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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My friend won't speak to me

21 replies

user1478644640 · 08/11/2016 22:43

Hello,

A bit of background. 9 months ago a guy asked me out, and we went out a few times, but I didn't feel ready so I asked to be just friends. We kept meeting up and a few months later things started to develop, mosttly snogging and cuddling up on the sofa etc.

But I decided I wasnt feelling it and said we should be friends again, because I wasn't ready for romance yet. Fast forward to now, and I have met someone and he really turns me on, and we have got together. I didn't tell my friend for some time, but I finally bit the bullet and did so last night - I felt awful. He was clearly devastated and had been hoping we would get back together. He said he can't be friends with me anymore, because his feelings would prevent him ever meeting someone else and won't respond to any of my texts.

He really means a lot to me though, and I have been crying most evenings. I can't imagine not having him as a friend. What can I do?

Kate

OP posts:

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 08/11/2016 22:47

All you can do is respect his wishes.

He has been quite clear with you, just stop texting and allow him to move on.

Good luck with the new man

pictish · 08/11/2016 22:49

You understand that he has feelings for you that you don't reciprocate and it's painful for him, so you let him go.
Sorry. x

Damelo · 08/11/2016 22:49

Just accept it. I understand it from his POV

I had a relationship with a man who I had feelings for, I wanted more than friendship, he did not but he knew how i felt and yet he ignored all the boundaries between a relationship and a friendship. he used me for a relationship (not for sex imo ) and it was VERY difficult. I am better off for having cut him out completely tbh

Myusernameismyusername · 08/11/2016 22:50

I agree just respect his wishes.

lougle · 08/11/2016 22:50

I can understand his hurt. You've been saying you weren't ready for romance when actually you just didn't want romance with him. He's been patiently waiting for you to be ready. Now you've told him that you feel ready....with someone else.

If he can't see you as anything other than a romantic partner then he is doing the right thing by telling you that a friendship isn't workable.

Trying2bgd · 08/11/2016 22:50

I'm sorry this has happened but unfortunately you have to let him go. He needs to move on and staying 'friends' with you would mean he can't get on with his own life. He's hurt and needs time. He may be able to be friends again with you but it won't be soon and for his sake let him be, don't text and don't call.

HeddaGarbled · 08/11/2016 22:53

Don't be so selfish. You know he wants a relationship with you. How horrible for him to have to watch while you have a relationship with someone else. You weren't being fair to him before, stringing him along with the snogging and cuddling. You were being cruel, really. Grow up, stop crying and put yourself in his shoes. Then let him go and try and be kinder and less insensitive in future.

anxiousnow · 09/11/2016 00:05

I agree with PP'so but give him some time. It's raw and he'said hurt but it doesn't mean that you have lost him as a friend forever. I'd leave it a month and then maybe just send him another text apologising for hurting him but that you do genuinely care for him as a friend and hope in time you can be friends again. Then leave it in his court.

FishyWishies · 09/11/2016 00:44

You're being unfair OP, you just didn't fancy him, and you've strung him along even if it was unintentionally. Don't rub his nose in it.

user1475501383 · 09/11/2016 01:35

I can't imagine not having him as a friend. What can I do?

I was in a not too dissimilar situation, actually. Except no cuddles etc. But I knew he was interested.

He was one of my best friends. Long story but eventually we got together. He is my DP and I wouldn't want to be with anyone else after I finally realised how great we are together.

I once told our story to someone at the pub and he said "all these girls looking for their prince charming, asking where they are, and I think to myself, look at your fucking friend zone!"

Just saying if he means that much to you there might be potential there tht you won't get with someone who just turns you on for a little while. I acknowledge I could be projecting and mistaken, too.

AmeliaJack · 09/11/2016 01:37

You have to accept it.

Anything else would be selfish.

Isetan · 09/11/2016 04:02

You're still making this about you and he's just woken up to this fact. If you really do value him (and your actions suggest the opposite), then respect his wishes and leave the man alone.

You didn't want a relationship with him but you sure as hell expected a relationship from him.

DixieWishbone · 09/11/2016 04:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoldarksBreeches · 09/11/2016 04:42

You get the hell over it! You don't have your fallback guy any more. You were never really friends, he wanted a relationship and you didn't. That's not a basis for friendship.

forumdonkey · 09/11/2016 07:14

My heart goes out to him. You told him you wasn't ready for a relationship and then get in a relationship, instead of being honest with him and telling him you didn't want a relationship with him. IMO that is the cruelest thing you could have done. You've kept contact, cuddles etc, all the time he's thinking that there was a chance, when you were in a better place.

LetsAllEatCakes · 09/11/2016 11:40

You have to respect his wishes. He has to do what's best for him not what's best for you.

Give him space and time.

skilledintheartofnothing · 09/11/2016 12:29

Yep, You need to respect his wishes and leave him alone so he can start to find someone who does want a relationship with him.

IreallyKNOWiamright · 09/11/2016 16:04

Yes he will be hurt and you need to accept that he might not want to carry on with the friendship.

TheNaze73 · 09/11/2016 16:15

You're going to have to put in down to one of those things.
If he had anything about him, he'd leave you be, so you can get on with things. Good luck

draculasteabag · 09/11/2016 16:26

He is right. You strung him a long. Let him go.

Cary2012 · 09/11/2016 16:36

Losing your friend is the price you pay for your new romance.
You need to put yourself in his shoes and try to understand how painful it is for him to watch another guy have the relationship he wants with you.

Unfortunately, from your point of view you have to respect what your friend wants - a t least for now, he might move on and feel differently about you and you could pick up your friendship further down the line.

Flip