Tips to improve sex life and generally add romance?

[SecretMagicThings]

Have been with DH for over 10 years. 2 DCs 6 and 3 and feel as if I am coming out of the 'fog' of young children a bit. I have felt much more interested in sex lately, probably as less tired and a bit of time to myself. I am sure our sex life could be better; I know he is up for more sex too.

We have fallen into the common trap of lots of bickering and not much affection and being very 'businesslike'. We have started having more sex but I often find it hard to ask for what I want and he is a bit rubbish at communicating too. I guess this ramble is about how to get a bit more passion?! Both in and out of the bedroom.

[SecretMagicThings]

So do people think it's better to just get down to it and prioritise sex then? Had wanted to improve romance too but somehow that seems harder with day to day organisation / bickering / sorting DC etc.

[TheNaze73]

If the sex is off the scale in a relationship, most men will be as romantic as you want them to be. Just go for it

[Aftershock15]

Would normally avoid threads like this!
Do you normally eat dinner with your children? How about just eating together after the children have gone to bed. At the table with no TV and no devices. Even put a candle on the table. You could do this tonight, prior to jumping him.
When ours where a similar age we had a regular midweek sitter - went cycling, bowling, the pub. Just did things together that made us laugh. Sitter came at 7 as ours were asleep by then.
It's coming up to December so you could make him a personalised advent calendar - little gifts of things like massage oil or notes with 'position of the day'
Mumsnet always used to recommend Monogamy game. About 10 years ago I took the advice but for various reasons ended up with 2 sets. Not really the thing I want to send to a jumble sale so the second unopened set has just sat hidden away. PM me and I'll send it to you!

[NotTheFordType]

Getting over your shyness is the key here. I know it seems really hard because as women we're often brought up to believe that sex is a chore, and then if we enjoy it then we're horrible slags. So asking for what you like becomes a big hurdle.

The only way over this is to just start stepping over. You will feel like a massive twat the first time you say "I'd like you to go down on me" or "Give me a really good hard fucking from behind, and pull my hair while you're at it" but the more you say it, the easier it will get.

[SecretMagicThings]

TheNaze .

Aftershock, good point about meals. We eat together and he often says he'd like it to be more 'quality time' but I admit I use it as a time to discuss diary clashes, nag him about jobs to do, and rush the meal as there is always stuff to organise, tidy etc . I am clearly completely unromantic! Thanks very much for offer but I am paranoid about being outed on here mainly as I have posted so explicitly about stuff so I'll pass. Love the advent calendar idea .

NotTheFord that is totally it! Feel like a complete twat. He asks what I want and I just mumble, he does the same when I ask him.

[noego]

Buying sexy undies, toys and having a dirty weekend away is only papering over the cracks. Try going Tantric. Discover each others bodies. Touch each other in every place possible and when it feels nice tell each other so. Keep away from genitals and orgasms. That should be the last thing on your mind. This is about finding out what turns you on so that when you do make love to each other you know what each other likes. Do it for a month or more before getting down to doing DTD. Take your time. Make the room as sexy as possible. Have candles, scents, massage oils, be intimate without DTD. Exploration and experimenting are the key words. Touch every part of each other and ask, is this nice? Is that nice? how does this feel? There are plenty of books on the subject. This is about seeing the divine in each other and when the physical happens it will be more intense.

[Lotsofponies]

I know exactly how you feel.

My suggestions are

Special adults only dinner
Have a have a massage session in front of the fire
Slip in the shower when he is in there (as in get in with him, not slip over, A&E isn't romantic)
Have a bath together, if you can't manage to get jiggle in the bath you will, probably have a laugh trying
Chocolate sauce (wink wink)
Have a read up on the 5 languages of love, it's quite interesting the different ways partners show or like receive love
Our children are 25, 7 and 4, the oldest has heard us DTD, most embarassing, both youngsters have walked in on us so we try to sneak off for quickies, we have even resorted to parking in a secluded location to get it on.

[slug]

A very simple one. Do this on a weekend when you don't, necessarily, need a good night sleep.

Swap sides of the bed one night.

Everything seems slightly different, fresh and unusual.

[SecretMagicThings]

Thanks guys, lots of ideas. noego I am too impatient for tantric I think!

[Aftershock15]

Haha - I see what you mean about being paranoid - but remember I'm the woman who bought two copies of the game, was too embarrassed to return one and have spent the last 10+ years working out how to get rid of it (as binning it seems wrong). So if you change your mind you can guarantee I'll be discreet

[leaveittothediva]

Yes, bite the bullet, so to speak, nice meal, favorite drinks, new lingerie, new bed linen, candles in bedroom. He will get the idea. The more you have, the more you want. I'd agree with morning sex aswell. Nice way to go off to work..... . Enjoy. (oh, and stop the bickering, kills the mood).

[noego]

SMT after a week of tantric you will know what each other likes and won't be able to keep your hands off each other

[SecretMagicThings]

Ok you have all convinced me, will attempt some romance tonight. Why on earth am I nervous?!

[crunched]

Well? Did the earth move?

[Happybunny19]

I''m also dying to know if your plan succeeded, do tell...

[Porkswordcallingdannyboy]

Vicariously living through you, OP.
Pulls up chair with a glass of wine and awaits sordid details.

[BlueFolly]

Recreational drugs?

[SecretMagicThings]

Sorry, have been at work. Thanks for the interest! Well we had a nice meal and talked, then I jumped him . It was... adequate . Sex good but not great if you see what I mean. No drugs involved except one small beer though!

[crunched]

"adequate" ?
I'm not feeling this is very positive Op

[SecretMagicThings]

Well, I'm probably being a bit harsh. It was nice. I guess I was hoping for mad, passionate, screaming orgasms but might need to work up to that.

[HelenJey]

Routine kills romantic. I think one of the great way to add more romance in relationship is to visit new places, to organaze romantic vacations. The best city for that is Paris, the city of love. My husband and I spent weekend in Paris last month. We wanted a change of scenery. We visited Musee du Louvre, The Palace of Versailles, enjoyed a glass of champagne at the top of the Eiffel Tower and watched the fabulous Le Bal du Moulin Rouge show. Also we tried smth very special on that weekend ( different types of erotic massages here www.sweettouch.fr/ ). It was incredible. This was a trip I'll never forget

[noego]

Go tantric.

[Joysmum]

DH and I took turns to concentrate on the doing, and the other the instructing.

Like many others, we got stuck in a rut of doing the same things in the same ways. We also weren't great at expressing ourselves.

By taking turns, we learnt how to communicate, how to watch for reactions, how to do the same things differently or in a different order and we knew each other better as a result.