Where do I start and how..? Need advice

[Rosetime]

I have been married for 11years and have three children (9, 4 & 3mnths). DP mother has interfered in our marriage from the get go. E.g She decides who we invite to our home to stay. I have not accepted this and this has caused problems in our marriage. DP does not see this as interfering and says she has a right to an opinion. There are other problems in the marriage besides this.. and i have tried to make it work. In trying to make it work, i have become oppressed. I can't make any decisions..not even naming our new baby. It's become so hard to have a voice in this marriage.

Now his mother is demanding how we raise our children and what names we call them. And if I don't do as she says, she starts threatening things. E.g 'if you don't do .... i would never set foot in this house again'. I spoke DP about this. He said that his mother would not be bullied into not standing up for herself when I insult her by rubbing my own ways of raising our children in her face. She is entitled to make remarks to me.
In the grand scheme of things, this is one of the milder incidences that we have experienced but I have had to ask myself, when is enough enough?

I apologise for the length of this. I thought to give some background so one can have a picture of the situation. DP is petty minded, can go out of his way to be vindinctive and lies to get his way.

I am lonely, psychologically & mentally exhausted. I want to leave but have so many fears namely - I worry I am doing the wrong thing by my kids. ..I am scared I wouldn't be able to afford rent and childcare. (I work a mixture of 7:30am - 5:30pm, 7:30am - 9:30pm and 8:30pm - 9:30am shifts . No nearby family. When I return to work, a monthly wage of 1,800 where a two bed flat costs 1,500), benefits calculator says I could be entitled to approx £9/week, I am also scared that the separation may not be amicable..
I feel stupid asking these... how do I go about leaving? Do I let him know I am leaving and discuss living arrangements for the kids? Or do I take the kids and go while he is at work? What do I do if he calls and wants to know where we are? Do I tell him? If yes, what do I do if he comes and asks me to give him the kids? Or let him visit with the kids?
How have you handled it - breaking the news to the children, the finances, the actual leaving - if you have been through similar? Many thanks for your patience reading through this. I would really appreciate your advice.

Just a message of support really.
You sound extremely strong rose. There may be tough times ahead but u have no doubt you will get through them and it will be well worth it.
All the best.

Almost 2 years from my last post and i have only now been able to really start putting an end to my marriage.

I lost the courage 2 years back. I am really sorry all you lovely Mners that gave their time to advice and support me, sorry.
I still kept my important documents and emergency money in a safe place. And i was saving here and there to have a cushion for the 1st couple of months should the marriage break up. But honestly, i mostly told myself 'it is not that bad' and i kept going.

DH has left the home following police involvement. He did not hit me but he was physical.
I am exhausted all the time. I feel numb physically and mentally.
Last week i went to CAB and also saw a solicitor. I can not remember a thing the solicitor said but an email of my consultation will be sent to me.

Social services are involved, he is not supporting with the bills since he left, he still comes around to see the children whenever he wants (no formal arrangements in place), i do not exist to him and one doesn't talk to non-existent people, lawyer fees are massive, children are unsettled, constantly needing reassurance (not surprising) and loads of TLC. Work is demanding and time consuming but my happy place right now.
I don't understand, when i get to work i become animated, alive and functioning. When i leave work by the time i get home, i am immobilised, parslyzed, all mental activity ceases, i can not act. I can not function.
All my energy goes into looking after the kids, meeting their needs, keeping them happy and ensuring this does not affect them mentally.

I frequently want to hide away and cry and sleep and continue to hide away. I want to be able to cry with someone, discuss what is going on with someone but people have their own lives, their own troubles. Last thing they need is a wet blanket hanging around.
I can't indulge my self pity.
I need help. Lots of it because i am finding i need a lot of handholding and advice (like a child). I am scared. What have i done?

I really just want to give you a handhold and some support. I know this must be a shit storm, but please hold to the knowledge that it is temporary. It WILL pass. It WILL get better. Your dc WILL recover and adapt. They WILL be fine and so will you. You have done the right thing. For you and your dc!

You need to get that powerful work personae and drag her home. Treat it like a work project if it makes you feel better. Make deadlines and spreadsheet. Give yourself an hour a day to 'work' on what needs to be done and timetable an hour for grieving, ice cream eating and crying. It's healing to let it out! Put on a sad film, cry over a bottle of wine, or a good asskicking action and imagine the villain is him!

Apply for child maintenance through cms immediately! He'll fight back but fuck that, he was never going to make this easy anyway.

Formalise access immediately. Email and give him times and dates acceptable. Tell him if he doesn't like it he can take you to court. Don't justify, don't discuss. As mn says NO is a compete sentence. Then disengage and grey rock. Again expect a kick back from him. But fuck him and fuck his temper tantrums. This is best for your children. Him turning up randomly is going to unsettle them further. They need a new structured normal.

Speak to the police dv unit and see if anything can be put in place to stop him turning up at your home. Tell them you are afraid, lay it on thick! If he is from a different country is there a chance he would take the children there? Would supervised access only be appropriate?
Again lay this on thick! Fight dirty. He has, and he will.

