Is it possible to turn an unhealthy relationship in to a healthy one?

[Ibetyouwish]

And if it is, then how???

There is far too much back story to go in to. But the short version is that we'be been married for 12 years and in that time, DH has been involved with another woman (only got as far as text sex when I discovered his secret phone), has compulsively lied and is permanently grumpy since we had children. I get it, it's hard being a parent and you can't do whatever you want when you want. Sometimes the children are disobedient and that is trying. But, if we are not behind closed doors, he is lovely and has all the skills for dealing with it. Behind closed doors, everything is my fault and I'm a selfish, high maintenance bitch. The amount of shouting at the children is simply not acceptable. They must always obey him. If they don't, I have it all taken out on me because it's my fault. I even plead with the children to do as he demands so that I don't get in to trouble with him. Then he flips and is nice. "I love you" he says and I just think he doesn't even know what the word means. His temper is destroying our family.

But then he twists everything back on me - apparently I always lose my temper with the children. I have double standards. I'm just as bad as him. And it's because of how I parent that they behave badly for him because I undermine him.

The other morning, he told me that I was selfish because I asked him to give me a minute until I could go and check if a jumper fitted our 3 year old who he was trying to help get dressed because I had just finishing putting our 7 year old's hair up when the baby poo'd so I had just started changing a dirty nappy. Apparently, I should have left the baby mid-nappy change, gone to another room, checked the jumper and then carried on with what I was doing! When I said that I was just changing a dirty nappy, he said "it's all about you, isn't it?" I was like WTF and he just told me how selfish I was.

He's obviously not happy but I'm totally lost as to what to do to make things better.

It doesn't sound like he would even want to have 5 children to look after on his own though. I don't know what anyone on here can really advise you to do other than try and find the courage and support to leave him as this is clearly toxic to both you and your children. I just feel so sorry for them reading your posts.

Contact women's aid, speak to citizens advice. You must get out. That's it really isn't it?

It's a shit situation but what's the alternative? Stay and have your children grow up in this environment, in therapy for life and probably hating you. I really feel for you but please, please, get out now!

Please just wake up to the fact that your husband is abusive. It is emotional blackmail to make your children believe they are responsible for your husband punishing you. It's your husband who is the problem, and I appreciate it will be hard to leave him, but what are you hoping to gain by posting here? You have my sympathy. But you need to think about what you are prepared to put up with and what you aren't.

Just wanted to say OP that I am in similar marriage and the amounts of times I've pleaded with eldest DD to do as DH says as I can't face his tantrums again is more than your twice!

My DH hasn't had sex texts but is equally as bad, insisting everything is my fault, the way I say things, what I say, not supporting him enough on his discipline of DC.......no advice, except, no matter what you try to make things better it never works as nothing is good enough. The goal posts keep getting moved so you'll never fix it x

I don't see you as weak chocoholic. But I'm not going to condone the OP bringing her children into it. I understand why she's doing it, but that doesn't make it right.

He's not a nice guy, OP, he's a controlling, manipulative abuser. That's what they do.

Ok, so you have three issues to separate.
First, your health. Second, the finances of leaving him and third, your worry about subjecting your children to the full force of his anger when they go to visit.

That's really complicated, I can see why you feel trapped by all that. I don't know enough about this stuff to give good advice at this point. If you have young kids, is there a health visitor that you trust that you can talk to? Could you ring women's aid?

Ibetyouwish,

Things will not get any better for you and your children (who are seeing all this at home all too clearly as well) as long as you and he remain together. He has and is placing you in an impossible position here; a position that is untenable in the long term. You're all tiptoeing around the abuser.

Re your comment:-

"And the fear that he would get time to have the children by himself as part of a contact order stops me from leaving"

I was wondering whether your H would want to spend any time with his children at all post separation; he cannot deal with them now with you there. He is not interested in these children at all let alone in the long run, he could simply use them as a weapon against you.

Abusive men can and do appear very plausible to those in the outside world. You know the full reality of what it is like to live with him and he is an abusive man. Its not a relationship you can remain in and that's even without you discovering his cheating).

You are these childrens' main carer; why would you be the one to leave anyway?. He should be the one to leave and I would urge you also to seek legal advice when you are fit and well enough to do so. You are not as powerless as you think you are.

Will your surgery be taking place soon?.

Talking to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 about your situation could help you no end; no obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable.

you've clearly all decided that I'm the evil bitch
No that's not it at all.
And your subsequent posts mean that it's not so easy to just leave.
Do you have any outside support at all?
Any family you can turn to?

Please do contact Womens Aid as soon as you possibly can.
0808 2000 247
This man is highly abusive to you and to your DC and you and your DC need a plan to get away from him.
This is so so damaging for them.
Being in it, you can't see it but you did post, so the scales are starting to fall.
Womens Aid can help you so give them a call.
The number won't appear on your phone bill.

It's not about whether your children do what they're told, OP. Put the blame where it should be, on your husband.

So I made a couple of phone calls and am starting to make a plan. Don't want to write the details just in case he reads any thing...

That sounds great OP! Well done x and yes, please be very careful

Ignore shit like "you are just as culpable" you absolutely are not.

You're being abused. And by the sounds of it you're completely feeling trapped.

When you posted did you think there would be a way back from it? Do you think here is??

I just wanted to offer a voice of support. You need kindness right now. And some encouragement. He sounds like an awful bully. Really horrible.

He won't want lots of contact if he works a lot of hours and can't cope with putting a jumper on a child. He'll want to pay as little as possible maintanance but if he struggles to do basic childcare then he'll also want to balance that with as little contact as possible. That's my feeling on it. Unless he's a control freak then he'll fight for contact just to piss you off. That isn't what he sounds like from what you've said.

Hope you find a way through it. As you probably realise regarding your OP, you can only fix an unhealthy relationship if both parties realise they need to change and both do so. If he isn't saying he thinks he has a problem and needs to sort it, he isn't going to.

Could be that he isn't really suited to family life and that he can't actually change that. Not excusing his behaviour, just explaining that some people just aren't suited to looking after children end of.

Well done OP.
The first step is always the hardest and you've done that.
Keep going.
Get all the outside help and support you can.
I hope you and your DC can be happy and abuse free very soon.

Well done, op. Keep taking those steps.

Havalina. .. I was raised in an abusive household. My mother did not protect me from it. She could have removed me from the situation but she chose to appease and attempt to manage my father instead. I consider her equally culpable. And if op keeps on doing what she is doing then her children will think that of her too.

Oh brilliant!

I'm afraid when kids are in play I too hold the same belief as AF, put them first or yes you are enabling it and exposing them to crap.