He doesn't love me yet - feel anxious

[anotherdayanothernamechange2]

I'm not sure if this is my currently poor mental health speaking or a real issue. I've been seeing someone for about 6 months and he is great. He was a friend before he was a partner and he is kind, caring, fun, generous and supportive. We have a great time together.

I fell for him very quickly (indeed, before we got together).

He has previously said (again, before we were together) that he isn't sure he is capable of love. Or not sure what it is. And now the lack of him saying it is starting to worry me. I don't think I can live in a relationship without it, but I am not sure how long to give it. We had a brief discussion a few weeks ago in which he said "I can say I care about you very much"....which just seemed to have this glaring but at the end of it. I told him then that love was important to me.

He treats me much better than my previous relationships. He says lots of lovely things. He tells me he has previously felt trapped in relationships and forced to say "I love you" when he didn't necessarily feel it.

Are loving actions enough? I FEEL loved but he hasn't said it. And is it all too soon to be worrying at 6 months in?

The anxiety is making me feel sick and panicky - the backdrop is that I am currently going through a bit of a depression and recovering from the death of someone very close.

I don't want to risk losing him if it is just time

The time will pass whether you are with him, or not. Whether you're being a patient stand-in GF, or actively pursuing your own happiness elsewhere.

I don't feel like a stand in though. Not one bit.

I think the issue is more with my anxiety than him TBH

Anyone would be anxious in this situation. I was diagnosed with clinical depression! IT IS A NIGHTMARE SITUATION.

You're infatuated with him, it's not love. Good news is, infatuation disappears RAPIDLY after you stop seeing someone.

I also think he's a bit of a twat to keep shagging you even when he knows he doesn't return your feelings.

Ultimately though OP you need to think about what it is that you want. Because right now you are happy with things the way they are, with just being someone he likes who you get on well with. But if you love him then that love is only going to develop more, so what do you want from this? Will you still be happy to just be his friend with benefits who he really likes in another month? Two? Six months time?

I don't think it's you're anxiety other than that you're afraid of losing him but equally you know that this has no future.

Wannabe I'd agree with your first 2 paragraphs if 'love' was more definable. Different people set the bar at different heights and just because someone says that they haven't crossed the border from 'like' to 'love' yet doesn't mean that someone else experiencing the same feelings wouldn't call that love.

If I understand correctly it wasn't after 6 months that he said he wasn't sure if he was capable of loving her (I agree that would be incredibly hurtful), that was before they even got together.

Secretspillernamechange

Yes - he told me this while he was just a friend (and in a not great relationship)

He often tells me how happy I make him. We have all the component parts - I just think it might be that our definitions vary.

In fact, OP you've not said anything to make me think that he's wasting your time/feeding you crumbs and not just too scared to make the jump of saying the words.

If you think he's a good person then why would you think he's stringing you along rather than in a developing relationship that he sees a future in?

You say you were friends first, do you have any mutual friends you could have a chat to - getting insight from someone who knows him might be helpful for your anxiety.

My ExH used to say it all the time, but looking back his actions told a different story...he lied to me, let me down constantly...the list goes on and on. I too used to think 'but he says he loves me so it must be true'. I ended up having a breakdown and leaving him. Best thing I ever did. So would I rather have the words or the actions? Actions definitely.

And as another point, after we split up I dated someone for 7 months, neither of us said we loved each other in that time, I certainly wasn't in love with him, but we enjoyed each other's company and that was enough at the time. Sadly he finished it but life went on for me.

There is a difference between being in love and loving someone. Many people find it hard to differentiate between the two,

I don't see how you can think uou may be "wasting your time" , unless uou think a relationship is nothing more than a stepping stone to marriage and children, that the relationship itself is an irrelevance.

If uou enjoy being with him then you need to decide if that's enough, that the journey is important. If it's not and it's all about marriage and babies then end it and move on, for both your sakes.

It took my DH a while to say it, more than 6 months anyway, perhaps 8 or 9. There were a lot of 'you're lovely's' and other nice things said and we were relatively young and I wasn't so worried about it. I didn't say it too him either, I was very stubborn back then and I wasn't going to be first. I felt like he loved me going by his actions and the nice things he did say. He got there in the end even if it was in a foreign language (we were away and he said it in the language of the country we were in). Together 12 years now. I'd judge by his actions and how he treats you moreso than the words, although it's certainly reasonable to expect him to come out with them soon and I would be concerned about the not being sure of he is capable of it. That's a bit more concerning than just being reticent.

Two things OP, 6 months isn't a long time. I wouldn't expect an 'I love you' after 6 months.

The issue really is how he sees love and how he thinks he's not capable of love. This is a separate thing.

6 months is early to declare love even if a person is feeling it they should give it more time to be sure.

The I like yous and saying you make him happy as well as his other behaviors are good signs and he is possibly building up to I love you, for his history I imagine it's only natural that he holds back and is seeking counselling for it is also a good sign.

If you feel loved op then go with the flow or call it quits if you can't wait.

With my last dp I loved him around six month mark and felt sure he felt the same I didnt work up the courage to say it until 8 is h months. I have emotional baggage too but really when the I love you''s come out there is no fireworks and pipe bands, just contentment. ..feeling it and the actions are much more important.

I agree with the posts about infatuation being confused with love also.

Op, he makes you happy and you make him happy. He told you that before he was in a relationship with you. Also, if he told you that then if he tells you he loves you, it becomes really significant, so might be waiting until he's absolutely sure.

You're young, it's still early on in your relationship and he treats you like he loves you so I'd just continue and see where it takes you. If you love him then tell him. Be yourself and express yourself how you want to.

Bluntness100 I'm not looking for marriage, ever (been there). I guess it's just that I want our feelings to match.

Possibly what I am feeling is infatuation. How would I know?

I might just be going round in circles about something that isn't actually a problem.

I wouldn't settle for this if I were you.

Hey, my current DP didn't say it for just over a year. He was and still is the most loving man I've ever know and I honestly have never been in such a happy relationship - we seem to have one of those partnerships where we are constantly doing little things to make the other person happy.

I got drunk and told him after 3 months. He said it was too soon for him and for months afterwards, I felt loved, I felt happy but he never said it. He even said 'like' a few times which started to make me want to dig him in the ribs!

Eventually, during a conversation he instigated about feeling really broody, I managed to say very clumsily that although I was very happy to talk about things like that I didn't want to talk about them with someone who didn't love me yet. And he said don't be ridiculous, of course I do, how on earth could you think I didn't?

And after talking, it was clear, past experiences made the L word, very scary and quite confusing.

I think if you feel it, he does, even if he doesn't quite call it that himself yet. Everyone has a different definition. Be a bit more patient, 6 months seems like a long time to some people but early days to others.

If after 6 months you are in a relationship where you are both acting lovingly towards each other, I think you are halfway there.