Sidelined by dad

[Lucy7400]

Long story short, my sistet and I have had little or no contact with our dad for many years. He is a spiteful, controlling alcoholic. I tried to make.amends a few years back but he threw it backback at.me. I wanted to agree to disagree and he wanted me to apologise whilst he ignored his own much larger list of wrong doings. I made peace with it as I tried and it was very much his choice to continue. My sister and I have always very much been on the same page which has helped.

My sister told me at the weekend that her and my dad have been talking for the past few months. In fact, it would seem they are rather close as she has.confided some very personal matters. it turns out he instigated contact.

I feel so hurt. Partly because my sister kept it from me when all along shes shared my views on him. But mostly because he had chosen her and sidelined me. If you are going to make contact with your adult children, surely its both? I didnt let on how I felt to my sister. Just feel so confused. To top it all, I fell out with him once over some shitty things he said. Whereas my sister has sworn at him, stolen money and alsorts over the years.

You're letting him manipulate you all over again, you do see that?

Why would you expect anything better from him? You're better off out in the cold, than risking getting your fingers burnt yet again, as your sister will no doubt find when your dad gets bored at playing nice.

I would tell her she's free to do what she likes, as is he, but you don't want to hear about it.

He's manipulating her, btw.

He is still a spiteful and controlling alcoholic; he has not fundamentally altered in terms of personality over the years.

Why would you want to stay in contact with such a toxic person anyway given all that he has done and continues to do?. You need to drop the rope and walk away.

Your sister and he sound very similar; he will get bored of playing nice with her soon enough.

Talking to Al-anon if you do not already do this may help you.

That must be very hurtful, especially as he has no doubt hurt you often in the past, when you did have contact. You are still the little girl hoping that her dad is going to be a proper dad, aren't you? Be fair with his daughters rather than playing off one against the other. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that he is just never going to be like that.

I think she'll live to regret reconnecting with him. You're better off keeping your distance.

He could be playing you off against each other (my DM did the same until I went NC). He'll just hurt her the same way he did you. I'd just keep out of it, stay on good terms with your sister and wait for it to come to an end. Just be there for her when it does.

Thank.you all. I think you are right. The fact he chose to cosy up to one daughter over the other demonstrates he hasnt changed. It is still manipulative. My dad has always preferred my sister because he could bully and dominate her. I can argue back without being confrontational. He always found that difficult as confrontation and aggression is his default position. Just feel sad I have such a crap dad.