Make or break night

[confused114]

Hey everyone. So tonight me and dp are going out for a drink to try resolve some of our differences. I've suggested going to the pub as I know we will just argue at home and we've had such a crap weekend, I think it will do us good to get out of the house.

Dp has 2 kids boy and girl, the girl is a teenager and the boy is a toddler. I have 2 children inbetween those ages too. We have dps children every weekend and in all honesty, the weekends are awful. I dread them. Not because of his kids, me and my children have grown very close to them and they get on great. Dp really does struggle with his kids when he has them, he seems to get so stressed out. I do understand as the teenager just expects to do something every weekend, usually something that involves lots of money and the toddler is going through a stage of tantrums. If we don't do anything, the teenager just constantly complains she bored but then ends up making some kind of den or playing a game which literally turns my house into a bomb site. That really makes me angry but anyway. Dps kids do get on to a certain extent but the toddler annoys the teenager and the teenager is getting a bit of an attitude problem as teenagers do. He struggles to find things to do with them that they both would enjoy but it's hard. Plus everything we seem to suggest, the teenager doesn't want to do.

Now me and my kids are not the type of family that will go out and do something every weekend. Simply cos I can't afford it but this isn't an issue to my kids. They are happy just being at home, playing with toys, watching films etc.

The weekends that we do stay in though are awful, every time one of the kids moans about something, it's just like he can't handle it. It's usually my youngest dc and dps toddler that argue. The toddler will pick something up of my dds and say 'that's mine' my dd is only 4 and doesn't like that so she will say 'no it's not it's mine' and then they can squabble a little bit but to me, it's nothing major. It's just kids, it's what kids do. You can't bring 2 families together and expect them to get on all the time. However my dp gets so stressed about these little arguments they have etc that I've started to go to my mums for a bit here and there over the weekends, just to give us all a break. And because my dcs absolutely love my mums house, they would rather live there than with me lol.

So Friday night my dcs stayed at my mums and Saturday lunch time I went over to pick them up. I ended up staying at my mums for a few hours as she had her partner round who I've not seen for a while, kids were happy playing etc so thought there's no need to rush back. We were then going to dps mums house for tea and her house is close to my mums so I thought there's no point in me driving all the way home to set off back again an hour later.

Anyway went to dps mums, was all fine, then dp started to get abut stressed with his dcs so I said I was gonna take my kids home and I'd see him when he got back. Even his mum had a go at him and said he needs to stop getting so wound up all the time. Anyway when he finally came home he was in a bad mood. I asked him what was wrong and he basically said he feels like I'm constantly avoiding his children, that our family isn't working for him and it's making him unhappy. I went absolutely balistic, I said it's not his children I avoid because me and my kids love them very much, it's him that I avoid as I can't deal with how stressed he gets. He said from now on he's going to do his own thing with his kids every weekend and I said that's fine, do what you want basically.

Things have been pretty crap between us since then. It's such a shame as we get on brilliantly, we never argue. He's very affectionate, always doing nice things for me etc but when the weekends come, it all goes down hill.

Part of me feels he just needs me there when he has his dcs to help him look after them. I'm going to address this tonight. His dps are not a burden to me at all, I'm always helping him with them like picking them up if he's working late or dropping them off. I honestly feel like I cannot do anymore for them. But the fact that I went to my mums for an afternoon isn't good enough :-/

Dp is trying to be normal around me but I'm still so mad, he wanted sex this morning and I said no as I just wasn't in the mood, it's the first time I've ever been like that so he went off to work in a mood this morning too. We haven't said 'love you' since I went mad either which we usually do, there's been no messages from him today which I'd usually get when he's working.

I'm just wondering if we really do have a future now, I can't see how anything can or needs to change. His attitude needs to change but he's so stubborn I can't see it happening.

We are looking to move into a bigger house next month but now I'm just thinking we should maybe look for our own places if he's not happy with our family, I don't want to make a big commitment like that knowing he can't cope with our 4 kids every weekend. We've talked about having a baby of our own too, I really would love one more child but again, I can't see that happening. If he treated my child like he can his children sometimes, I couldn't cope with it.

It's just so sad, every weekend when it comes to dropping the kids off, he always feels so bad about how stressed he's got with him. But he never changes.

I'm thinking the mood he's in now and the mood I'm in now, we might just call it a day. I don't want that but if he isn't willing to change then I don't see what else I can do. His kids really are hard work but that's kids for you, they are his responsibility and he needs to learn how to deal with them when he has them :-/

I can see what OP is saying here, and something is not gelling well at times, and it is how DP handles the conflict that's the issue - not the fact there is conflict in the first place.

How does he react when your own DC argue?

Teens are hard work. They can be difficult and I think you totally get it and he doesn't at all. I can also see what you are saying about his DC maybe acting up because they don't get treated the same as yours? Or just that you feel it's unfair.

It's almost like he just seems to lose his rational mind when he becomes stressed. Is he like that with all kinds of stress?

