat. I won't obviously do that.

I in no way want to split up. Normally things are excellent. But this timing is crap

Okay, so get it out of your system on here, then when you can do it calmly, sit down with him and say it's obvious he's not daft enough to be so upset about a bit of laundry, so what's really going on?

DP and I had explosive, vile rows ALL the time before DS. (Just how we were... Not unhealthy, not abusive ... We're just both pretty intense) .... Now we have (much less frequent) (much less vile) quiet rows in calm/ sing song nursery voices so as not to upset DS

Anyway - one of us always ends it by just saying "you know I love you." Or " I adore you. You know." and that's it - it's all .... Done. Because the most important thing is that we DO love each other (just two artists living on a boat can get a bit heated, so it's easy to forget that bit!)

He's not talking to you because you hadn't put some dirty washing in the wash basket? If I've not misinterpreted that, I would be making it very clear at this point that I couldn't give a shit whether he spoke to me it or not but the next words he DID speak better start with 'I'm sorry'

I think you need to confront it. That sort of person hates being called out on their behaviour.

Go in to him and say, "The way you're acting makes me think you're trying to sabotage my career. You say you're delighted I'm doing it, but just when things are really busy for me, you've picked a stupid argument and are giving me the silent treatment. It's really making me look at you in a different way and it's making me very unhappy."

Then leave the room - the ball's in his court then.

Tell him what you told us...................under pressure don't need this atmosphere between us. Can we grow up and move on.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding - but to me it sounds like you and your DP are generally happy ? and you're only catastrophising when you row? Which I think all couples do - and often over things that are totally unreasonable on one side or another (like laundry!!!)

As for timing it when you're busy with your work ... Bad timing CAN just be that ... Not an attempt at sabotage.

If it's a one off, and you want to be focused on work (rightly so) - just go and tell him you want to draw a line under it and move on... Don't waste any more energy it!

And if he's still being a twat after that .... Maybe then bring out the big guns the others suggest

I'd do what OohhThatsMe said. To the point, factual, then it's up to him.

A member of my family took on a very intense course of training for a new career. She was told (most course members were female) that many of them may encounter problems in their relationship due to the course. This turned out to be true, about a quarter/third of them had ended by the time they qualified. Lots of the husbands/partners couldn't cope with the changes in their partner. New found confidence, independence, moving away from the traditional role at home etc.

Oh I've misunderstood I thought you meant end it (relationship) not the argument. I would say "I'm not doing this with you. Stop being a moody arsehole and hug me".

Thanks guys. He eventually started acting normal and it's all been forgotten about I think. However if anything like that happens again I'm taking all the advice on board. And will rip him a new one.