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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Life is just a complete shower of shit

44 replies

itsjustamess · 15/11/2016 21:45

This is probably going to be a long rambling post - sorry.

My husband & I separated approx 5 months ago - he moved in with his mother. I moved out of the family home about 2.5 months ago with one of my 2 dc's (one wanted to stay with his Dad as he felt STBXH had no-one). My ex moved into his own place about 6 weeks ago.
During the final few months of our marriage (married for 26 years) he probably threatened to commit suicide on a twice weekly basis, the police were called as he destroyed my personal property (on a Saturday morning in the road for all to see) & was verbally abusive to me (think the worst names possible) in front of our DC's.
The relief of moving to my own place was quickly soured when he would turn up at 6.30am on a Saturday morning to check if i was there.
We have been in a 'good' place for the past few weeks. I try to keep things on an even keel because he has turned so rapidly in the past. Just the other day it was one of my DC's birthday & I mentioned I was going out - he threw something across the kitchen and dragged my dc out of the house. Last week he was unhappy about something (says can't cope on his own) so packed my poor dc's stuff into black sacks & literally dumped him on my doorstep at 7.30 at night.
He phones me at least 10x a day saying he can't cope. Because one of my children is with him I just feel an obligation to help him ( & to keep his moods on an even keel).
So now I am basically running 2 separate households as well as working. Its only simple things like tv license, insurance or shopping but I feel like I'm in a catch 22. I know he will flip if I say no. He makes excuses to see me every day - I have asked him to stop but the vileness kicked in again.
I know every morning when I wake up there will be a text from him - saying how he can't sleep in an empty bed, no one will ever love me like he does. I just feel drained - i just want to get in the car and drive.
Background : I left him, completely my decision after years of controlling me - not allowed to leave the house, if I did he wouldn't speak to me for a week. leaving a 10 day holiday on Christmas Day because there wasn't enough trees in the resort (really), me asking in the wrong tone of voice if he wanted cream or ice-cream with his dessert - that got me over a week of silence so much so that friends had to intervene.
I just don't know how to handle him anyone.
I know this sounds like I am a doormat but I guess I am just scared of his reactions when I say no to anything - today he said he was giving up on life because something had gone wrong so I spent 45 mins sorting out HIS work - phoning HIS manager.

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 15/11/2016 22:27

Please, somehow, persuade your 15 year old to come & stay with you. Both for his own safety & to enable you to cut contact with this man.

This has been 26 years of your life. Yourself & your boys deserve so much more Flowers.

ihatethecold · 15/11/2016 22:28

My dad used to give my mum the silent treatment when we were growing up.

It was horrible to witness.
His moods ruled the house
Get your children away if you can op.

PortiaCastis · 15/11/2016 22:29

Have a read of this OP it may be of help

mobile.gingerbread.org.uk/info/FactsheetSection.aspx?FactsheetId=22&SectionId=118&slide=0

ILoveAutumnLeaves · 15/11/2016 22:34

I would bring the 15 year old home & get him some counselling so he UNDERSTANDS he is not responsible for his father.

Then get a non contact order, change your phone numbers & call the police everytime he turns up. Every. Single. Time.

Tell his mother what you will be doing & that if she wants to keep her grandchildren safe & her son out of prison she needs to work on him staying away from you all.

He's clearly disturbed, but he's buying your help now. You need to fix cuts on you & the boys.

Cricrichan · 15/11/2016 22:56

Oh my god op, he sounds deranged. Not someone I'd want near my children. I'd be scared of him hurting them or worse, to get at you.

I'd get some advice and see what you can do. Also get some counselling for your children.

lollylou2876 · 15/11/2016 22:56

My ex used to use the "I can't cope" to reel me in. They do this to continue to toxic cycle from which, you are trying to escape. Then he was ill etc, I read an article on baggage reclaim called 'it's not your problem' , it read like a tick list of everything he tried to get his way back in. I simply stopped engaging into it, by not responding as it was no longer my problem. Of course he called me a cold hearted bitch & the rest, I was seeing some else "cheating" even though we had been apart for 3 months.

