I don't know if i can carry on in my marriage.

[user1479241710]

Hi,

Sorry if this goes on a bit.

I've been reading so much over the last few months about losing respect for your husband and ways to try and rebuild our relationship.

We have a 20 month old boy, he wasn't planed and i had an affair (don't worry wasn't his) we were getting marriage counselling and about 3 months in thats when i found out i was pregnant.
I know your thinking what a bitch cheating on her husband and yes i was. Honestly it was a cry for help, but that is not the way to go about it.

Being pregnant and going through counselling felt odd for us both, we were trying to rebuild our marraige and thought it wasn't ideal timing, but it is what it is and i've got a boy that i love more than anything in the world.

Our marriage and relationship has never been great and really i think we were to young when we got married (25) now 32.

He doesn't want to work and never has really worked, lives off his family's money and sits around all day on his laptop doing nothing.

He said when i was pregnant he's going to change and be a father his son could look up to but nothing has changed. And when i have in the past mentioned this to him of what he's said he then brings up the affair and i end up spending the whole day trying to make him happy again, or we just don't talk for the day so i just don't say anything any more because its tiring.

I work as much as i can, clean the house, cook, do the laundry and when i ask him to give me a hand he gets in a strop.
It's honestly like living with a teenager and has always been this way, before the affair so that's not what it is.

I have no respect for him, he's only helpful when he wants sex and honestly when he tries anything it makes my skin crawl and i always come up with a excuses why i can't have sex.

I know it sounds bad, he's a great guy, great friend, great father in so many ways but he's just lazy and has a massive chip on his shoulder. He never follows through with anything and it's tiring having the same arguments over and over again. Nothing ever changes so i've just given up even saying anything.

I take care of all our finances , pay all the bills (with both our money that we got from selling our old house). I honestly feel like the man and wife in this relationship.
I think i'm not right for him because he's obviously not motivated to help our family not only financially but emotionally to.

I honestly would leave today if it wasn't for our son and the fact our families are so close, it wouldn't only have repercussions on our son but both sides of our family and i would feel so guilty putting everyone through that.

I'm so lost and just wanted to put it out there and see what you thought, maybe what i can do, if anyones got the same problem had the same problem, anything really.

Thank you. x

Thank you all so much.

He does look after our son from time to time in he's not a nursery or the grandparents don't have him.

It's a bit of an eye opener when you feel it's not right and put it out there and get the responses you were scared to get.

He is lazy he is a bit of a looser but he's also the first person i call when something good happens or something bad. For his faults i guess he's my best friend because we can talk about most things....obviously not this.

I know what i need to do, i feel as thought i'm turing into a miserable person and i don't want that to effect my son.

What are you getting out of the relationship?

If he is genuinely your best friend, then he must realise how unhappy you are in your marriage. You can still be friends, just not husband and wife. Your little boy won't grow up thinking a dysfunctional relationship between his parents is the norm, he'll grow up secure in the knowledge his mum and dad love him, and each other, they just don't live in the same house and share the same bed.

Time to sit down and have that talk with your husband, I reckon. Good luck

Best to end it while your son won't know much different.

I don't want to act like you having an affair is nothing. I'm not sure how much your husband vocalises it, but an affair is not that easy to get over. A few months of counselling doesn't fix it or make it go away.

You married him when he didn't have a job, didn't it bother you then? We often expect people to change to be what we want them to be. If he wasn't working when you met him and married him, that should have told you that it's not that important to him.

Unless I was married to a millionaire, I wouldn't have any respect for a man who couldn't be bothered to work.

It's best for everyone to end it. Then you can both move on to more compatible partners.