Anybody about for a handhold . Drunk husband

[WheresStellasGroove]

My dh is drunk . Again .

I hate him. We have split up over his drinking before . He has made promises . He has not kept them .

I can't live with him anymore . This is going to be a nightmare .

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Stella

You cannot stay with this man any longer; your children and you are as caught up in his alcoholism as he is. Alcoholism is truly a family disease and one that does not affect the alcoholic.

You need to talk to Al-anon if you do not already do so along with dealing with your own issues surrounding co-dependency. You seem very responsible for him which is all part of that too and its not healthy.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here and what is it they are learning from the two of you?

You have a choice re this man, your children do not and have to follow your lead. Show them a good example now rather than doing your own but as well here to further damage them. Your children could also do with speaking to Al-ateen.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I doubt very much that your drunkard of a h will want much to do with his children going forward. They will likely not want much if anything to do with him.

Do not also underestimate what effects an alcoholic parent can have on a child growing up within such an atmosphere; they are long lasting and very damaging. Such children can end up with a whole raft of emotional problems pertaining to their parents alcoholism and can become super responsible for the parent.

[Desmondo2016]

How are you this morning OP?

[WheresStellasGroove]

Well he has gone to work today and is acting like everything is normal ( again )
The irony is he is in a caring profession but just can't see his own issues.
I feel emotionally wrung out .

[WheresStellasGroove]

I am getting the school stuff ready for tomorrow and planning my next move.

[Dowser]

Awww. Sending you a big hug.
Thankfully I've never had any of those problems but my dh has had experience of it.
It's very damaging and he still has awful flashbacks of it.

You need to save yourselves. He says the alcoholic becomes very selfish or at least that is how the behaviour comes across to the non alcoholic.
Obviously it's an illness.
But it's the repercussions on everyone else.

[PoldarksBreeches]

Who pays the rent? The fact that there isn't a formal tenancy agreement doesn't mean he doesn't have the right to live there sadly. If you pay rent and have sole occupancy then a de facto tenancy agreement exists and it covers him as it is the marital home.
HOWEVER him actually enforcing that wouldn't be easy at all. He would have to go to court, and the fact that you have separated and the fact that you rent from your relative means that a judge probably wouldn't enforce him returning to the house unless he could evidence that he would be homeless otherwise.

[TinPanAli]

If he would be awkward, Presumably your Grandfather could evict both of you, then on day of eviction, you dash down to solicitors and get a letter saying you are separated, whereby your grandfather immediately re-rents to you? All within a half day?

[AnyFucker]

Enough now

Forget the last 17 years. They are a sunk cost

Show your kids that no one has to live like this. It's never too late.

[iamjustlurking]

Sorry Sqeegle just got back and caught up .. it was the lies the feeling that he "chose" alcohol so the rejection empty promises.

They still don't feel good enough or worth loving its' awful.

They feel guilty let down betrayed , they don't actually remember much of us being together just the after effects. I live with the awful guilt that I couldn't shield them from the emotional and financial destruction he caused. its awful just awful and I only hope he is at peace because they aren't

[cookieswirls]

Oh I feel for you op I grew up with an alcoholic and it's so heartbreaking isn't it. It really does destroy families. I hope you have the strength to move on with your dc and lead happy lives that you deserve

[MrsBertBibby]

Just to correct some of the advice here, from the legal point of view, you can't just change the locks, the house is the matrimonial home and he is entitled to be there whilst the marriage subsists. A Court can terminate his matrimonial right of occupation but that's not an easy order to obtain.

If you have reached the end, OP (and I really think you should have done) then you need to get proper legal advise, and get divorce proceedings started.

[AcrossthePond55]

Sorry, I realize now that I misread. I thought you owned the house.

If he won't leave voluntarily, have your grandfather evict him.

[WheresStellasGroove]

Ok so things are not good.
We are not really speaking to eachother and I have taken my wedding / engagement rings off.
He asked me to pay for a deposit etc on a flat and I said no.
I have bailed him out loads of times financially in the past and we lost our house due to his debts.

I am just not looking forward to another weekend with him here . I just want him gone.

[Heathen4Hire]

I have no experience of your situation. But I want to send hugs

[TheABC]

Pack his bags and pay for him to stay in a hotel for a might or two, whilst he finds somewhere else. It's worth it to get hI'm out of your hair. I don't know legally where you stand with the rental agreement, but since the LL is your grandfather, there must be a way to change the locks when he is next out at work.

[loobyloo1234]

I am with the PP's here. I was a child in the position your children are now in. My mother left eventually thank god but it was draining and horrible to be around. So many arguments, secret drinking, lashing out. Awful

Kick him out - he's got himself in this mess. Protect your children from this from here on in. No turning back

[mrssapphirebright]

Please think about your dc OP. My step father had a drink problem and i grew up anxious treading on egg shells. The damage has stayed with me through my adult life. Even now (age 40) I get nervous around drunk men and can't stand loud bangs.

This is no life for you and your precious dc love.

You sound much more financially fortunate than my mum too. Please don't be scared, you are not responsible for him, only yourself and your dc.

[WheresStellasGroove]

I have full on weekend where me and the boys will be out all of the time so I will put the pressure on next week .
I feel quite relieved that I know I don't want to be with home any more.
I think if I had no money he would have been off years ago.
I just feel really stupid for putting up with it for so long but as the abuse started when I was pregnant I was then trapped and vulnerable.
Thanks for the replies it helps.

[prettywhiteguitar]

He has a job why should you give him money ?? He is irresponsible tell him to find a youth hostel and feck off.

Seriously you owe him nothing, not a thing for what you have had to put up with he should be begging forgiveness as he leaves.

[AcrossthePond55]

Before you have any extended absences from the house, please get any/all valuable papers and items out. Secure any electronic devices and be sure passwords have been changed and are secure passwords. At this point you cannot trust him one little jot.

But I really think the most important thing that you (and your Granddad) need to find out about is tenant's rights and whether or not he has any. I have a feeling that he is going to threaten and stonewall. He's had it pretty good so far and he is NOT going to want to give up the cushy life you've provided. Don't expect him to go quietly.

I think ABC's suggestion of offering to pay for a (cheap) hotel for him for 2 or 3 nights to get him gone is something you should think about as long as he has a clear understanding (preferably in writing) that it is a permanent separation and not a marital 'breathing space'.

[StickyProblem]

Do you have the money for the deposit Stella? The ideal situation would be that he's just out. Or would you end up stuck with his rent costs too?
for you.

[MsGameandWatch]

I'd just pay the deposit. I did Ina similar situation. I hated doing it but the relief of him being gone made it worth every penny.

[GabsAlot]

why cant he afford a deposit

hope youre ok

[WheresStellasGroove]

Ok so here we are a week later and he is stun again . He has been verbally abusive bit is being quite restrained .
I have taken my wedding / engagemt rings off and asked him to move out .
He is still here .
Tomorrow I will pin him down to a date that he can move out . I feel calm and his words are like water off a ducks back now . Why have I stayed with this arsehole for so long ?