I can't see how I'll ever recover

[HappyJanuary]

My marriage ended almost two years ago after discovering stbxh's affair was still ongoing.

I know that I did the right thing by telling him to leave, and I get some comfort from knowing that he didn't want to go, and is still miserable, and regularly hints to come home, but I am so consumed by grief and disbelief that I can't seem to move on from.

It suddenly hit me this week, just how truly pathetic I am. It is hard just now with Christmas, and his birthday, and our anniversary all coming up. But still, it's been two years and I'm no further on, although I put on a good act and nobody would know.

I don't cry every day any more, but it doesn't take much to make me. A lovely memory, the thought of a future plan that now won't happen, a piece of music.

I'm not one to say LTB but when women on here are on the brink of leaving I generally tell them it's the right decision, and I mean it. As sad as I feel now, there's no doubt in my mind that my life would be worse if I'd allowed him to stay. It's the man I thought he was that I miss, and I can't seem to come to terms with the fact that he could do it to me after 30 years together.

Since he went I haven't looked at, or been attracted to another man. I just don't notice them. Everyone is encouraging me to start dating again, but it terrifies me, but I'm only getting older so maybe I do need to think about it.

My life is full and busy. I'm lucky to have a job I love, four children and plenty of friends, so I don't know what else I can do to get better.

He is amicable, no pressure to sell the family home, generous child maintenance and he's working hard to rebuild his relationship with the children.

I don't know why I'm posting really. Just had another sleepless night and now pottering around a quiet house full of self pity, at one time a sleepless night would've meant us both heading off at 5am to find breakfast.

My ex is still with the OW who he moved in with over 5 years ago. He had been seeing her three years previously, so eight years he's been with her. He bought a house with her, has had loads of holidays and weekend breaks with her. Many times in the two years after we split, so whilst living with her, he said he wanted us to give it another go, that he had made a terrible mistake. From what his friends and my kids have told me, all I have to do is click my fingers and he'll be back here in a heartbeat.

I would never, ever have him back. I get no enjoyment from the knowledge that deep down he knows he made a mistake. When the pair of them look all loved up and smiley on FB, I feel nothing. All I feel is regret that he couldn't see what he was losing all those years ago, and I so clearly could. I actually, very surprisingly, feel sorry for his partner, because he's 'making the best of a bad situation' (his words) with her, and she thinks he really is happy with her.

I will never understand how he can live such a pretense as he is, but that's fine, I'm just relieved he's in my past, and her present and future.

I think you still care for your ex OP, and that is why you can't move on. You get enjoyment from his sadness, and feel hurt if he's happy. If you had no feelings for him, then you would, like me, be indifferent to him.

I think you either need to give serious thought about a reconciliation, or go no contact with him. You seem stuck in limbo, and you won't move on unless you make changes.

Ah, if he is still with OW, then that alters what I said to you totally. If you reached out to him to try again, he might come back, then back to her again, as there isn't closure yet on that relationship. If he seriously wanted to be with you again, he would need to leave her and be trying to win you back, and be on his own for a while. He made his bed and should lie in it. Don't push yourself to get into dating again if you're not ready. You can be as happy on your own as with someone. I remember enjoying my own space quite a bit, and just didn't feel the need to date. You will know when you feel ready OP, and if you try too hard too soon, it can make you feel worse.

You're both right, and I can see now that I'm not indifferent at all, not like I should be.

In fact I rather like the fact that she's posting loved up statuses on Facebook and he's crying to friends about how miserable he is, she didn't care when it was me.

The children told him to be on his own for a while if he wanted any chance of a reconciliation but he said he can't risk ending up alone.

Right, counselling and aiming for indifference.

The more I read I'm wondering whether you should try dating? I went on a few before I met my OH and yes, they did make me miserable. Which is why I was very reluctant to go on the one where I met my partner. I can't describe how I felt (I didn't suddenly fall head over heels with my partner) it was like a switch had been flicked. I knew then there was hope.
I'm actually engaged now. If someone had said to me the night I went out I'd marry him I'd have laughed my head off.
If you really don't feel you can dip your toe in the water then counselling is a fabulous idea.