What was DP's family like growing up?

It's his stress reactions which do need addressing and I think this is totally reasonable

My ex DP has bad stress reactions. He doesn't listen well and I hated having to try modify the children to pacify his moods. It will not be easier for him to live without you at all so I would hope he realises this and opens his eyes. You sound pretty articulate and clued up. I hope it goes well. It's not an attack it's your observations and your feelings. I suspect he feels like a bit of a failure as a parent and this is why he gets stressed out. I wonder if there are other options, clubs or hobbies he could go out and do with DD - quality time alone, toddler plays at home with yours and when you all return it could be cake baking or a film or pizza making. Something that he needs to get involved with that they might all like and has a purpose to it

Oh OP, poor you, you are doing your best.

Grand gestures are lovely but tbh it's getting through the tough times in my book that cements the relationship, being a team, working together with mutual respect and similar outlooks, sometimes with kids it just doesn't work out because we all have different parenting styles, I just wonder if he is capable of actually raising children.

Mmm yes I might suggest that he does go and do something with his dd. I do feel for him as it's hard. His dd wants to do all sorts of things but he simply can't do them with the toddler. Even a trip to the cinema he can't do as his ds wouldn't sit through it. She's desperate to go do this wall climbing thing so next weekend I might tell him to go and do it and I will watch the toddler. I do feel bad saying this, but the weekends where she isn't here for whatever reason, dp is much calmer. This needs nipping in the bud now though whether me and dp stay together or not. I'm pretty sure she's going to be starting her periods very soon, the mood swings are going to get worse etc, he needs to realise this.

He's absolutely fine with my dcs, never told them off or raised his voice. He will tell them 'no' if they've done something wrong but not in aggressive way. And that's fine by me. They do get along really well.

As for his childhood, I won't go into too much detail but he did have a pretty bad one. As a teenager, he found out the man he thought was his father and who brought him up wasn't. Then the following year he passed away very suddenly. Some people suggest it was suicide but it was ruled as accidental death - he drowned in the bath. He's very open about it all and we do talk about it when he feels he needs too. He's tried to contact his real father but to be honest, his real father isn't interested in getting to know him or his grandchildren so dp has pretty much given up.

I'm glad I wrote this post, like I say, I don't need people telling me to get out of the relationship as I already know it's possibly the only option. It's just the support of people that I need

OP, you sound like you are doing a hell of a lot to trying and get this relationship into a smooth track but honestly, he needs to be the one trying to solve this, not just you, it's all about what you can do to help him, fgs, you have your children 247, he doesn't!

Sounds very much like you are trying to teach him to be a parent, that invariably does not work, I get where you are coming from but these issues around his kids are all his, not yours, you are sounding like their parent rather than him - let him worry about the 2 year old sitting quiet, in fact I'd be making sure he spends time on his own with his own kids, it kinda feels like they have been dumped on you cos he doesn't have a fucken clue what to do with them - he needs to work this out, himself, it's what we all have to do, you learn as you go on, stop helping him so much would be my advice to you.

I'm just thinking about how my ex dp felt when my DD's entered the teen years, it was like he had to learn who they were all over again.
He needs to reconnect with his daughter, she's clearly trying desperately to get his attention and fit in, and he has to learn how to do that I agree you shouldn't be teaching him. But out of kindness it's ok to make suggestions up to him whether he listens

Yeah I totally see what your saying adora. I did try this weekend but then obviously he turned it around to say I didn't want to spend time with his kids and I'm off doing my own thing. In a couple of weeks, my dd has 2 bday parties on a sat and sun which I've told him about but no doubt in his head he will be thinking something. What I want to suggest is say Saturday we spend t together, Sunday we do our own thing. But if I say that he will probably take it as I'm trying to push them away and I'm really not at all. I know deep down he just wants someone else there to take care of them and be a mother figure to them. I will happily do that, I treat dps kids like I do my own when I have them. But this stress and anger has to stop. It has too if he wants this to continue.

I know I'm probably too involved in it but I do really care for dps kids so much. Even if we break up, I still will always care for them and want them to have the best relationship with their dad. And I want him too as well, it won't be long until his dd is off doing her own thing and he will hardly see her. I know he will miss her so much then.

It's looking like we won't be going anywhere tonight anyway now, dp isn't home yet and my ds is very restless. Finally asleep but don't think it's fair to leave my mum with him. Typical cos if anything, I could just murder a glass of wine wether we talk about our relationship or not

It's only really been the last 3 months or so this has been happening and it's got gradually worse as each weekend comes and goes

There appears to be some correlation timewise between the increasingly stressful weekends and your dd having "got picky with food and if she doesn't get what she wants she just screams. She started school in September and I was hoping that might do her some good but it's just seems to have made her worse unfortunately".

adora's post at 18.07 has caused me to wonder whether he looked after his 2 dc alone before he met you, or have you been on hand since he first began to have the toddler at weekends?

