I actually don't know where to start!
This year has been an awful year, personally for me, in fact the last couple of years have been a combination a shit and different. I am struggling to deal with the emotions I am feeling at present.
In April I was signed off work (Temp agency job which has since ended) due to severe anxiety, depression, OCD. All of which I have suffered with all of my life, at least for as long as I can remember. I have memories from when I was about age 5, of acting out my OCD rituals, from extensive therapy I now understand that my extreme anxiety manifests as OCD.
Although the job I was working at when I was originally signed off work has now ended, I am currently signed off as not fit for work by my GP. I am in therapy. It is going well and I am working so very hard to get better to a degree that I can start to look for work and get back into the swing of things.
Oh god this is probably going to be long, I'm sorry.
I'm feeling a bit, actually a lot, guilty due to all of the above. I know I shouldn't but the truth of it is I do. I'm lost, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I have a fantastic, supportive and loving husband and two DD's (8yo and 7yo) who I love with all that I am.
I'm feeling so extremely jealous of my DH. He has a new job as an Emergency Care Assistant (ECA) and is working towards becoming a technician and onto a Paramedic. I am so proud of him. He only has one more week of a 9 week course to go before he is on shift. He has been working away for 8 weeks now and I hate it. I cannot wait until he is on shift as we will have him home each night (other than for night shifts). I know it's no big deal as other people have partners that are away much more and for longer. I have tried to see the positives in that I have coped and it seems to have helped push me forward in my recovery. I am jealous that he has such an exciting job, with a good working relationship with his colleagues. I feel guilty for feeling that way and I feel lost because apart from my children, my husband I am nothing.
I don't even know who I am, what I want or where I am going anymore.
I have no family apart from my DH and my DD's. I am NC with my Mother, Father and Brother for various reasons that I wont go into for fear whingeing and making this post even longer.
I'm lost, I don't know how to achieve what I want to do with my life. I feel like if I walked away nothing would change for DH and our DD's. What do I contribute.....nothing! What am I teaching my girls.......nothing! WTF does DH see in me........nothing!
I don't even know what I am asking, what I want from this thread or where to go with this.
I'm lost and don't know how to find myself again!