Anybody about for a handhold . Drunk husband

[WheresStellasGroove]

My dh is drunk . Again .

I hate him. We have split up over his drinking before . He has made promises . He has not kept them .

I can't live with him anymore . This is going to be a nightmare .

[WuTangFlan]

I don't think anyone's said it yet but living with someone else's alcoholism:

1. you didn't cause it
   
2. you can't cure it
   
3. you can't control it
   
4. you can't compete with it
   
   You can only control your own actions and what you choose to do. It's shit though.

[WheresStellasGroove]

I don't own the house . I rent it from a family member .
I made sure we don't jointly own the house as last time I was trapped in our martial home and could not get him to move out .
I knew this would happen one day and refused to buy a house with him again .

[user1478987578]

Stella, this sounds awful! you should not be treading on eggshells in your own home!
So hard, some people just cannot handle their drink and become nasty horrible beings. I have a friend who's partner is verbally nasty to her when he has had a bit to drink and she argues with him whilst her [just under] 4 year old daughter is in the house. He calls her names and she just argues back at him upon deaf ears!
What would you tell her to do?

hope you're okay!

[WheresStellasGroove]

I feel ashamed I have stayed with him so long ( 17 years )

some of my friends know what he is like but I feel stupid for staying so long .

[Cherrysoup]

Is his name on the tenancy? You can get the owner to change the terms and remove his name so easier to get him out. I'd so do it.

[CoolCarrie]

U are not stupid at all. You probably kept hoping he would change. You can't change the past, its happened , but you can change you and dc lives for the better by getting him out of the house and out of your lives. You and dc deserve better.

[GabsAlot]

then u just ask hgim to leave and if he wont phone the police say u want him out if its not his place he cant do much

[WheresStellasGroove]

There is no tenancy agreement. It is my grandfathers house.
He let me and the children move in so we could get away from him last time.
Not sure re the legal position as there is no tenancy agreement at all.
My granddad does not live here .

[SortAllTheThings]

It sounds like you've felt this was inevitable for a while. You're already protecting yourself by making sure the home is in your name only. It sounds more of a case of when, rather than if.

It's so dangerous for kids to be around this shit. Seeing this behaviour all the time normalises it. Seeing the other parent tolerating this behaviour tells them that it's find to act like that.

It's hard. It took me a really long time to get to this point, but I'm so so glad I did.

[SortAllTheThings]

Sorry, Xpost.

[WheresStellasGroove]

Those who have left a drunk husband - do they have a relationship with their children still ?

[EmNetta]

Reading about your DH's circumstances, I'm not surprised he drinks, but it's not a healthy relationship and separation could be good for him too.
If you're not yet involved with Al-Anon, they can be a great help and will understand completely - you don't have to do this alone.

[AcrossthePond55]

Have you spoken to a solicitor? If you are married the house may be considered a marital asset even if it's solely in your name. Please, please seek legal advice before you do anything, unless of course you or your children are in danger.

You do need to be rid of him, but get your ducks in a row first. Secure all financial and legal documents, change all your passwords. If you have joint finances you need to stash away some money where he won't find it. Even if you're the higher earner, there's no guarantee he won't try to withdraw all joint funds which could leave you short until pay day.

In the meantime, I'll tell you what I tell my BFF (same situation except she earns pittance next to him AND since we're in the US, he has guns), don't be afraid to call the police, don't be afraid to get a hotel room for the night, don't be afraid to send the children to a place of safety.

[Patriciathestripper1]

He sounds like my best mates partner. She set a hidden camera up and caught him in full rant calling her every name under the sun and threatening her. She played it back to him when he was sober. He was so ashamed. He stopped drinking for quite a while but it didn't last.
My advice for what it's worth is ask him to leave, give him some time to find somewhere (say couple of weeks) then change locks and don't let him back in.

[SortAllTheThings]

"Reading about your DH's circumstances, I'm not surprised he drinks"

Huh??

He's hammered more than he's not. He's bring a shit father and husband. There's no excuse for that.

[SerendipityPhenomenon]

The house isn't a marital asset. Basically all you need to do is change the locks when he is out getting pissed, text him to say he can't come back, and put his belongings on the doorstep.

[PickAChew]

What circumstances would those be, EmNetta?

Don't feel stupid, OP. The FOG has lifted and only now can you clearly see what you are dealing with.

[Mindfields]

Your grandfather can do a quick DIY tenancy agreement for you to sign if you are worried about legalities.

An example:

www.lawdepot.co.uk/contracts/tenancy-agreement/?loc=GB#.WCelBWuLTIU

[Blu]

Your grandfather gave you a house to live in so you could get away from this man and then you invited him to love in that house?

Look, how comfortable do you think your kids feel, tiptoeing around him as they did tonight? How do they feel about havjng their friends over?

If you make the break, properly, the kids will maintain the relationship with their father if they want to. My friend's now grown up son has an excellent relationship now with the very drunken alcoholic father of his childhood and teens. He was a happier and more confident child when my friend finally moved out with him, and go on better better with his Dad when he had the choice and was not subject to the squalor and indignity of a very drunk father with no escape.

[Neoneon]

Please get him away from your DC.

My father was exactly the same. We all crept around him when he was drunk waiting for him to tip over into picking on my mother, slurring abusive language and a general toxic environment. One night he took a huge shit on the living room floor. That was a particularly fun time.

Please leave. My mother never did and I wish she had.

[JellyBelli]

I have family and friends who are alcoholic. One relative nearly died from cirrhosis, that gave him a wake up call and he went teetotal. With the others I am NC.
Your DP is not ready to change. Begging and crying means nothing in the long term, they mean it at the time, but change is a process not a promise.

[Squeegle]

The problem with drunk husbands/partners is they forget/ are numbed a lot of the time. And we live through it stone cold sober. When my ex left he drank himself stupid for a few weeks. And the miraculously he decided to stop. It was strange really as of course this is what I had wanted, but by the time it came I had got to a place where I didn't care. So many times had I thought that I was going to wake up and find him dead that I had become very hard hearted. I just wanted him out to not expose the children.
Anyway, he became sober, ,very surprisingly at this point (after about 15 years). The dcs didn't stay with him as he was sharing a house at that time. He started with AA and started trying to make amends. Cut to 4 years later. He has moved into his own flat (we sold our shared house), he sees the kids about once a week. In fact he had started drinking again which was a challenge but seems to have got it under control again. It is not perfect but it is obviously a million times better than living with him. It wears you down living with an alcoholic, puts you on edge, makes you depressed. Do you think you can get him to leave? Are there times when you can talk properly and he is reasonable?

[iamjustlurking]

Not read the whole thread as just on way out but I have been where you are . Stayed way too long as was too scared to leave didn't know how I wound cope.
Circumstances took over and I had no choice my children were 8 5 and 5 wks !! But the damage to the eldest 2 was already done along with the emotional roller coaster he continued to expose them too.
He is now deceased he has broken my beautiful DC now 20's don't let him to the same to yours and you

[Creampastry]

Make him leave .... sounds like he's had plenty of chances and doesn't care enough about you to think twice when reaching for a drink. But what is worse is he doesn't care enough for his kids ....

[Squeegle]

iamjustlurking, I'm so sorry to hear your story. What was it that broke the dcs do you think? I often worry about mine, my DD 14 worries too much for her dad, my DS 12 thinks that he is old enough to look after his father should anything untoward happen. I don't this is right, but not sure how to change things.