Trying to resolve an issue of this magnitude when you're tired isn't a good plan and I suggest you pour yourself a , get an early night, and read this thread again in the cold light of day before initiating any discussion with him.

Oh yes he's definitely looked after both his dcs before. For the full weekend as well. For about the first year of our relationship he was having them every weekend.

What I would be interested to know is what he's like with his dcs when I'm not there. He is usually honest and will say 'I shouted at dd and I shouldn't of'. I don't have a clue what he was like with them when I wasn't living with him, I'd be interested to know that as well but I suppose there is no way of me finding that out. I can imagine he's always been one that's been strict with the kids.

Yeah we are not doing anything tonight, he's not even home yet and sounds in an awful mood.....good luck to me when he comes in lol. I'm not going to mention anything as you say, we're both tired and miserable. It's not going to go very well. That was my point in going for a drink just to get out as we never really get much chance just the 2 of us.

Thank you to everyone's replies.....I do feel I'm going to be single again very soon so may need a lot of support then from all you lovely mumsnetters x

I know deep down he just wants someone else there to take care of them and be a mother figure to them. I will happily do that

So you are the reason why this dysfunctional cycle continues?

Your stepdc already have a mother - so they have a 'mother figure' all week.
On the weekends they need a father figure - which is HIM.
He's ok playing 'good daddy' to your dc but he chooses not to make the same conscientious effort with his own - and they will notice if they haven't already.

I get the impression he doesn't want to parent them. He'd rather someone else took over that responsibility whilst he just enjoys taking the credit for being 'such a good dad - he has them every weekend'
You're enabling him by playing martyr and do all the thinking/organizing for him and his kids.

Personally, i would insist on you each spending one whole weekend day with your kids separately. Your dc should not have to have their quality time with you ruined by the atmosphere he creates.

Why doesn't he go on a parenting course if he's having difficulty managing being responsible for both his kids at the same time?
Instead he chooses to twist your words and try and emotionally manipulate you into keeping the status quo.

OP, you sound like you are a really good parent. Engaged with your children, loving, realistic about how children are. You also seem pretty switched on to dealing with teens, even though your own DC aren't yet that age.

Do you think your DP would consider some kind of parenting class or perhaps a structured family therapy session, probably just including the two of you initially? You seem to have very different approaches to parenting, and frankly it sounds like he's not coping. If he's had a difficult upbringing then that could explain why he finds it so difficult - he has no "template" of good parenting to follow, whereas you sound like you have a lovely mum and you are (unconsciously, probably) bringing your kids up more or less the way you were - with love, caring and understanding.

If your DP cannot or will not accept the need to compromise and change, then I think you do have to split, as you acknowledge. You could perhaps stay as a couple, but keep separate households and just see each other during the week? Basically reverting back to a "dating" relationship.

Everything else aside, I would definitely not have a child with this man at this time. He seems unable to cope with his two bio DC when mixed with your two - imagine adding a tiny baby to the mix as well? I think, from what you say, it would tip him over the edge.

I think as has been said, the age gap in his kids makes them seem worlds apart and he can't handle it.

I don't think it's a bad idea for him to spend some one on one time with his daughter, while you watch the toddler now and again. Only for a couple of hours and not every weekend.

You both seem compatible in other areas and I think you've got something worth saving, if he can change his approach with the kids.

There's a good book called the Parenting puzzle by Candida Hunt.

Morning everyone, finally got some sleep last night :-) kids seem much better this morning too so they will be going back to school and I can spend the day having some me time which will be nice:

Sandy - yes you are right about the age gap, they are worlds apart. I think maybe he needs to be stricter with his dd but by doing it in a totally different type of manner. As I said before, she's just pushing his buttons - I think she is starting to get some kind of kick out of stressing him out. But again, this is just teenagers, I think he just expects them to be as happy as larry every time they are together.

We didn't talk about anything last night. He did say when he came in 'you're getting fed up of me aren't you?' But I didn't have the energy to respond properly. We ended up having a nice night, just talking about general stuff really and he was his usual affectionate self.

We do need to talk though and before this weekend too. I just know if he gets bad this weekend I might not be able to hold my tongue.

He's just left for work and offered to help my ds with a school project which I really appreciate as I'm crap when it comes to things like that. He's also said he will be home late as he's building some furniture for his dd (that's the line of work he does) for her new room at her mums house. They are getting an extension and dp has been spending the last few weeks making it. Dd has no idea as it's going to be a surprise for Christmas. It's such a lovely thing for him to do......I dunno, through the week I love him so much. Then the weekend comes and I can barely look at him and just think to myself 'what a massive bellend you are'

Will definitely suggest these parenting ideas, I just have to make sure it's the right time to bring it up. At the end of the day, he does love his children very much (I don't want to make it sound like he doesn't care about them or anything) he just finds parenting very difficult and in all honestly - he has absolutely no idea how to raise them.

Thank you so much for everyone's advice, head is abit clearer this morning anyway. Just need to find the right time to have a chat with him x