Selfish partner

[user1478811493]

Hello all,

So this is my first post on here. I needed some advice from people who can relate.
I'll explain...
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. It has been a bloomin emotional and rocky relationship. He wanted to go traveling which I have done nothing but support him. So when we first started seeing each other, it was on the basis that it was going to end when he went left the country.
Things moved along, and we got a bit more serious and decided that we would stay together whilst he traveled - and he has even reduced his trip from a year to 4 months. We have plans to move in with each other when he is back so everything is positive. Sounds nice right?
Well, he has been away for 3 months now, and I have had a lot of time to reflect on everything. I'll go into my concerns.

1. Everything always has to be about him. If I have an issue, I can't raise it as he will snap at me and turn it around.
2. He seems to think I have a problem with everything he does - when I dont. Even when he smokes weed with his best friend, or if he meets up with a female mate. I dont have an issue because I trust him. An example - the other week, he met with an old friend whilst on his travels. I had no issue, but when he met her, he sent me a horrid message saying that I have a problem with it bla bla. I was up until 4:30am trying to reason with him and assure him that I didnt have a problem. (I had to be up at 6am!) Why on earth would he do this?
3. He is very bad with money. The whole time I have been with him, he has had no money due to saving for his trip. He is now 3 months into it and has run out of money, so his mum is bailing him out. But also, this has meant that valentines day, my birthday etc - I didnt even get a card. Not saying that I need gifts, but small thoughts count right? Considering I got him some pretty cool birthday presents.
4. I guess this is a huge concern of mine - and I don't know if Im being selfish for finding this a concern. In the bedroom - he is the most selfish lover I have been with. He never touches me, at all. It's very frustrating... and when I try to hint around it - he is like ''I'll do more to satisfy you'' but he never even tries. He wanks a lot. I know that for sure, because he has such a long refractory period. If he has wanked, we can't have sex. Then again, when we do have sex, he can't last. When we first started talking, he was so sexual over text. But since he has been away - nothing. And he can't go without wanking, so he hasn't even bothered to include me in a conversation about it. How would any of you deal with this? Any advice is needed!!

But the good points - we get on. We share hobbies and he is affectionate in cuddles and that. But he isnt a guy who offers ''verbal affirmation'' He doesnt really compliment me, which I guess has affected my confidence as well. It took him 10 months to say I love you. He can be sweet in that way and I enjoy being around him. But these concerns are big, and I guess with all of the thinking time since he has been away - Im starting to get cold feet. I worry if I will lose my feelings for him.

Has anyone else been in a situation like this? If so, how did you deal with it or move it forward?

xxxx

*multiple!

I read up to no 2 and then actually said out loud to my computer - 'oh he can fuck the fuck off!' The dog is looking at me strangely.

He's a wanker in every sense. Dust off your self-respect and dump him.

Aside from this being a non-starter in every respect, even a full year is WAY too soon to be considering cohabitation. Fortunately, you seem to have woken up to the reality of this potential cock-lodger and all-round idiot. Disengage however you choose but I wouldn't waste too much precious breath explaining or justifying ... just end it and move on swiftly

OMFG... seriously????
Why oh why oh why do women put up with this shite!
I hope you've dumped him good and proper.
He's a dick-head of the highest order.
I can't believe what I've just read.

He is an arsehole, get rid.

Fuck that. You can do way better.

A relationship with lots of drama in it is itself a red flag.

This is well and truly over now; if this is how bad it is a year in then another year will be even worse.

You were really targeted by this individual who could and has indeed exploited you to his own ends.

Honestly get rid of this waste of space now before you become even more over invested and hurt. Relationships should not be such hard work honestly and no woman needs a project or a man to rescue and or save.

Don't wait till he gets back, dump him now and block him.

He didn't brainwash you but for whatever reason (which I hope you're now going to investigate), you chose to prioritise the relationship over yourself and the way you did this was by surrendering a lot of your power to this man.

This man had no magic powers over you.

If you were treating him like this, he'd have walked out the door after a day.

And yet here you still are.

Why?

Come on OP!

This is DREADFUL! He's not even nice to you. The weed, the winding you up over other women, the finances, the wanking, and to top it all off, he's shit in bed.

Please finish it immediately, and then spend some time (maybe with a counsellor) figuring out why you think so little of yourself

Okay, It's ended. That was another mission itself.
It has become so apparent that he was manipulating me the whole time. I even questioned my insanity, my perspective on everything. And my self esteem.
He tried to turn everything onto me. That's what he does best. I can see why none of his relationships have worked previously. His longest relationship being less than a year.
My self esteem is low because of him. Because of how he made me feel. He made me feel guilty for wanting verbal affirmation. Theres nothing wrong with a few sayings ''You look lovely today''

It is going to take me a while to rebuild myself. I will get there. Him going away has done me a favour as I was so blind before. I honestly thought that I was the crazy one, and now I've had time to reflect and I can see the problem. I know I'm not a bad person. I really hope that if anyone else get's in a situation like this, that they see the light before they disappear completely.

I thank you all for your responses. You've helped me realise that I'm not a bad person for feeling that these points were worthy of ending the relationship.

I'm going to be me now. I hope you all have a good weekend. xxx

I'm very pleased for you and proud.
It must have been hard but you did the right thing. Block! Do not let him back in even as a 'friend'!!!!

You really will do just fine

Relationships like this completely erode your self-esteem, so don't beat yourself up over that. He's made you feel that the crumbs you were asking for were too much and you're too needy, and you don't deserve them, and you start to internalise that message until you don't know what is normal anymore.

You'll be so much better without this tosser dragging you down.

You were right to cut your losses. Nothing about this relationship was ever going to make you happy.

You live and learn

Well done

And you can end a relationship for any reason, or no reason.

You're never a bad person for wanting to do so.

I'm glad you finally saw him for what he was.
It's so hard when you are in the thick of it.
Someone fucking with your head.
Contact women's aid and ask about their Freedom Programme.
It will really help your self esteem and give you info to ensure you don't get into any more unhealthy relationships.
Good luck and well done taking control to end things.
Block delete ignore.
He will try to reel you back in.

I'm hugely relieved that you've ended this relationship! As others have said, don't let him whine his way back in to your life, because, as you have just remembered - it's YOUR life. You get to say what happens in it and who features in your cast of lovers, friends, colleagues and passing acquaintances - and yes, even foes! Love and joy be yours!

There are too many negatives to make it work. Worse of all is a selfish lover who makes it all about him.

He wants you to be jealous of his female friends and is peeved when you're okay with it, so he turns it on you.

The financial problems will make you regret living together.

Don't waste your time with him.