DS1 in a controlling relationship

[user1471586092]

Where to start, what to do.
Our 17yo lovely son has been taken over by his 19yo gf.
She has cut all his ties with former life and he now worships her every move. His friends were the first to go, then family and now he has left school after she told him she would split up with him if he remained.
When we pointed this out to him he said that it was ok because she said he could go back if he wanted (7 days later).
Previous to gf he was a lovely boy, he is now depressed, unhappy but refuses to face anything that may be wring and he may be in a narcissistic relationship.
What do we do? Massive pressure on home, family relationship life's.
Can anyone suggest a route?
Dp and I have been to GPs, have spoken with councilors, physiologist next step.
He openly says he will do anything for the girl. She splits up,with regularly, left school at 16 and comes from an 'Interesting' family.
HELP,

Make sure he knows you love him and will always be there for him. Try not to interfere. There are ways to do A'levels later etc.
I have known a couple of young men with nightmare girlfriends they both came "out" of it eventually but it took a lot of patience from their families. (Both are married to lovely women now.)

Baconandeggies .. We don't offer an unconditional taxi service for him! If we stopped any contact it will just give them strength and make him hate us more. They argue every day so we're hoping/thinking that this is not 'lifetime partner' stuff.
The home balance is the stuff of nightmares.

Legitia. .. We are roughly doing as you say, but she is very naughty, telling him to do one thing, then a week later the opposite (leave school them stay, hate his family then be nice to his family etc). He is certainly not in a place where he will apply himself to further education at the mo.

Why was she keen for him to leave school? I would be interested to know what she would say if you asked her.

op I've been in your ds position. You need to die the seed of doubt in his mind about he that he puts there himself - not from your words.

I'd buy him a book on abusive relationships and ask him to read it (pref when he has just argued with her and open to discussion) say if he reads it you won't mither him again about her.

If he can see similarities in the book that hasnt come from you it will stick more - she will be telling him you hate her so he will use that to not to listen to what you say - the book will give him a 'third party' view.

Once the seed of doubt and recognition is there it will be easier for him to leave.

Must be wretched for you all

He is a very good musician and she said he was wasting his time at school. She entered him in one of the tv talent shows, then split up with him on the day of the audition when she discovered she could not watch as he is only 17 and needed to be accompanied by an adult. Since leaving school he has done zero music, she breaks up with him on nearly a weekly basis but he always gets her back.

Stop taking him to see her for a start!!

Please don't take offence, as obviously I don't know all the details, but if she is breaking up with him regularly, messing him about by getting him to drop out of school, then changing her mind etc, it sounds as though she's the one trying to get out of the relationship, but he won't let her - he always gets her back, you say.

Maybe when she gave him the ultimatum of "leave school, or I'll leave you", she didn't really think he'd actually do it? Sounds like she could be trying to push him to the limit so that he breaks up with her, rather than her 'controlling' him. Could that be a possibility?

What a nightmare.
Just wanted to suggest keeping home a smiley, cheerful loving place- it might look more desirable to him. As the present problems might mean you are all anxious and tiptoeing round DS when he is there. And Dgf's home is prob not like that so his home would look a haven to him (once he is thinking more sensibly)

It sounds like a typical dysfunctional teenage relationship to me, actually. If your DS really wanted to be in school he would be, and would she really break up with him? Very unlikely. I would just wait it out.

Letitia
The chemistry between the two of them is defo a factor. Certainly friends they had in common do not like the partnership. Takes two and you are quite right to say that it may be more ds than her.. It just does not feel like it... He has given up considerable freedom at his school and chosen to be at home with all the pressure that may bring. He will not discuss his decision to leave school with us at all. Goes ballistic if we even refer to school.
Thanks for your thoughts.

Sounds like the problem may be with school, not the GF? Sorry, I just think it's a problem that sounds very focuses on the idea of going to school or not...

I think he's going ballistic about school because he knows leaving will have long term consequences.

I'd tell him while he's under 18 he needs to be in education or training. I'd go to the school myself, explain the situation and smooth the way for his return. He's probably scared he can't get back to where he was, and thinks people will be talking about it if he returns.

The school have excellent, offered to take him back up to start of next term. School friends have been less than impressed with ds dropping them for gf. Before gf he has been really happy at school, involved in lots etc.

Before GF was two years ago, though, OP. Lots happens in two years. I think it's a bit unreasonable to place all the blame at her door. Is he actually saying he would like to go back but she won't let him? How do you know all this?

I think I would refuse any favours, including lifts to his gf, until he was prepared to discuss school.

It takes the pressure off him of you asking for a discussion right here and now, but at the same time puts him in a position where he has to talk to you. It should lessen the risk of him flouncing out, which he is doing to control you, and make him think about what he has done if he does decide he will have to talk to you.

My neice had a similar relationship with a boy when she was 15, lasted till she was 17. He made her leave school and start a hairdressing course at college as he said she was too stupid for uni. Then said she was only a hairdresser so not very clever. She was a size 6/8 and miserable all the time as he called her fat and made her walk miles to his house to lose weight - he was too lazy to leave his home.
She has split with him, is 20 a size 10 at Uni, and is bisexual and looking for someone who values her next time she is in a LTR. I'm glad but it was sad and shocking to witness her being in an abusive relationship at such a young age.

I think you have to not facilitate the relationship at all. Neice was very critical that her parents didn't interfere, but then they didn't want to drive her away.

In retrospect, a persistent lack of interest in the relationship and an interest in taking responsibility for his own life might be the best approach. It stops him defending and feeling loyal to a bad relationship, and puts the onus on him to examine his own behaviour.

It's very difficult to realise that your child is now becoming an adult and responsible for their own decisions. I think you need to allow them to make mistakes.

I believe that the most important parenting of a teen occurs before they are ten.

I agree with others that now you have entered into a battle of control with the girlfriend you are likely to be the one who loses the most.

I think you need to take a giant step back, make it clear you love him and want the best for him but he needs to make his own mistakes. You know an awful lot about their relationship, too much! and I can imagine they are both frustrated by what they see as interference and it's just fuelling the fire.

Lay down your boundaries about what you are and are not prepared to do in terms of lifts/money etc and I really do think once you step back, you could see that you will feel less stressed.

I can imagine they are both frustrated by what they see as interference and it's just fuelling the fire.

The way I see this ... is if my teenage child drops out of education, then they must get a job or they leave the house. I'm not going to financially support my DC just hanging around

I know you might think this would push them together, but that will make him realise that the relationship has problems.

I don't know if she works, but they would have to have money to live. I bet they'd argue non stop and he'd soon be back home and have broken up with her.

I agree but at 17 it's not exactly easy to do that, is OP not obligated to ensure he stays in education till 18? It's statutory. So it's that or an apprentiship. So it's not clear cut on how much this could affect OP with the school or council. OP is doing the right thing with keeping contact with school open and hoping for the best, but blaming this all on GF isn't helpful. Son needs to find his own path I agree but I would have difficulty throwing out my child aged 17. He is technically still a child in her care. And they are taking the piss but I think a new approach (cutting him off financially for a start) could push him into taking action