Anybody about for a handhold . Drunk husband

[WheresStellasGroove]

My dh is drunk . Again .

I hate him. We have split up over his drinking before . He has made promises . He has not kept them .

I can't live with him anymore . This is going to be a nightmare .

[CurtainsforRonnie]

Think of how much happier you will all be. No more treading on eggshells,
You can do it for yourself, DC & Ddog, it will be a weight of your shoulders.

[AcrossthePond55]

But I still do think that you should double check on any tenant's rights he may have earned as half of a married couple living in the (rented) marital home. I know it's in your name, but still, you don't want to kick him out only for him to force his way back in (if you think he'd do that).

[AcrossthePond55]

The first thing to do is to concentrate on getting him out. The whys and wherefores of why you've stayed can wait until he's gone and you have some breathing room. Then you can think things through and get counseling if you think it would help you make better choices in the future. It certainly worked wonders for me!

If I were you, I wouldn't be asking him when he could leave, I'd be telling him when he needed to be out. "This is not working. I am done. You need to be out of this house by XX/XX date", preferably a date that he will have to be at work or gone for some reason the very next day in case he overstays his (lack of) welcome. Then have a locksmith scheduled to change the locks immediately. He'll either be gone the day before or you will be locking him out because he refused to leave. If the latter, you can always leave a packed bag outside for him and tell him that he will be able to remove the rest of his things at a mutually agreed upon time when there is a reliable third party present.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"Why have I stayed with this arsehole for so long ?"

Indeed, why have you?. That is a difficult question but one you must ask yourself and address properly.

All sorts of reasons spring to mind; your own fear, shame and embarrassment (all of those feelings are really misplaced), falling headlong into the sunken costs fallacy trap, the hope that he will change despite your own experiences to the contrary, your own co-dependency issues.

[WheresStellasGroove]

Drunk not stun

[WheresStellasGroove]

Ok so here we are a week later and he is stun again . He has been verbally abusive bit is being quite restrained .
I have taken my wedding / engagemt rings off and asked him to move out .
He is still here .
Tomorrow I will pin him down to a date that he can move out . I feel calm and his words are like water off a ducks back now . Why have I stayed with this arsehole for so long ?

[GabsAlot]

why cant he afford a deposit

hope youre ok

[MsGameandWatch]

I'd just pay the deposit. I did Ina similar situation. I hated doing it but the relief of him being gone made it worth every penny.

[StickyProblem]

Do you have the money for the deposit Stella? The ideal situation would be that he's just out. Or would you end up stuck with his rent costs too?
for you.

[AcrossthePond55]

Before you have any extended absences from the house, please get any/all valuable papers and items out. Secure any electronic devices and be sure passwords have been changed and are secure passwords. At this point you cannot trust him one little jot.

But I really think the most important thing that you (and your Granddad) need to find out about is tenant's rights and whether or not he has any. I have a feeling that he is going to threaten and stonewall. He's had it pretty good so far and he is NOT going to want to give up the cushy life you've provided. Don't expect him to go quietly.

I think ABC's suggestion of offering to pay for a (cheap) hotel for him for 2 or 3 nights to get him gone is something you should think about as long as he has a clear understanding (preferably in writing) that it is a permanent separation and not a marital 'breathing space'.

[prettywhiteguitar]

He has a job why should you give him money ?? He is irresponsible tell him to find a youth hostel and feck off.

Seriously you owe him nothing, not a thing for what you have had to put up with he should be begging forgiveness as he leaves.

[WheresStellasGroove]

I have full on weekend where me and the boys will be out all of the time so I will put the pressure on next week .
I feel quite relieved that I know I don't want to be with home any more.
I think if I had no money he would have been off years ago.
I just feel really stupid for putting up with it for so long but as the abuse started when I was pregnant I was then trapped and vulnerable.
Thanks for the replies it helps.

[mrssapphirebright]

Please think about your dc OP. My step father had a drink problem and i grew up anxious treading on egg shells. The damage has stayed with me through my adult life. Even now (age 40) I get nervous around drunk men and can't stand loud bangs.

This is no life for you and your precious dc love.

You sound much more financially fortunate than my mum too. Please don't be scared, you are not responsible for him, only yourself and your dc.

[loobyloo1234]

I am with the PP's here. I was a child in the position your children are now in. My mother left eventually thank god but it was draining and horrible to be around. So many arguments, secret drinking, lashing out. Awful

Kick him out - he's got himself in this mess. Protect your children from this from here on in. No turning back

[TheABC]

Pack his bags and pay for him to stay in a hotel for a might or two, whilst he finds somewhere else. It's worth it to get hI'm out of your hair. I don't know legally where you stand with the rental agreement, but since the LL is your grandfather, there must be a way to change the locks when he is next out at work.

[Heathen4Hire]

I have no experience of your situation. But I want to send hugs

[WheresStellasGroove]

Ok so things are not good.
We are not really speaking to eachother and I have taken my wedding / engagement rings off.
He asked me to pay for a deposit etc on a flat and I said no.
I have bailed him out loads of times financially in the past and we lost our house due to his debts.

I am just not looking forward to another weekend with him here . I just want him gone.

[AcrossthePond55]

Sorry, I realize now that I misread. I thought you owned the house.

If he won't leave voluntarily, have your grandfather evict him.

[MrsBertBibby]

Just to correct some of the advice here, from the legal point of view, you can't just change the locks, the house is the matrimonial home and he is entitled to be there whilst the marriage subsists. A Court can terminate his matrimonial right of occupation but that's not an easy order to obtain.

If you have reached the end, OP (and I really think you should have done) then you need to get proper legal advise, and get divorce proceedings started.

[cookieswirls]

Oh I feel for you op I grew up with an alcoholic and it's so heartbreaking isn't it. It really does destroy families. I hope you have the strength to move on with your dc and lead happy lives that you deserve

[iamjustlurking]

Sorry Sqeegle just got back and caught up .. it was the lies the feeling that he "chose" alcohol so the rejection empty promises.

They still don't feel good enough or worth loving its' awful.

They feel guilty let down betrayed , they don't actually remember much of us being together just the after effects. I live with the awful guilt that I couldn't shield them from the emotional and financial destruction he caused. its awful just awful and I only hope he is at peace because they aren't

[AnyFucker]

Enough now

Forget the last 17 years. They are a sunk cost

Show your kids that no one has to live like this. It's never too late.

[TinPanAli]

If he would be awkward, Presumably your Grandfather could evict both of you, then on day of eviction, you dash down to solicitors and get a letter saying you are separated, whereby your grandfather immediately re-rents to you? All within a half day?

[PoldarksBreeches]

Who pays the rent? The fact that there isn't a formal tenancy agreement doesn't mean he doesn't have the right to live there sadly. If you pay rent and have sole occupancy then a de facto tenancy agreement exists and it covers him as it is the marital home.
HOWEVER him actually enforcing that wouldn't be easy at all. He would have to go to court, and the fact that you have separated and the fact that you rent from your relative means that a judge probably wouldn't enforce him returning to the house unless he could evidence that he would be homeless otherwise.

[Dowser]

Awww. Sending you a big hug.
Thankfully I've never had any of those problems but my dh has had experience of it.
It's very damaging and he still has awful flashbacks of it.

You need to save yourselves. He says the alcoholic becomes very selfish or at least that is how the behaviour comes across to the non alcoholic.
Obviously it's an illness.
But it's the repercussions on everyone else.