I’ve nc’ed because if I were outed it would cause a lot of hurt and I really need some help. Perhaps there’s someone here who has been in my SIL’s position and can offer some insight. It’s affecting my marriage and every weekend feels fraught and stressful.
My SIL has had a tough life, difficult childhood trauma and heartbreaking infertility. I think it’s fair to say that she’s very depressed and has paranoid ideas about people being out to manipulate her and that her house is bugged. This has been going on for a couple of years now, and I don’t believe she’s getting any help for it. I feel she is angry and resentful of me - although she’s never said anything - that I’ve had life comparatively easy and have everything that she dreams of. I don’t believe she particularly likes me, doesn’t like me taking part in conversations, but she does make an effort to acknowledge me and she does spend time saying hello to my kids (her nephews). She doesn’t work and lives in another town. She travels back to our home town frequently to see her parents.
She can be lovely, and she is very close to my DH. When she and her DH visit her parents they like to visit us too, which is most weekends. For some of the time she behaves normally, chats about world affairs etc. but some of the time she talks about her difficulties and becomes very angry if challenged or asked questions that she doesn’t like. I keep quiet during these discussions because I know from past experience she doesn’t want to hear what I have to say. She sometimes starts shouting and occasionally swears which makes me upset because the kids are around and the atmosphere becomes very emotionally charged. If my DH suggests a solution she’ll say how hard she’s had it and how he couldn’t possibly know. I am always walking on eggshells. I’m no saint. I struggle to be around her and that probably shows. Without trying to judge her, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone so self-centred and self-pitying (she said, judging her…
). She’s not selfish, she just can’t see beyond her own sphere, and this has always been the case, even before the depression. I haven’t asked the kids what they think, but when I say their aunt is coming round they seem pleased and are happy to see her.
I have talked to my DH about how difficult I find being around her. He says I’m over reacting or too sensitive. He points out that my family don’t treat me very well either. He doesn’t seem to notice how emotional or upset people are getting. He wants to provide support for his DSis and I also feel she needs family support so I don’t feel comfortable saying she can’t come round. She needs help and we should be there when things are hard. I would be ashamed if we didn’t give her support, because I would want support if the situation were reversed.
I just can’t cope anymore. I want to help, but she doesn’t want me to. She resents any help I give her mum so I’m walking on eggshells there too. We are going round to hers for Christmas because she wants us to and I don't want to hurt her feelings, but she finds cooking for people stressful and her DH usually takes over when she gets overwhelmed. The last time we went there for Christmas she really struggled for the first few hours until she calmed down again, and that was before the depression got bad. It’s going to be so stressful and I don’t want that for my children who are all under 10. When I see that she’s starting to get upset sometimes I go and spend time with the children in another room. My DH doesn't think the kids notice anything.
What the hell do I do? I’d ideally like to understand what she’s going through so I can be more tolerant and provide the support she needs from us so she can get through this, my DH is happy and we can all come out the other side. I’ve tried to give a balanced account, I’m sure SIL would present a different view. I’m not an angel - I have many personality flaws. I just want us all to get on, for SIL to feel better, and to get rid of this anxiety and dread.
Thanks for reading. I'd appreciate any thoughts...