If I remember rightly that house is rented in both names? Contact the landlord and tell him about the police. Ask for him to be taken off the lease, and for you to change the locks. If the landlord won't agree then hand in notice and move. Beg, borrow or crowdfund to afford to do this.

I hope you have let work know what's happening and they are supporting you. If not, tell them. It's his fucking shame, not yours!

Also presume you have told the school. Again his shame, not yours. Might he turn up and collect the children without telling you?

Reach put to your family and friends: tell them EVERYTHING and ask for help. i would hate think a friend of mine was going through this shit and didn't feel they could reach out to me!! I don't care how much I have going on in my life, if my friend or family was going through this I would want to know and support them.

This will pass. Short term pain for long term gain. You can do this!

What you are doing is leaving an abusive mommy’s boy asshole who doesn’t know what being a man let alone a husband is. You were worn down and devalued and controlled and abused. You are still in pain but you are a strong woman and courageous! You are a loving woman and mother-I really encourage you to see if your employer offers employee assistance counseling-all my employers have and I have utilized it before. Stay strong soon you will have primary custody of the children and once they have to see their SOB father and his dragon mother for visits they will probably decline visitation as soon as they are allowed to-doubt your soon to be ex could get off his ass and actually parent without mommy dearest

I had to go and pick one DC from school because said DC just started crying on three separate occassions during lessons then started complaining of tummy ache and headache. On getting home, my DC went to bed and fell asleep right away. I also found out said DC vowed not to eat until their dad returned to our home!!
Said DC has been eating since that was said and has been eating very well.
DC has never had any issues with eating or food. Where did that idea come from?

Today has been an emotional day. I spent today in tears. A friend had looked at me kindly and asked how are you? I shocked her and myself by replying in huge sobs. And that was it... i couldn't stop. I am so worried about the future.

Would my kids be okay? Have i damaged them? Should i be getting a counsellor for DC?

I spoke to DD's school to see if they have provisions for counselling support.
DH has informed me he is going for 50:50 custody. Also he sees no reason to financially contribute to their upkeep for that reason.

I'm sorry to hear how tough things have been, Rose.

But you are on the way up, now.

Hopefully school will come up with a support plan.

It's ok to feel like you've been hit by a bulldozer! Give yourself time. Your DC needed to sleep, and so do you- you have been running on adrenaline for years, you need to recover now. Give yourselves lots of TLC. Don't be afraid to tell people- even if each person has only got a little bit of spare energy to support you, every little helps!

Love stretches to fill the need. You'll be ok.

Thank you @picklemepumpkin (great username btw).

I have started telling a few people. I find i am very tearful when i start telling me. I don't know why.
I don't feel sorry for myself, i don't miss him or want him back but i am hurting badly for my children. They are crushed and i feel like a bad mum.
One has practically said she was hoping we would have said sorry to each other and then gone back to normal. The thought of that had me go cold and i felt myself stiffening.

I can't go back. I miss the life i thought i would have..the life i have wanted. I have been alone and lonely for most of my marriage.
I miss loving someone and being loved back.

@Rosetime what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Leaving a long term relationship even one that was abusive is like a bereavement and you have to allow yourself to go through the stages. Even when you don't miss the person who was abusive, you mourn the loss of what you thought your relationship was going to be like (even when it wasn't like that at all).

Please don't worry about the DC's wanting things to go back to the way they were, again this is normal. Children thrive on routine and their old routine has gone. They will soon adapt to the new routine and in time they will thrive when they are no longer in an unhappy home witnessing their mother being treated appallingly (even if you think they didn't see what was going on they almost certainly did).

Practically speaking make sure you have done the things that will help you. If you haven't already done so apply for 25% discount on council tax, notify HMRC (or your payroll department about your chance of status) I'm not in the UK but we get an additional allowance for being resident parent), apply to CMS immediately for maintenance and if he doesn't pay voluntarily get them to enforce it). As PP said notify your landlord and have him removed from the tenancy so he has no right to return (unless police involvement means he has to stay away anyway). If money is a concern (which I'm sure it is) it would be worth checking to see if you are entitled to any assistance (you can ask for a check to see that you are claiming everything you are entitled to).

Finally, please speak to friends. Most people will be happy to help and certainly will understand that you will be upset and need to cry (don't feel embarrassed it's natural normal in the circumstances). 

@Rosetime and the 50/50 is a threat that most abusive men use but it's just that, a threat, they don't actually want to have 50% of the responsibilities and it's unlikely that he will step up to the extent necessary especially as you have young children who require a lot of attention (selfish abusive men are rarely good hands on fathers).

Good advice from Rose, there. Just what I was going to say!

We all have a role to play out- the children's is to wish you were a happy couple; his is to make you realise you can't manage without him.

Yours is to prove to your DCs that you are a happier healthier Mum without him, and to grow back into the person you would have been without his interference.

Once you know what everyone else is doing, it's easier to play your bit.