Difficulties with Widowed Mother

[HostofDaffodils]

My father died over nine years ago. In his lifetime I'd have said I got on better with my mother.

My father was very withdrawn and could be angry and violent. Looking back it seems entirely possible that some - though not all - of his difficulties were caused by high-functioning autism which meant he was unequal to being an engaged husband and parent.

My mother worked very hard to - in her eyes - keep the family together and had a very difficult time caring for my father in his final illness. His selfishness meant he made huge demands on her. Out of a feeling that it was right to support her I took her to see my father in the hospice at the end of his life. When the end was very near, I also slept in the private room they had moved him to so that he didn't die alone. On the next day - which was his final day - I was the one sitting with my father when he died. Other family members who'd come earlier had gone by then.

This was the first time I had been with somebody when their life drew to an end.

I had initially expected that my mother, when she came to the hospice, would ask me if I was okay. One part of my mind very quickly understood that she would be dealing with the loss of her husband, so that her feelings as a wife would be at the forefront of her mind. Any wish to check if I was alright would come later. In fact the only emotion she seemed to show towards me was a flicker of anger - when I greeted her I was a bit unsure whether I was meant to ask her to see the nursing sister first or take her straight to my father. I think she felt I was - somehow - in the way.

To cut a long story short I spent some months trying to be a good daughter to my bereaved mother, and listening during that time to accounts of how difficult parts of her marriage had been. However, I spoke about the fact that I too had found him difficult, she would cut me off and tell me what a good father he had been.

She has never once asked me what I felt about him or thanked me for trying to support her - and him - at this time.

I am angry and hurt, though I also in the last year or two begun to think that my mother has 'something missing'.

I just wondered whether other people had experienced something similar. That feeling that the death of one parent has, in a sense, led to a feeling that both parents have been lost.

OP, i'm sorry you had to go through that all alone.

What i've found is that some people are like this....and no, they won't treat you with the same ordinary human care.
Why? God knows if they won't open their mouths and talk! We can only make judgements and decisions based on what our personal experience has been with them.

It wasn't until i hit 30 and finally said enough! to the world and its bullshit that i saw my older sibling for who she really is - a narcissist. I personally think she has full blown NPD.

People, like some on here, could never see it from my perspective though - not unless they had personal experience of it.
Nobody could understand that i was being made to feel like non-person by her, i was expected to be there for her but not 'allowed' to have feelings or thoughts of my own. Basically put up or shut up.

I guess for most people it's an anathema that your parent/sibling would continue to have a 'relationship' with you but never ask you 'normal' things like 'where are you moving to? what happened? (on the two occasions i was nearly killed), are you ok? what colour/wallpaper have you chosen? i've moved all over the country and still to this day they have never asked/shown any interest.

You do deserve to be treated better OP. Your feelings DO matter. I know you're not expecting 'gratitude' from your mum, you just want her to acknowledge that you are a part of this 'family' and you have been affected by this too.
But she won't give you that.

I've just accepted that my sibling will not change, i can either accept the scraps i get thrown - or stand up for myself. I've chosen to go NC with her, i won't accept being treated like a 'second class person' by her, i won't have my feelings minimised and i refuse to be treated like i'm just there to keep their world functioning 'normal'.

I would consider going low contact with your mum, when you do communicate/visit just be very frank with her. Decide on your boundaries beforehand, if all she wants to do is talk about herself - cut the contact short.
Don't allow her to keep 'taking' from you when she's not willing to give.
Either she eventually learns from this or she doesn't.

In my experience people like this don't change.

Having been widowed myself, I would say that one of the hardest things is dealing with one's own grief alongside ones children's or other family members. Young, dependant children like mine have to be the priority. But when children have left home and have their own families I think it would be easy to decide to focus on ones own grief and loneliness and to exclude thinking about them, somewhat, as facing other people's emotions about the loss just makes it harder.

However in your mum's case it is much more complex than that. Since your father was abusive, I think you said, you know their marriage cannot have been easy. In my experience of meeting other young widows at a support group, those who have the hardest time after losing a spouse are often those who had the worst marriages. My husband was amazing and I have to work hard to remind myself and the kids of his bad points, because deifying him would be bad for all of us. And I miss him so much it is sometimes agonising. But if my memories of a marriage were mainly negative? If I held onto guilt for not leaving an abusive man and not protecting my children? If I was wondering whether it had all been worth it or not? If an abusove hisband does without even having changed or shown remorse? I can't imagine the storm of emotions to be honest.

Clearly the fact that you were there when your father died also plays into this somehow. She may feel jealous and guilty that you managed to seemingly Be more forgiving than her.

Having said that, I'm not sure that diagnosing your parents with conditions that may shed light on their personalities is necessarily very helpful. ASD is a very wide spectrum and my friends who are on it are some of the most empathetic people I know. They just feel so deeply over other people being hurt or sad that it is sometimes hard for them to express that.

It's impossible to know but I agree with some posters. Your feelings are perfectly legitimate. I can only imagine that your mum put up with your father all her life and doesn't want to recognise that he was abusive to both of you.

It maybe your mum is just as bad as your father but you didn't know that and expected her to become a proper mum once your father died?

Or maybe not it maybe

Somerville for you and for your young children

Hi op,
Not had chance to read through what others have said and only can post briefly due to poorly DCs but I do feel like I have lost both parents since DM died last year. My dad is a completely different person and it's like I have to get to know him again. I think my mum buffered the 'bad' parts of his personality and they complimented each other well.
He is more awkward, he can't be arsed with us or his grandkids and we don't hear from him much. It's hardest for my teenage sister who still lives with him. I feel like my whole life, personality, family etc has changed and feel everyday that something is missing.
I also don't think we are alone in feeling this - a few friends have been through similar and feel the same.
Counselling may help (for you and your mother) x

It doesn't sound like your mother has the emotional resources to respond in the way you want.

