Flirtatious r/ship with exbf

[Zarina]

My ex and i do a lot of flirting over msn (he has it at work) and we do meet up for coffee from time to time-only because he works very nearby to me. We are both happily married with children, and both know that we would NEVER EVER cheat and dont even want to-its not even an issue. We do reminisce and flirt a lot-well actually he does just for a laugh. My dh and his dw do not know of our undercover friendship! Oh i am friends with his wife so we do all see each other from time to time-she knows we used to go out but my dh has no idea because when i met him he said he doesnt want to know about my past! The question is, am i comitting some form of adultery?!! Should i feel guilty?

i think you feel you are, because a) you are querying it on here, and b) you keep it a secret from your h

In answer to the questions, no you're not committing adultery but you ARE playing with fire and this IS a form of cheating.. and for no real purpose than the pure momentary fun of it as far as I can see. Should you feel guilty? It's entirely up to you and how much you value your marriage/care about hurting you husband.. I would (I'd also go and get my head looked at if I suddenly got the urge to flirt with my ex.. .. bleeurrrghh, and after all, been there, done that!) You have to draw a line especially when you've moved on as you clearl state you both have.

If you are happy with your new partner and he is happy with his, don't screw with that.. happiness should be cherished. Or perhaps you're kidding yourself that you're happy and you never got over your ex? If that isn't the case, than just stop it, it's not worth it. Personally I'd stop it in either case.

imo good test is "would my dh be angry / upset if he knew about this??" assuming he is reasonable person that is generally a good guide i think as to whether you have overstepped the mark / are keeping things secret which shouldnt be...

Well I hate to admit but he probably was the love of my life BUT I know that whatever happened, was for the best so am not sad that we split up.

The thing is my dh wouldnt mind me chatting to him or even meeting up with him on the odd occasion, but exbf doesnt want me to tell my dh just incase his wife finds out-she would go mad (understandably). Our r/ship was very complex (not making excuses) but even after we split we remained good friends. I guess i shouldnt keep it a secret from my dh just cos hes scared of his wife? But you are right shiny..its not worth it!

why would it be understandable for her to "go mad"?

I know its wrong, but i know the intentions are not bad from either side, the few times i have met up was while i was heavily pregnant and then with my ds (only 8 months old). Tbh i enjoy the attention-awful to say it but i do and i guess thats why i still talk to him...ive told my dh that he never gives me any compliments or makes me feel special but he just says he shouldnt have to say thing..i should know!! so i guess theres an underlying issue here...

Because i wouldnt like my dh meeting up with his ex...oh god i sound terrible now ..also she used to have issues about it in the past and so when exbf and her got engaged she made him cut off all ties with his female friends. Only recently she got in touch with me and we are friends now-i knew her before they met-infact they met through me!! as i said its a bit complex!

i think you should tell your dh and he should tell his dw that you are meeting for coffee. you don't have to make a big deal out of it. just say oh you know so and so who i used to go out with, he's asked me to meet up with him for a coffee you know to catch up and stuff.

also i don't get this its understandable for her to go mad. me and my ex are still best friends even after we split. again it was very complex. i was talking to his gf about him the other day (we are friends) and she was getting really worked up over finding photos of him and his ex(L) on the computer (not dodgy ones or anything). also he used to have a thing with my best friend (his ex best friend who he is still very good friends with but not really best friends anymore ... hmmm he has a habit of going out with best friends ...) anyway he had told his gf that they had slept together but he hadn't told her about just how close they were which i didn't realise. i just assumed she knew and put my foot in it. she didn't seem very happy that he hadn't told her, even though she is fine about me and him having a past. all i can assume it was the fact that she hadn't been told that she didn't like as opposed to the actual situation. saying that i wasn't allowed to stop over at his (in his sisters room) after a night out cos she wasn't there and wouldn't like it although i can see this is a bit different to meeting up in the daytime. so i think she accepts it cos she has to but doesn't necessarily feel comfortable with it. when i was with him he would go and see his ex which i thought was nice that they were still friends and don't see why other people get stressy over it. i don't really get why she is ok with him seeing me and my friend but not his ex (L) though. she was saying to me god i bet you think im a right bunny boiler and i was thinking yes i bloody well do but of course had to say no no of course not.

sorry that was a bit long!

Well i think its a bit different for me because im not english and in our culture your not even supposed to have exs so if you do its a big deal, and still being friends with them is an even bigger deal! Saying that i see him and his wife in groups but we always make sure we are not in the same room on our own or anything-basically she was very young and insecure when he first met her so i put it down to that. But yeh she would probably divorce him if she knew!
Im a bit of a hypocrite as i wouldnt want my dh to be friends with an ex, but im friends with both of my exs! I guess cos i know its not dodgy but i dont know about other females!