Make arrangements for the kids and that's it & good luck 🌸

2kids2dogsnosense · 15/11/2016 22:58

My heart aches for you, OP. You are in an awful position.

Please, as others have suggested, try to persuade your DS to return and live with you and his brother again (if he isn't still with you after his dad dumped him). Perhaps you could explain:
a) that you love him and miss him and are very worried about him (his school work, and ultimately his physical and mental health will suffer if this situation continues)
b) let him know that his father is unwell but will never get better until he learns to cope with things himself - this will only happen if he is made to take responsibility forces own life. Tell him it will actually be easier for his father if he doesn't have your son to worry about.
c) cut your ex off completely

The third is very easy from to say, but I now how difficult it must be. You feel you have to help your ex because your child is there - but if you can get your DS back, then you can be firmer with your ex., but even if your DS stays with his dad, please try to sever all contact. Change your phone number, don't respond to any letters/e-mails; call the police each and every time he tries to contact you (and keep a log) of any attempts he makes.

Your son will probably blame you for lots of things and for causing his dad's problems (I'm sure your ex has done his best to poison your son against you), and he will be very distressed and you ex will work on this. Stand firm, though it will be tremendously difficult.

You must be exhausted - the effort it must have taken you to come so far after so many years of being entrapped in a controlling marriage, must have been Herculean. And the effort and stress hasn't stopped yet. It will get easier, but I imagine that there are days you just want to sit and cry with sheer tiredness and despair.

Just remember - you have done the hard bit - you have stepped away. At the moment your ex knows that if he makes enough fuss then you will give in and do all the tedious little jobs he can't be arsed with. It is his way of retaining control. He is a grown man. You are NOT responsible for anything he does, so don't take that responsibility on.

I think he is unlikely to make a serious attempt to take his own life, though he may make a show of doing so to frighten you and your DCs. Ignore anything along these lines - remember it is manipulation. See if you can persuade your boys not to have contact with him for a month or so. He is obviously very manipulative. You have enough to do getting your life back and making a life for your boys.

If he says he is giving up on life/ can't go on/ has had enough, tell him that's up to him. He can do what he likes as it is no longer your business. And whatever happens (probably nothing serious) just remember IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT WHAT HE DOES.

Know I must sound like a hard-faced cow, but without taking really firm action you will never be rid of this pathetic apology for a man. he is using your emotions to continue to control your life. Please, don't let him when you have come so far.

lollylou2876 · 15/11/2016 23:00

Apologies just to clarify - I wasn't seeing anyone else after months of stalking he would use any excuse to try and draw me/us back in.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2016 23:03

I thought you said you had separated from this complete tosser Confused

It seems you have taught your 15yo how to be a rescuer so well he is now jobsharing the role with you. This is unhealthy for everyone but mostly for your kids because they never had a choice whether to live like this

Look, you need to fully detach and find a way to have both sons with you most of the time

He won't harm himself ...these pricks never do unfortunately.

keepingonrunning · 15/11/2016 23:05

You have been really brave leaving. ]
I am sure you can see he is still controlling you and DCs with endless manufactured dramas and intimidation. You need to find your last ounce of resilience to act to keep this dreadful excuse for a man away from you and them.
I suggest you seek a non molestation order via the National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247, available 24 hrs. Discuss his constant harassment of you with the police. If it's non-emergency phone 101 and ask to speak with the domestic violence unit every time he contacts you. Phoning you ten times a day is harassment and there are laws to protect you.
I am shocked and extremely worried he dragged 15yo out of the house. This is assault and social services and the police will want to hear about it. You can't deal with all this on your own and you don't have to. Get every public body you can think of involved and badger them until you and DCs are protected. Tell your GP or practice nurse. Look at your council's website under 'domestic violence' for support because you are still experiencing it even though you have ended the relationship.
As others have said, don't respond. At all. He is perfectly capable of sorting his own life out. He is deliberately manipulating you and getting kicks from your frenetic efforts to pacify him. He loves the power and control he has had over your family.
Until now.
When your life has calmed down get yourself on your nearest Freedom Programme. None of this is your fault. You deserve a medal for surviving 26 years and counting of this frightening, intimidating nonsense.