You can't change her. For your own sake, stop fixating on this.

I agree that in may families a thanks for this wouldn't be expected or offered.

I think like many people here, I don't think you get thanks for being with your family until the end. I sat with my mum as she died. My dad never thanked me, nor would I expect him too. She was my mum. I did it for her, not him. I also think grief brings out the worst in people sometimes - the only time my father has ever raised his voice to me was in the week after mum died. You can't hold someone's grief against them. You just can't.

I think you need to look away from your father's death when examining your relationship with your mother. It isn't and shouldn't be rerepresentative.

When my father died my mother just stayed the same but more so. Through counselling, I had already become aware that he went around spreading oil on the waters she'd troubled so I was under no illusions about her personality. Because of that, it didn't surprise me when everything was about her. It never occurred to me to seek any empathy from her.

You need to distance yourself from your mother and stop the (unconscious) expectation that if you are good enough she will love you. She won't. Look after yourself and your family, don't waste any more emotional energy on her.

I can't believe you think you should be thanked??

I cared for my dying parents day and night. I changed their pads, wiped their bums, fed them, consoled them, dressed them....like they were my own children. I never ever expected a formal thank you from anyone. How petty! It was my CHOICE.

And you're expecting thanks for driving up a motorway????!

I've heard it all now.

I don't think it's unreasonable to say thank-you. One of the key traits of a normal healthy family is that members are kind to one another and don't take each other for granted. This doesn't seem to be the OP's family experience at all.

For me what stands out is that the OP's father was physically abusive and that her mum put her relationship with him above everything else, including her relationship with her children.

I'm not surprised the OP is struggling with bereavement now as it will have brought a lot of difficult feelings to the fore - it sounds as if she knew her father wasn't a good parent but not so much that her mother wasn't and this has stirred up a lot of complex emotions.

As your father died in a hospice, they almost always offer bereavement support - can you get in touch to say you are struggling?

I usually feel that the DMs and MILs of adults get a hard time on here but I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel upset that your Mum has not shown any concern at all for how you are feeling. Grief can make us self-centered but mothers usually worry about their children's feelings even when they are adult.
As someone more in your Mum's age bracket though I would suggest that she probably felt that she was doing the right thing keeping the family together at any cost. It may not be a case of her putting her own interests above yours. She could be questioning that with hindsight and not like having to think about it.
It sounds like she is off-loading onto you a lot.
You can't be her counsellor and she can't be yours.
I think you would both benefit from separate counselling in your own right.
It sounds like your mother isn't capable of giving you what you need at present and, yes, it is likely to be affecting her even more than you as her day to day life was more bound up with your Dad's. Its possible that she has very conflicting feelings about him.

I just wanted to come back and thank people who have shared some of their difficult experiences of bereavement.

On a personal level re some of the constructive advice:-

The hospice does indeed offer counselling. It is some distance away though - 90 minutes at best, 3 hours at worst. So, I think it's not an option.

There are some interesting thoughts about duty. I'd like to think that one of our duties, would be a duty to be kind to one another. (One of the posters above more or less said that.)

I am not sure that if I'm 'fixated' on this issue, though unfortunately my father's death was a kind of turning point in terms of family history and relationships. It was as if, rather than people temporarily going a bit deranged by grief and then going back to being their normal kind and lovely selves, a great deal of 'truth' emerged.

And I suppose it was a lonely period in some ways. My father was first in a near-coma, and then not able to speak at all, so there was no opportunity for any exchange with him. I think my mother and siblings just dealt with things in their different and very separate ways.

Since then I've very much gone on with my own life with my partner and our children - albeit with the knowledge of this falling apart lurking in the background.

Very recently my mother had a significant birthday - entering a new decade - and I also drove past the hospice. So the frailty and mortality of parents is rather more on on my mind. (I suppose I am bracing myself for knowing my mother is highly unlikely to make it through the next ten years.)

Thanks again.

The hospice does indeed offer counselling. It is some distance away though - 90 minutes at best, 3 hours at worst. So, I think it's not an option.

It might be very worth while making the effort, if you can grab a day at all. Or is there one closer by?

I'm really sorry for your loss, do u think she feels guilt that she wasn't there when your father died?

Indeed, yes. When my dad died my DM retreated into her own insulated world to protect herself from the unbearable hurt and loss. She developed Alzheimers overnight and despite existing for another 11 years, her life ended when dad died.
They had been sweathearts since she was 15 and after retiring did everything together. Dad still adored DM to the end of his days.

We did lose both of our parents when dad died.

ElspethFlashman I don't think that's very nice.
Clearly OPs relationship with her parents is very different to yours. And you have ignored the genuine emotions she has expressed.
I think it's very unreasonable that in 9 years her Mum has not asked her if she is OK.
Sorry for your loss.

OP - have you tried Cruse - they offer bereavement counselling and in some areas will come to you. It's free and I can recommend them heartily.

Saying that you would have liked to have been thanked has put some people's backs up - but I'm guessing you just wanted to share your experience and grief (even for a man you didn't really love - he was still your father). Wanting to share our feelings and receive warmth and compassion from our family - particularly in times of bereavement is not entitled or self-obsessed. It's perfectly normal.