Advice needed on access to my children following ex wife's behaviour.

[CAES]

I am a guy wanting some advice on child access after a difficult divorce. I know I need to see my solicitor, but I am hoping he isn’t going to tell me my only option is a child contact centre. If it is then I don’t need to pay £175 plus VAT to be told this, so any advice welcome, thank you.

I divorced my wife 4 years ago now. I admit I did leave her for another woman who is and always was the love of my life. My ex wife was obviously very bitter and angry, but I have been more than fair with regards to child access and financial provision. After about 3 months she allowed me to see our two young children and I had them every other weekend and a night in the week. This was all fine and we were beginning to be amicable until me and my girlfriend move in together 9 months later. She then stopped access again and I took her to court to get a formal agreement. It was granted and we went back to the same routine. Since then she has made my life hell on every pick up and drop off, I have just put up with it and tried to make it as smooth as possible and not engaged with her shouting and name calling etc. I will not argue with her, especially not in front of the children.
In the summer, my girlfriend and I married and that’s when all the trouble started. The first contact I had after we married my ex wife seemed ok. The next fortnight when I turned up to drop the children back to her she came out of the house and charged at the car, she opened the car door and starting getting our youngest out of his seat belt. This is unusual as I usually just take them to the door and knock etc. She had clearly been waiting for us. She started yelling at me and my wife, who was in the passenger seat, our youngest became scared and started crying. Ex wife got frustrated as she couldn’t undo the seat belt and started getting angry and shouting at my wife’s son who was sat next to our son in the back. I just wanted to get out of there as quick as possible so I said ‘here let me do it’ and tried to help her undo the car seat buckle for her. By now all three kids were scared and crying. It all happened so fast but she yelled at me to f off or something and then elbowed me in the head. She got our youngest out of the car seat and barged past me, I was still being over a bit dis-orientated as she had caught the corner of my eye. She then slammed the back car door into my head, twice I think. I don’t really remember much next but my wife got our other child out of the car and came running round to me, ex wife then threw a toy our youngest was holding at my wife and split her lip open. She then went back in and that was that.

I am still in shock about it if I’m honest and feel awful for my kids. Anyway, my wife and I called the police as we were worried for the children. They actually arrested her and dragged her away and locked her up overnight apparently. Fast forward and she was charged with two counts of assault.

I have not been able to see my children since as she was issued with a non-molestation order against me which means she cannot come near within so far of me and my house. I have emailed her several times and told her that I want to put the past behind us and I still want to see my children. I have asked her if her mother or sister would facilitate the pickup and drop off at their houses, but even when a solicitor wrote to her she will not agree to this.

Is my only chance to see my children now through a visitation centre? I am gutted. This would mean only seeing them 3 hours a week!

Contact centres aren't just for supervised contact. Lots will facilitate a handover - lots of parents don't want contact with each other so regardless of the order you're not alone there, something can be done.

Do you not have a friend or relative who could get the children for you?

I do agree that you're a bit 'roadblocky' with not wanting to spend money on a solicitor and saying there is no one to help you. I'd be willing to bet if you think really hard there is someone, even if you have to hire someone to walk from your car around the corner to her door and back with the children.

I think you're going to end up going the solicitor route as I assume she plans to stick to the letter of the non-mol, as technically she should. To do otherwise opens her to arrest and jail time. I believe you when you say you'd never 'entrap' her that way, but she doesn't have to believe you. And if there's nothing written that she must release the children to a third party, then she probably wouldn't agree to release them to the Angel Gabriel himself voluntarily.

BFF and her ex did drop off/pick up in the lobby of the police station. This was written into her restraining order against him in order that he could still see their son. He was required to show up 15 minutes early and leave 15 minutes after she did in order to prevent him from accosting her in the parking lot. Not ideal, but their son at that time was too young to know where he was.

X post. See you're planning on going back to court. I'm glad.

I'm not in the UK so I don't know, is there any way the non-mol could just be reworded to allow for handoffs/pickups without formal court hearings? It probably wouldn't change her actions, but it would show that she is being obstructive if she refused access when the non-mol permitted it.

Can you pick up and drop off to and from school?

Things I have tried: paying somebody to do the handover. Children walking to the car. Handover at Police Station.

This situation is ridiculous. You shouldn't be penalised because she assaulted you. Before you go to court I would email your ex with 2 or 3 options. (Eg pick up/ drop off from school, pick up drop off from childminder, her family facilitate).
If she refuses, then take this to court. Take your request and her response as part of your evidence.
A judge is not going to be impressed with her behaviour over this. She needs to facilitate the contact since it's her abusive behaviour that has caused the problem. I would also ask the court to consid

Oops, consider a request from you that she repays the maintenance. She has some nerve asking for an increase. Good luck.

Just a thought on a pp , can you not speak to work about being a bit flexible with hours so you can collect / drop at school a couple of days and maybe make your hours up or your wife helping out with the school run . I do this with my DD and rarely drop or collect from her mums except at half term ...

File for enforcement of the order. You can represent yourself, it's not that difficult if you do your homework.

I think you need to speak to your solicitor.

Going to court is always better with a solicitor but if money is an issue this may be an occasion whereby you could represent yourself and have reasonable hope of a "good" outcome. Others might know, are courts better at dealing with people representing themselves these days since the legal aid cuts?

But there is a legal issue - which I can't see answered here - non mols and contact issues must happen together in a lot of cases. Your solicitor will be able to give a legal perspective on solutions re this that no one on the thread has.

In any event, I would keep the maintenance issue out of the family proceedings. It will not help your case to appear to be confusing the contact/providing for your children issues (although I get your point).

Work out what you think would work. The court won't magic up a solution so if it's a childminder, contact centre or family handover etc, come up with a good clear proposal. Emailing your wife with it first is a good idea.

Keep the reason for your application as concise as possible. Presumably what happened would count as domestic violence as asked in the tick box questions up front which require you to provide more detail separately? Again a sol would advise.

If you are happy to pay for a solicitor but weren't sure whether there is any point then I think there is - you have more options than a couple of hours in a contact centre.

I don't want to suggest there was any justification for the attack but there may be ways to propose contact and to keep things less emotional, eg, your ex might be more responsive if you could confirm your new partner and her child would not to be there at pick up etc, or even during your contact. Establishing contact with your DC is the priority.

I'd move quickly as this is a long time for your DC to have no contact. I'd be trying to get an hour in a contact center or whatever is possible while going to court.

My brother got disheartened and has ended up with no contact with one of his children. The child does not want to see him. I can see how awful it is but I have never understood why he did not go to court immediately, by himself if he has to, or do everything he could.

Can't the love of your life your wife do the handover?

But wasn't the OP's wife assaulted too? Does the non-molestation order also extend to her?

*This situation is ridiculous. You shouldn't be penalised because she assaulted you. Before you go to court I would email your ex with 2 or 3 options. (Eg pick up/ drop off from school, pick up drop off from childminder, her family facilitate).
If she refuses, then take this to court. Take your request and her response as part of your evidence.
A judge is not going to be impressed with her behaviour over this. She needs to facilitate the contact since it's her abusive behaviour that has caused the problem. *

I second that. It's ridiculous that you and your wife were assaulted in front of the kids and that since then she's been the one with sole contact. I believe it is actually child abuse to make them witness violence. She sounds like she has been regularly acting abusively towards your kids - by abusing you at handovers.

Your most important priority are your children, so it's no way to live to resign to losing a proper relationship with them, especially when their other parent acts in abusive ways such as she has.