Owllady · 15/11/2016 23:05

I agree that your 15yo most probably could and would benefit from some counselling
I totally get it though and unfortunately was in the same sort of scenario with my father or we both were, siblings. I'd be straightforward with your 15yo, get the 17 yo to talk to them hut say dad needs to look after himself and you need to be 15 and not worry about this crap. Then you'll have to not mention it IF he does come home, go to family therapy, just you and the children.

As an adult I could how EA (and physically, domestically, financially) even just a few years on into my 20s. It's very difficult though as I though my father was wonderful, could do no wrong and I did think it was my mu. It wasn't, it's quite clear now.

I'm sorry if this is unhelpful

Owllady · 15/11/2016 23:07

Sorry about all the typos, I hope it makes sense x

itsjustamess · 15/11/2016 23:10

Thank you so much much for all your replies.

Some made me smile & some made me cry.

I know what I need to do firstly for my children & secondly for myself (health suffering - I have what I call toxic tummy lost 2 stone since the summer - down to 7.5 stone ).

Tomorrow I start afresh .

I never took the threats as real jus exhausting - sitting up until 3 am whilst he ran a knife up & down is arm, chasing him in the woods at 4.30am while he had a rope & a friend forcibly opening his jaw so he could empty his mouth of pill was just mental, physically and emotionally draining.

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/11/2016 23:12

OP my sister left her husband (who was very much like yours) and allowed her daughter to chose to stay with her Dad. Their relationship now, seven years on is really not great. I suspect my niece stayed out of guilt and worry that he would do something stupid. But she ended up kind of taking over my sister's role as carer/whipping boy and is really resentful now.

I think you should do your utmost to get your boy back with you. Your ex needs to take responsibility for himself.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 15/11/2016 23:32

please understand I am afraid but I know I HAVE only one priority

Well done that you've mentioned this. Sometimes posters can get a little specific about this.

Am welling up at your posts in general. How exhausting for you!

I know it seems easy for us to say "disengage" and it so isn't when you're in the thick of it. But you know you have to.

I know, at this moment, it feels like once you do, you'll have all the hassle you have now and further, maybe even unimagined hassles. But you won't: or at least if you do, that phase will be really short-lived. Think of it as an investment in serenity.

I remember your previous fred. You've got such strength; just push through some more.

Best of luck.

ILoveAutumnLeaves · 15/11/2016 23:47

He's clearly disturbed, but he's buying your help now. You need to fix cuts on you & the boys

I have NO idea what the iPad did here?! It should have said '
He's clearly disturbed, but he's abusing your help now. You need to focus on you & the boys'

GiddyOnZackHunt · 16/11/2016 00:04

Surely your DS is all he has now in terms of trump cards to control you? If the younger ds wasn't bothered, would you be enmeshed still or blocking him?

I think your ds is probably physically safe but it sounds like xh is ramping up his behaviour to keep you as controlled as you were when you lived together.
Surely if you think ds is at risk and the police have him sussed you're best calling the police every time he goes off on one.

DistanceCall · 16/11/2016 00:41

Get your son back. If your ex threatens to commit suicide, tell him to go ahead. Then call the police if he turns on you. And get counselling for your and your children.

You really can't have any ties with this man. He will only damage you and your sons.

OnTheRise · 16/11/2016 08:21

Get your son safe, with you, then tell your husband you can't be involved with him anymore. Tell him ONCE that you're not going to respond to any more of his controlling messages or demands for attention, and then do exactly that: ignore, ignore, ignore.

If he says he has nothing to live for, or tells you he's going to kill himself, tell the police he's threatening to kill himself and tell him about the incidents you've described here (the knife, the rope, the pills--awful) then step back and let them sort him out. He needs help which you can't give him.

And remember how far you've come, and how well you're doing. Brilliant stuff.

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