Counselling probably a good idea anyway!

Oh no - you don't stalk read her updates on FB do you?

Detach, block, detach, avoid, ignore, and yes, go and date for a bit

Can I suggest that you only talk about the kids and when he starts bemoaning his lot, say 'that's nothing to do with me, I'm not interested' and kill the conversation? And don't look on FB at all. Feign indifference until you really feel it. Counselling is a good idea. If you want to move on, you really have to detach from him as much as you can. I haven't spoken to my ex for well over a year, my kids are adults so thankfully there is little need for contact. Even when they chat about him to each other, I zone out. This is deliberate, and when we first split my youngest was 13 so I had to talk to him, but I never did 'small talk' or chat. I'm sure this approach really helped me get over a 20 year marriage much more quickly.

I am sorry, HJ

You have had good advice so won't add more except make sure you take account of the fact that he is trying to make you the OW now. No man is worth what he has put you through and still would if you let him

You sound like a lovely person. You will get there x

I really do get you, likewise it's the man I "thought" he was that I loved so much, the actual man was a piece of shit I just ignored all the signs but if I'm honest he was 100% selfish from day one. I also miss being married, there are a lot of social benefits from being married and life is harder single.

make sure you take account of the fact that he is trying to make you the OW now

I'm glad you saw that as well.

I think about my ex less and less, about 2.5 years after he actually left - and when I do only with negative feelings unfortunately (I would rather not be quite so bitter!). I find I think about him more if I have had any contact with him, and get on much better when I don't see him or hear anything about him. The first year he gave me a Christmas present and I told him never to give me any sort of present again. He also suggested meeting regularly to talk about the kids and I said that it wasn't necessary, and that I expected to see less and less of him as time went by and the divorce was sorted out. I don't think I could stand the kind of contact you are having at all.

What keeps me from thinking about it the rest of the time is that my life has changed quite a lot - I have new friends and hobbies, have changed my home, bought new clothes, been dating. It feels like a very positive change.

My new boyfriend tells me I should also stay off Mumsnet so as not to keep thinking about the past but the pull of the gossip is too strong! And actually I think it's quite therapeutic. I did some counselling, which was very useful in the early days especially, and found it useful to think about the subject in a constructive way, trying to sort out my thoughts rather than just obsessing negatively.

Still get the odd restless night, though I am now thinking more about the ins and outs of my new life rather than going over the past yet again. Probably helps that I have a poor memory though...

Maybe next year plan a holiday in the sun round anniversary time? Or a nice city break - doing things you, and only you, really love?

I think you are underestimating how far you have come, you were married for a very long time and only two years on: you no longer cry, you've not thrown yourself into a new destructive relationship for fear of being alone, you've developed an amicable relationship with your ex despite all the hurt and pain he caused, you've continued to work and look after your children.All these things take some doing and it's not easy when your life has been turned upside down to even keep functioning.

You will continue to prosper Op, I feel it in my bones.

I think it can take between 2-4 years to recover from a long relationship.
The fact that you are still living the same life, home finances etc probadly means you are still 'married' in some ways.
When will you divorce?

For counselling try CBT or mindfulness as it's about training your brain not to think of him or the past.

Don't rule out dating.I felt like this after my 1st marriage ended but something clicked one day and I started to notice men again.Do you meet men in work? At first I practiced just saying Yes to all opportunties.It was actually a fun time.

I met my 2nd husband shortly after and sadly after 15 years separating.This time round I feel I might date more readily, given the opportunity

Cried proper tears at some of these. So lovely to hear kind words. I've got family and friends but pretend I'm fine, nobody wants to be the whinyarse.

Regarding Facebook. I blocked her on all social media to avoid temptation, feeling all mature and strong. So nowadays I just log on as one of the kids when I want to stalk, which probably defeats the point!

I feel so sad for all of you that have been through it. It hurts like nothing else, the betrayal and injustice of it all. We're better off without them, I know.